Hooverville Community College

.    As you know, the Chancellor, when he isn’t spending his money (he makes over $300K per year) and tooling around in his district-provided Mercedes, fucks up a lot. One of his all-time top fuckups was allowing the district to slowly descend to and below the “50%” mark for instructional expenditures. That’s a big no-no. We don’t even know what the state will do to us when we finally go south of the 50 line, as we're bound to.
.....That particular boner is the reason that the district is hurrying the hire of about forty new full-time faculty ASAP (that's one way to spend bigtime on "instruction"). Thus, every instructor I know is on one or two hiring committees. It's nuts.
.....This massive hiring initiative is wrong in so many ways, I don’t even wanna get into it.
.....On the committee I’m on, we’re now forced to do our interviews on Saturday and Sunday (this coming weekend). There’s no other time that we can do it, what with all the hiring and interviewing flying around and the HR personnel stretched thin.
.....So, even though our district is swimming in dough (owing to our heretofore bonanzular “basic aid” gravy train), there’s only so much extra faculty pay and benefits our board is willing to spring for (cuz they hate faculty more than they love obeying the law), and that means that the district has got to spend lots less on the non-instructional—you know, toilet paper, paper clips, secretaries, and administrators.
.....And so cost-cutting measures will be descending upon us.

.....There’re lots of rumors, of course, concerning what will get cut. The latest one here at IVC is that they’re gonna remove all walk-up copiers.
.....D’oh!

[UPDATE, 4/2: judging by the comments, it appears that some of our readers interpret this post as reporting that a decision has been made by administration to eliminate the walk-up copiers. Please know that (1) in fact, as near as I can tell, there is no basis for supposing that any such decision has been made or is even being contemplated and (2) in this post, I said only that this was "the latest" rumor (see above), not that the rumor has any basis in fact. Further (3) I deliberately colored the word "rumor" red (see above). Perhaps this failed to achieve what I intended.]

.....Now, if that happens, it’ll devastate the college, cuz we pretty much don’t talk to each other around here except when we’re in line to buy coffee or waiting around to use one of the copy machines. On the west end of campus, the chief walk-up copier is housed in the celebrated Howard Gensler Memorial Copy Cubicle, which, despite its namesake, is the most festive and gemütlich zone in the entire district—aside from our (i.e., Reb and my) office door and opium den.
.....How are we ever gonna emerge from our “plague of despair” without our delightful Gensler-free copy zone and coffee klatsch?

.....So the Reb and I have decided to get "proactive," as they say. (Actually, we never use that word.) We’re making a list of the worst possible cost cutting measures, hoping this will send a signal to administration to seek cost-saving elsewhere, like the upper half of Raghu's salary.
.....Eliminating walk-up copiers is #1. Off the top of my head:

2. Convert restrooms to chemistry labs. (Glenn tore out the orange grove, so that's out, latrinewise.)
3. Stop watering the grass. (Hey, we could pump up some of that toxic water just a couple hundred feet below us!)
4. Fire the custodians. (All that unscraped spit and gum on the concrete would form a hideous crust, like one vast potato chip of death.)
5. No more book store. (Well, OK, that's a good idea.)
6. Charge Owen and Wayne for all that gas they pilfered. (Good.)
7. No punch and cookies at commencement. (We'll seem so unsophisticated!)
8. All that mold in A200? Grow it, collect it, sell it. (People need penicillin, don't they?)
9. Charge instructors rent for using their offices (while requiring them do be in their offices all week long). (You know, like the way we pay for parking now!)
10. No more "Astounding Inventions." (Those little rat bastards have taken a free ride long enough!)

Readers, send us your suggestions!

Don’t make me hurt you, or: Raghu Mathur leadership memo #86

Dear Colleagues:

I would like to follow up on my observations which were a prelude to the District Leadership Council meeting last Friday. [i.e., if you like your job, read on.]

I have become more and more concerned over the past few months at the lack of attendance by some administrators and managers at DLC meetings. It is essential that each management leader stay abreast of change. [Huhu. He said breast.] Now more than ever before we are faced with a highly competitive and evolving higher education market in which there is no room for complacency. [Threat fragment! Threat fragment!] The DLC meetings are the mechanism by which all college and district management leaders stay informed about current issues and events in and outside the District, and work together to develop strategies to address such challenges for the good of the students, the colleges and the District today and in years to come. [?!]

In future, if you have a conflict with scheduling, please contact me by e-mail directly requesting absence from the meeting. [May I visit the restroom? May I speak with my neighbor?]

To help avoid scheduling conflicts, below is a survey requesting you give us the three best days and times for you to attend DLC meetings. We shall collect the information and provide you with the dates for future meetings based on the preference of the majority of members. Once DLC meetings are scheduled, it is expected that you will make every effort to attend these leadership meetings regularly

First Option [When hell freezes over.]

Second Option [Or when He-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed writes a sentence sans cliché.]

Third Option [During broadcasts of American Idol.]

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of your attendance at these meetings, and hope this e-mail will provide adequate notice to you that your attendance is indeed expected and paramount. I do not wish to be forced into a position where further action is required. [I get it. Horse heads are expensive.] I need all administrators and managers to take ALL DLC meetings seriously and make every effort to attend as part of your professional duties and responsibilities.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions, concerns or suggestions in this regard. [Nervous trembling optional.]

Thank you.

Raghu [aka inspirational leader]