Monday, November 15, 1999

Mailroom hijinks!

Originally entitled: WHENCE NEGATIVITY? by a Low Life Creep (i.e., CW) [Dissent 37, 11/15/99]
(Ain’t the Old Guard grand? Recently, Professor Bob Parsons sent out a letter in which he called district dissenters “whining malcontents,” “crybabies,” and “low life creeps.” He advised us to “shut up” and “look for a new job.” The day before, Professor McLendon wrote everyone to describe “the Soviet Rep Council,” whose members are “small-minded,...petty, vindictive, cold, selfish, political martinets.” I want to thank you two fellows for clarifying for the visiting accrediting teams just where the district’s notorious “negativity” comes from. I salute you! But, of course, the Old Guard has long favored negativity. To see what I mean, check out what they’ve done with the union website--accessible through the district website—which is filled with “articles” attacking various union members. (website.) Enjoy!)
It’s not easy being positive in the SOCCCD. I recall an episode about a year ago at IVC. I had entered the mailroom in B200 with a handful of Dissents. Walter was standing there, scowling. Nevertheless, I pleasantly inserted newsletters in mailboxes. I do believe I was whistling. Walter attempted to taunt me, and so I hurried, for I feared another hideous display of vitriol and quakage such as I had experienced a year earlier during a conversation with him in front of SSC. I told friends at the time that I thought the poor fellow was gonna pop a blood vessel. “He’s much too negative for his own good,” I said. That day, I didn’t give Walter a newsletter. In general, I don’t leave newsletters with the Unfriendlies, in part because, ironically, they claim to be offended by “negativity,” a point they have on occasion made with no small ugliness. As I left the mailroom and entered the adjoining area, I thought: Gee, is Walter the kind of guy who would remove and read other people’s mail? Hmmm. I turned around. Hello! The darned guy was engaging in surreptitious newsletter removage and readage! What to do? I strolled into the mailroom and said, “Reading others’ mail, are we?” Walter was startled. In one great and horrible spasm, he stuffed the newsletter back into its owner’s mailbox, whereupon he turned red. He glowered. I was very pleasant. I said: “If you want one, Walter, just ask.” He teetered in bewilderment and silence. I do believe he shat his pants. That’s pretty negative. I went out and had pie. * * * * * It has been my experience that sneering, braying fools are rare. For instance, during the last ten or so years, I cannot recall a single incident at a restaurant or a theater or a market in which someone has sneered and brayed at me—or at anyone else. I guess I’m lucky. I must confess, however, that, within the last three years, at Saddleback College and IVC, I have witnessed several sneerings and brayings. For instance, after the election of ’96, that imp Patrick J. Fennel left me an astonishingly ugly and disturbing voicemail message, which I played for friends. “Who the heck is that?,” they asked. “Oh, that’s just Patrick J. Fennel. He teaches theater at Saddleback. He’s part of the union Old Guard.” “Yeah, but what’s the matter with ‘im?” they asked. I still have that tape. It isn’t positive at all. Not at all. * * * * * As everyone knows, Saddleback College is idyllic. Thanks to the dispersal of buttons [buttons with an inane message had been widely distributed at that time], mutual respect is the rule. Still, the Liberal Arts area of the campus has on occasion been a locus of highly negative sneerage and brayage (and even hittage, if you’re a woman). Occasionally, I go there, risking an encounter with Ken “the Needler” Woodward. “Look, it’s that Roy Bauer,” he’ll say. “Yeah, it’s that Roy Bauer. NA na NA na NA NA!” Late last Monday, the 8th, I was in the Liberal Arts mailroom distributing the latest Dissent. It was a good issue, and I was as pleased as punch. I chirped and whistled. The little mailroom on the 3rd floor was very quiet. The pestiferous Ken was nowhere to be seen, thank God. But then the door opened: it was Lee Walker! When he saw me, he froze, staring up at me as though I had sprouted antennae. “Oh no!” I thought. After a few seconds, Lee spoke. He declared: “Bob Cosgrove distributes the Dissents!” “What?” “Bob Cosgrove distributes the Dissents!” “No he doesn’t,” I said. “I do.” “I thought Bob Cosgrove was the one that distributes them.” “No, Lee, I do. I’m distributing them right now. See?” I demonstrated. Now, it pains me to have to say it, but the next thing Lee did was decidedly negative. He got in my face (i.e., my belt-buckle). “Who pays for those!” he barked. Dealing with a negative person can be difficult. Just what do you do? Do you act like he’s not there? With some negativists, that only inspires more intense negativity. I opted for providing minimalist answers. “I pay for them,” I answered. (That’s true, though various other people do occasionally make substantial contributions.) Lee was not satisfied. “Who pays for duplication!” he hissed. “I do.” “Show me the receipts!” he demanded. Receipts? The Dissent is a private newsletter. I don’t need to show no stinkin’ receipts. I indicated that I wasn’t going to show him receipts or anything else anytime soon, and I walked out the door. Phew! A few seconds later, I wondered: Gee, is Lee the kind of guy who would remove and read somebody else’s mail? I headed back to the mailroom. I was shocked, shocked! The fellow had taken a Dissent from someone’s mailbox and was reading it! Incredible! So I opened the mailroom door and, once again, I said, “Reading others’ mail, are we?” Lee lacks Walter’s cat-like reflexes. His are more sloth-like. His eyes shone as he now fumbled with that newsletter, cramming it into its owner’s box. I wondered whether, when I left, he would remove all of the Dissents I had just delivered. So I stood there. He spewed negativity. I don’t recall what he said, but it was negative, boy. I listened; then, finally, I said something like, “Don’t you have some place to go, Lee?” That set him off. “This is MY mailroom,” he declared. “You leave MY mailroom! He scampered in search of a stool. I’ll just sit here in MY mailroom.” He affected a defiant posture, his arms crossed, his nose glowing. Good Lord. It was time to leave. As I left, I advised Lee not to read others’ mail. I walked out. “Don’t think I will!” he shouted after me. (Huh?) I went out to my car. I had planned to go have a nice pie. Now, I wasn’t so sure. I try to be positive, but Walter and Lee and Curt and Raghu and Cedric and Sherry and Steve and Dot and Ken and Sharon and John sure do make it hard. –LLC [To this day, Walter F defends the Raghu Regime. Not sure about Lee. He retired, and I'm glad.]

