"Pay attention to what tastes good," and other advice from the Academy

• OTHERS' "LAST LECTURES."

Especially since Randy Pausch’s death, there’s been lots of buzzage about “last lectures.” The Reg’s Science Dude (Dying scientist’s “Last Lecture” inspires O.C.) explains that “Pausch [was] a terminally ill Carnegie Mellon University computer scientist who gave a deeply inspirational ‘last lecture’ that was videotaped and placed on the Internet, where it became wildly popular.”

To see the video, click here.

The Reg asked OC scientists what they’d say in a “last lecture.”

I’ve gotta say, last lectures, at least the ones this crew would offer, aren’t what they used to be—er, they won’t be (in future) what they used to be (relative to now). Whatever.

UCI astrophysicist Greg Benford would offer this: “A simple rule, whether in the ‘Province of Professors’ or the broad plain of Real Life: Pay attention not to what’s thought to be in good taste, but to what tastes good, to you.”

I dunno. In the wrong hands, this could lead to chocoholism and worse. Plus what’s with that last comma?

Retired UCI criminologist Gil Geis would “admonish the listeners to stop pretending to the extent possible that they are going to live forever.” Sounds good. But then Geis veers off in Benford’s disastrous direction: “I’d also tell them that in the end nobody really cares what you do or don’t do, and that your obligation is to — after measuring the pros and cons — do with your limited time those things that most please you.”

I know guys who would attach themselves permanently to an orgasmatron. Plus I don’t think we oughta be telling kids that it doesn’t matter what they do and so they should just wander off into a corner and please themselves. C’mon.

Chapman’s James Doti offers a cliché: “…find your passion and then convert it into a career.”

Well, at least he didn’t say “seize the day,” like that awful Robin freakin’ Williams. (Even carpe diem sounds like bullshit after you hear it 100,000 times—or just once if it’s comin’ out of the insufferable Mr. Patch Adams.)

CSU Fullerton’s P. Cuajungco, a mathematician, already tells his students to be courteous, to view things from others’ perspective, to empathize, and to be honest. OK.

UCI neurobiologist James McGaugh quotes Alan Alda, who urges us to find out what our values are and then to live by them so we can have a sense of purpose. Not bad, I guess.

Not sure why, but I hate that TV show MASH. Wait, I know: MASH, produced mostly by people who never experienced war, “taught” us about the evils of war and the experience of war every goddam week for, like, ten years, even though the war only lasted three.

I’m as anti-war as anybody, but that crew was shameless.

Not that that takes away from Alda’s Existential bromide about finding purpose. (Apparently, Mr. Alda teaches philosophy, too. Boob.)

UCI’s R. Duncan Luce, another mathematician, would explain about the “interplay of forces” that he encountered early in his career: personal luck, perceptive mentors, passion, and elation. Sounds like apples and oranges to me. Plus he spells “quanderies” incorrectly (that could have been the Reg). And what kind of advice is it to say “lotsa luck”?

Famed UCI psychologist Elizabeth Loftus, the memory expert, recalls her regret at not having been kinder to her dying mother. That one was pretty good. Hope I don’t forget it.

UCI chemist Greg Weiss explains how he altered the course of a student’s life—helping her succeed in her Chem class—just by sitting down with her and helping her out.

Yeah, but how does he know she won’t use her power for evil rather than good? —Just kidding. Weiss seems like a good egg.

• ANIMAL RIGHTS EXTREMISTS HIRE KARL ROVE.

Inside Higher Ed reports on animal rights extremist threats:

Pamphlets found in a coffee shop in Santa Cruz make threats against researchers at the University of California campus there who do research with animals, The Santa Cruz Sentinel reported. The material, which included researchers’ home addresses, said: “Animal abusers everywhere beware; we know where you live; we know where you work; we will never back down until you end your abuse.”

—OK, I’m an animal rights guy, but once you start acting like a Republican running for President, you’ve pretty much lost the war.

• BIG, BAD BILL.

IHR also reports on the Huge, Exacting Accountability Bill just passed by Congress:

If a bill’s impact or importance were measured by its length or the amount of time Congress spent working on it, the Higher Education Opportunity Act of 2008 … would be one for the ages. At more than 1,150 pages, the bill is about 20 times longer than the Higher Education Act of 1965 that it modifies, creating 64 new programs and touching on issues as diverse as the availability of Pell Grants and illegal downloading of digital music and video. And the legislation, which finally passed both the House and the Senate by overwhelmingly margins on Thursday, has been in discussion on Capitol Hill, in one form or another, for most of this decade. It is five years overdue….