Friday, September 19, 2008

REPENT OR HELL—reported by intrepid Girl Reporter Lana Lang

[—No, not Rebel Girl. Lana Lang!] The IVC campus quite recently became the lucky recipient of a chance visit by a wandering theological scholar, who held an impromptu guest lecture in the large quad. Eschewing the trendy but overused power point presentation, the visiting professor wrote his notes on a board, spoke in stentorian tones, and finally managed to en”rapture” a somewhat sizeable audience (see plate I and II), albeit consisting of only one individual (who was observed to take no notes.)

The topic of the thesis? Satan’s Children—who they are, and what to do about ‘em. In case you don’t have your reading glasses, here’s the list of those in desperate need of salvation. (Ahem!): “Hypocrite Christians, Lost Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and all other false religions.”

But wait, there’s more: “Sodomites, Pornographers, Pedophiles, Fornicators, Cross-dressers, Lesbians, Adulterers, Transvestites [author’s note: see “Cross-dressers, above] and all other weirdo Sex Perverts.”

PLATE I

Well, sure, that’s obvious. I mean—who can argue? Likewise Hellbound: “Scoffers, The Prideful, Atheists, Agnostics, Idolators, and all other Clueless Fools.”

Hmmm . . . is there such a thing as a clued-in fool?

And—lest we forget—the term “Satan’s Children” also encompasses: “Murderers/Babykillers, Liars, Thieves, Corrupt Politicians, and Covetous Moneygrubbers; Boozers, Dopers, Revelers, Mouthy Women, Girlie-men, and all Sin-loving Heathen.”

—In short: 99.99% of the population. The only people escaping God’s imminent though long-delayed wrath, apparently, would be: Jews who are not lost; Murderers and Babykillers who are clearly only one or the other; plus all non-weirdo sex perverts. Other recipients of the get-out-of jail-free card, judging by their absence on the picket sign: war mongers, racists, homophobes, misogynists, genocidists, morons and the embarrassingly smug and self-righteous. 

Well, Dick Cheney can relax now—except that he undoubtedly hits on at least one of the enumerated categories.

As for intrepid girl-reporter Lois Lane – she finds herself specifically called-out three or four times on God’s Official Enemies List. Alas.

The solution? Simple. REPENT OR HELL

“You know,” the lone member of the (snicker, snicker) “massive” viewing public was overheard to say, “You tell people these things . . . and they get offended!”

PLATE II

Photos submitted by IVC student Mehran Khamnehipour

IN OTHER NEWS – scientists have a discovered a strange ant species in the Amazon:

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Mouthy women?

Anonymous said...

I repent. Forgive me, Invisible Jesus! Now can I vote for a war criminal and a psycho cheerleader? Please, god?

Anonymous said...

Who's Lana?

I don't know any redheads...sure seems like my kinda gal though!

Anonymous said...

RG, before reading this post, I had just finished up in the photo lab with some prints from the "good" professor. In fact, I just emailed them to Chunk since I had yet to see a story on here about the incident.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you can send that cute new reporter to do some investigative reporting on the Veterans Clock Tower about to be erected at considerable expense in the middle of campus.

We need classrooms! Classrooms to teach the returning veterans in!

Damn - who makes a clock tower a priority when we can't even add new classes (now that our enrollment is finally up) because there are not enough classrooms available?

$300,000 for a clock tower?

You can make these vets and all our other students feel more welcome by building classrooms!

(rant over - weekend begun - signing off)

Anonymous said...

He was at Saddleback first where a sizeable crowd greeted him along with two campus police.

He used up most of his energy with us, not you.

Anonymous said...

I walked by later and he had quite the crowd.

Anonymous said...

So, let me get this straight, this guy travels from campus to campus, like Saddleback & then IVC street preaching and carrying this huge "Repent or go to hell" sign on him? How long has this been going on? Where in the world did this nut job come from?

Anonymous said...

What is it w/these Jesus Nazis anyway. You know, to me it's sort of ironic in that they stand there & preach and condemn everyone else around them, when one of the key sayings of Jesus is, "Don't judge, lest ye be judged." Of course, don't dare say that to them b/c they are deluded enough to believe that they are perfect. Heck, throw out Jesus' teachings & just go with your own prejudices. Damn liberal peacenik!:-)

Anonymous said...

Well, maybe he's got the "Liars, Thieves, Corrupt Politicians, and Covetous Moneygrubbers" part right.

--100 miles down the road

torabora said...

Satan (to new comer in Hell):

"The trouble with you Chicago people is, that you think you are the best people down here; whereas you are merely the most numerous."

M. Twain

also

"Heaven for the scenery, Hell for the company"

See ya there!

Roy's obituary in LA Times and Register: "we were lucky to have you while we did"

  This ran in the Sunday December 24, 2023 edition of the Los Angeles Times and the Orange County Register : July 14, 1955 - November 20, 2...