Taking the Redbait, fishing for receipts—and Martians, too! (Red Emma)

by Red Emma 
[Dissent 37, 11/15/99]

     In an age when pithy, incoherent and stupid electronic communications replace thoughtful, well-argued letters, it’s refreshing to read Curt M’s pithy, incoherent and stupid e-mail received by the editor of this infamous and, by contrast, consistently well-written journal. Emma is a Luddite, but Roy was kind enough to share the poison pentium communiqué from the Rasputin of the Old Guard. 
     The frothy memo was received by Editor Bauer on the anniversary, happily enough, of the fall of the Berlin Wall (and, as Red often points out, unhappily, Kristallnacht too. Speaking of Nazi hobbyists, Trustee Frogue hasn’t attended Student Liberties Club meetings for a few weeks, perhaps bored with playing spy and taking calls on his jackboot phone). I begged Roy to reproduce the e-mail, below. If you’re reading it, it’s because I frightened poor Roy, sneaking up behind him and doing Mathur’s “IVC clap.”
Subject: 
Re: Please help 
Date: Tue, 09 Nov 1999 11:08:08 0800\ 
From: ... (Curt McLendon) 
To: [He spammed it] 
Re: The FA Orphanage Fiasco 
Yeah, let’s see if the FA Rep Council can extend their small-minded, nitpicking, quasi-legalistic maneuvering—not because the membership cares nor because there has been any wrong-doing in the past, but because it might further punish the “old guard.” So what if it inhibits the good deeds that the FA used to do? Oh yeah, we must also avoid appearing as the petty, vindictive, cold, selfish, political martinets that we are. 
Let’s see, we just point out that we are completely in favor of Bob Kopfstein helping needy orphans but he must do it now by either fronting the money himelf [sic] or begging for it, collecting receipts from Tijuana market vendors (right!) and hoping to get reimbursed from the same warm, generous, understanding people who caused the problem to begin with. Let’s do all of this by a vote of the Soviet (oops) Rep Council, and spin it to the members with our propaganda (oops) email machine. 
—Curt McLendon (minority member of the Rep Council)
     Roy’s diplomacy astounds me. He answered the above e-mail with a message that said, “Curt: Thank you for your lovely memo.” [Ed.: Curt responded to Roy’s message with a hostile e-mail.] Pretty generous for a guy who’s been yelled at, threatened, even expelled from F.A. meetings by the Small Circle of Fiends which Big Mac (the “brains” of the operation, if you can reconcile that physiological paradox), along with El Rey [Ray Chandos, IVC electronics instructor], guides so confidently (and bitchily), a sinking dinghy in the treacherous and unfamiliar waters of democratic reform. 
     Yet you’ll notice that Big Mac is so desperate at this point that he pulls out the inevitable revanchist trump card: Commies. The Soviet Union. Yes, folks, Reds! As it happens, this week the State of California was forced to release (prematurely) its own shameful record of harassment and persecution of the left. 
     Our own not-so-Golden State had its own pathetic, if nonetheless toxic, version of the House Committee on Unamerican Activities. Nobody was exempt from this witchhunt. Not lawyers, doctors, Hollywood stars, trade unionists. Not teachers. No, especially not teachers. So, although it’s become tediously painful for me to keep doing it, Red Emma again points to the beautiful irony of a teachers union once led by Republicans, anti-unionists, bigots and homophobes. 

