Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Embarrassing perversitudinal dissonance

ATTENTION DISSENTOPHOBES:

Vexing, isn’t it?

Do you find yourself in the awkward position of really hating this blog but habitually visiting the damned thing anyway?

You really hate Roy, right? And you’re none too keen on that lefty Rebel Girl.

And that trollop Red Emma? —Merde!

Gosh, these Dissenters are a pesky crew. Still, day after day, you find yourself charmed by their prose, elevated by their humor, enchanted by their graphics, and generally captivated by their unremitting fabulousness!

Good Lord! You’re a fan!

Well, you can overcome this embarrassing perversitudinal dissonance. All you’ve got to do is…

START A COUNTER (i.e., an anti-Dissent) BLOG!

First, go to Blogger or a similar site. Follow the directions. Really, starting a blog is a piece of cake! And it’s free!

In truth, the hard part is attracting a readership and then maintaining it.

TIPS:

1. Be good at something.
OK, we realize that this is a problem for most Dissentophobes. But, really, you’ve got to excel somehow. And excelling at abject assholery won’t cut it.

2. Offer something of value.
You know: provide information, entertainment, spiritual enrichment, etc. Just blathering your thoughts won’t do. Unless you’re Nabokov.
Corollary: be sober.

3. Do not deceive or otherwise betray your readers.
Hey, if you lead your readers astray even once, you’re probably toast. Cry wolf only when there are wolves. Yell “liar!” only if you’ve got the Polaroids.

4. Post often—or never.
If it’s gonna take you a whole week to work up a post, you may as well stick it in a bottle and toss it into the ocean.

5. Be open, not furtive; reveal who you are and what you’re about.
If you insist on obscuring your identify, you may as well adopt the pseudonym “Coward of South County.”

6. Be litigation-proof.
I.e., either (a) conspicuously own nothing or (b) have a history of successful lawsuits and countersuits.

7. Have a thick skin; be not a worrywart.
Do you receive even slight criticism as though it were a stake through your heart? Are you endlessly in fear of having your program cancelled because you think Tom Fuentes gave you the stink eye?
Dude, forget about blogging. Try sycophancy.

8. "The flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long” (Stated by that professor dude in Blade Runner who really pissed off Rutger Hauer).
If you’re flaming every day, you'll burn out; plus your holocaust will become boring.

FURTHER TIPS:

Your blog should have a snazzy name. I’ve been brainstorming. Here are some ideas off the top o’ my head:

ACCEPT!
HAPPY JOY SOCCCD
SOUTH COUNTY BASTERDS

Recent reader suggestions:

AGREE THE BLOG
BrownnoseBlog
Complacency
ASSentTheBlog

See also The Anti-Dissent, Toilet Paper, & Old Guard Shenanigans (1999)

Roy's obituary in LA Times and Register: "we were lucky to have you while we did"

  This ran in the Sunday December 24, 2023 edition of the Los Angeles Times and the Orange County Register : July 14, 1955 - November 20, 2...