Thursday, February 14, 2013

Laser Road? Not so much!

     At today's meeting of the IVC Academic Senate, members of the Rep Council, of which I am one, were informed that, at a recent meeting of the College Deacons (or whatever it's called), a vote was taken concerning the name of the soon-to-be-constructed south (Barranca) entrance of the college.
     And thus it was, we were informed, that the college settled on "Laser" Road.
     "But wait a minute," I said. A few years ago, unhappiness with the IVC mascot—the goddam Laser—led to the formation of a committee charged with finding a replacement nickname/mascot. Besides, I said, the college used to own a laser, about which it used to make a big freakin' deal, but we sold the dang thing years ago. So our college is vehemently post-Laser.
     That "new mascot" committee seemed to fade away, but the problem—our laser mascotry—remains. Naming the new entrance "Laser Road" will, I said, cement the college's misbegotten laserhood.
     Kathy S, the Academic Senate Prez, agreed that this road naming move, if it stands, will yield laser permanence. Kathy then said she made precisely my point (about our efforts to de-laser) at the Deacons meeting. But, she reported, IVC's Director of Marketing—aka Glenn Roquemore's flack, Diane O—declared that the mascot change committee is dissolved and there's no chance we're gonna change our mascot.
     I said something like, "Um, who is Diane O to make that decision?" Pretty soon, several other members of the Rep Council piled on. David, our Recorder, normally a mute presence, made some dry remarks about the difficulty finding a suitable mascot for "a beam of coherent light." Just what would that be? he asked.
     Meanwhile, Steve noted that many among us are embarrassed by the Laser. The "word on the street," he said, is strictly negatory, laser-wise.
Beam of coherent light
     I do believe I made a brief pitch for the IVC chipmunks. Or maybe it was the "bobcats."
     Somebody said, I think, that the Laser is plainly a stupid mascot. Then Steve muttered about a conspiracy to maintain the "laser" name/mascot that seems to stem from a dark place, a place of power. Some people nodded gravely. Nobody laughed. I laughed darkly to myself.
     Eventually, Kathy suggested that we place this matter on the agenda for the next senate meeting. Meanwhile, she would advise the powers (and flacks) that be that this anti-Laser move is afoot.
     She seemed pleased.
     I know I was.
     "Dissent the Road." Yeah, that's the ticket. Imagine!
The IVC Duck-Rabbits!
Lasers, lasers,
Fast, I reckon!
Hundred an' 86 
thou per second!

Lasers, lasers,
Industrial cuts!
The sun shines brightly
Out of our butts!
Yay Lasers!
Or the Chipmunks

Impressive laser show
     From Red Emma’s CALLING ALL HEROES!, Dissent the Blog, October 16, 2005
Lasers, lasers, we’re all right!
We’re a coherent beam of light!

Got no football, got no team!
We’re a bright red laser beam!

Pass that photon! Stimulate emission!
We’re on another PR mission! 
The Irvine Valley College Fabulous Victorian Babes
Vision correction! Muscle repair!
Remove unsightly body hair!

We’re the district that hates the Spanish!
Our mascot makes glaucoma vanish!

Who’s the district that had the Denier?
And a Chancellor who’s still a liar?
The IVC light sabers

Lasers, lasers.
Go laaaaaaaaaasers!

Dave Lang sometimes voted fairness!
Now he votes to keep his Chairness!

Fool, this ain’t no low-enrolled school!
It’s an expensive hi-tech tool!

Put on your goggles, cover your cornea!
We was number one in California!

You think right now your eyes are burning?
Wait till we use Distance Learning!

BLIND YOU!  [My personal fave. —RB]

Attack the Senate and governance shared!
Keep the faculty stupid and scared!

2, 4, 6, 8!
WASC will not accreditate!
Irvine! Irvine! Irvine!


Anonymous said...

It could be worse than Laser Road. Really. It could. It could have been Success Street. Or Transfer Lane. Just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

I vote for "Wagner Way"

Anonymous said...

Shoot, I'm still embarrassed over the "valley."

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the extremely excellent laughs!

Anonymous said...

I vote for "Brown Act Ave"

Anonymous said...

I vote for "Bauer Blvd"

Anonymous said...

Think I'll wait until they decide on the mascot...I understand it is a unicorn (mythical beings much like the leaders here on campus)

Anonymous said...

How about the Laser-Sharks as a suitable:

(Sharks, with freekin laaaaaazers strapped to their heads....)

Anonymous said...

How 'bout the IVC CADAVERS?

What with today's fascination with zombies and vampires, sounds viable. Plus it will attract today's students!

Anonymous said...

They cound bring their zombie parties on campus!

Anonymous said...

The walking dead...they can hang out in A100 with the rest of the zombies!

Anonymous said...

The IVC Zonbies! That's the new mascot.

Anonymous said...

"Roquie Road."

Anonymous said...

Wrong Way, no wait, Incorrect Way, no wait, Special Road, no wait, NOT UCI Parkway!

Anonymous said...

Civility Scenic Pass Parkway

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