Something a pescado 
     One reason the Fiends are so pissed off is that our new treasurer, Red Ronnie, asks, so tediously, so consistently, so annoyingly for—gasp!—financial accounting. Records. Documents. Receipts. Imagine the tyranny, the Stalinist skullduggery, of this wretched red Minister of Finance! Evil Empire! Comintern! Star Wars! Sandinistas! Yo queiro Taco Bell! 
     Check this out: the members of the deposed junta want us to believe that businesses in the sovereign country of Mexico cannot provide receipts to customers and that, when Mother Teresa Kopfstein buys frijoles and arroz, he can’t bring that little bit of accounting across La Frontera and deliver it to Ronnie. Hey Bob: in Spanish, the word for receipt is “recibo.” 
     Red Emma visits Mexico enough to have received receipts for everything from gasoline to fishing licenses to groceries. Red Emma just got his receipt for an annual fishing license in the mail (el correo) from the Oficina Recuardaro de Pesca. In fact, most merchants insist on carefully writing out a record of customers’ purchases. And in any supermercado, you get a recibo just like in El Norte, where, in some circles, you can condescend and stereotype and imagine gringos will accept your mierda
     As you can see, Red Emma is less shy about using a little Pidgin Spanish than being taken for a pigeon.  
More vocabulary words 
     The Spanish for E.T. is estraterrestre. Perhaps when the creatures finally arrive from space, they’ll locate Curt, author of yet another odd spammed e-mail:
Subject: SETI 
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1999 18:56:42 0800 
From: ... (Curt McLendon) 
To: ...[It was spammed our way] 
Dear Colleagues, If your computer is like mine, it sits idle for a [sic] significant periods of time. You can choose to have your computer do some important science-support work during times that it would otherwise be idle by downloading a program (“SETI@home”), which once installed, makes your computer part of a network of personal computers that are helping to carry out the search for radio signals from extraterrestrials. No joke! This program downloads data chunks collected by the big radiotelescope at Arecibo, Puerto Rico, analyzes the data looking for signal patterns that might indicate an intelligent extraterrestrial source. 
Reductions of funding have otherwise put serious limitations on attempts to do this with big computers. It’s a chance to help do some big science with your own computer. 
The program runs only during “idle” times (as a screen-saver program). You can read much more about the project and download the program at this website: 
http://setiathome.ssl.berkeley.edu/ 
This is a serious, legitimate, risk-free project. Although achievement of its goal is highly speculative, it is a project well worth supporting. 
Thanks for your time, 
—Curt McLendon
     I can see it now. The silver craft hovers above a townhouse somewhere in South County. Curt has carefully painted the words “Tourist Information” on his roof. The small, bulb-shaped green visitors descend a steel ladder under the Mothership. They knock politely on Curt’s door. He sells them a map. They thank him, eyes shining, and scamper back to the UFO. 
     Suddenly, they turn back. Their leader, who is wearing, as it turns out, EXACTLY THE SAME NEON GREEN OUTFIT AS SHERRY MILLER-WHITE, steps forward and, his long arm now fully extended, asks Curt for a receipt. 
     —RE

See also The Old Guard’s not-so-sweet Charity

Andrew Tonkovich

Roy's obituary in LA Times and Register: "we were lucky to have you while we did"

  This ran in the Sunday December 24, 2023 edition of the Los Angeles Times and the Orange County Register : July 14, 1955 - November 20, 2...