Thursday, September 22, 2005

MONEY AND HOTTIES by Chunk Wheeler


ARE YOU INTO "FAMILY VALUES" LIKE ME? If so, go to the part of the district website that is devoted to “The Chancellor’s Opening Session”:

http://www.socccd.org/chanc/update8-16-05.htm

There, you will discover, among other things, a 60 second radio spot that has been broadcast on KROQ-FM. The spot presents an exchange between an announcer and a surfer dude of the Keanu Reeves variety. Here’s the exchange:

ANNOUNCER: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all the lessons of life can be found in surfing. Let us demonstrate. Let us propose that this surfboard—

SURFER DUDE: Yeah, dude: one God, one fin!

ANNOUNCER: —is the path you carve through life.

SURFER DUDE: Wow, heavy, the path.

ANNOUNCER: And without wax, that path is—…wipe out!...—slippery. What you need is wax—metaphorically speaking—which is to say, college.

SURFER DUDE: Yeah, dude, wax! …um, college.

ANNOUNCER: College is the wax that sticks you to the board that is the path you carve through life and so the waves can be triple overhead, and you will fear no evil.

SURFER DUDE: No fear!

ANNOUNCER: And you can travel through the green room and blast out of the tube with a career and money and hotties and happiness!

SURFER DUDE: college equals a career and happiness! –and some wax, right?

ANNOUNCER: close.

ANNOUNCER: My OC COLLEGE dot com. –Surf on over! Giving away an iPod a week!


I wonder if the writer of this spot knew that he was peppering his surfer skit with allusions, not only to Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, but to the Declaration of Independence and Psalms?

Surely he is a scholar of the first rank!

I must be a chump. I keep telling students that getting a good education is important because….well, never mind. Now I’m embarrassed. Gosh, it never occurred to me to mention HOTTIES.

The above site also outlines a presentation made on opening day by Tracy Daly, the district’s marketing person. (She seems nice; why does she always seem to be cowering?) According to the site, Tracy gave an update, which concluded with “three things that everyone can do to promote the Colleges.”

They're pretty good. Are you ready?

1. Be positive.
2) Think what you can do.
3) Keep 5 schedules in your car.


Yes, being positive is so important. No doubt she can trace that particular nugget to the Chancellor, a fellow, who, when he was President of IVC, used to distribute a handout about "attitude." It offered the following positive suggestions:

:-) Give yourself one compliment per day.
:-) Have a “Brag Buddy” to share successes with.
:-) Say to yourself at least ten times per day, “I love myself” or “I like myself.”
:-) Make a photo copy of the palm of your hand and give yourself a “pat on the back.”


That last suggestion's so deep, that its depth stretches all the way from the universe to the black hole in space (to praphrase Tony Orlando).

Tracy offers some concrete suggestions for “what you can do,” including “take as many students as possible in your classes.”

Why didn’t I think of that!?

Ms. Daly also helpfully explains about the “5 schedules”: you've got to have some handy, cuz students, she says, can be found “in hair salons, gyms and shopping malls.”

Is that where we’ve been scrapin’ up students all these years? --CW

MR. DEBS OFFERS SOME ARTWORK FROM HIS IMPRESSIVE COLLECTION


Elegant, is he not? This is what you've gotta wear at graduation if'n you get your "doctorate" from Nova Southeastern. It's called RAGHULIA.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

MORONS RUN DISTRICT? by Chunk Wheeler

Have you seen the district’s latest promotional campaign? Evidently, our district "marketing" crew hopes to entice students to Saddleback and Irvine Valley Colleges via the distribution of hacky sack balls, the display of incoherent surfer images, and associations with lurid TV shows.

I don’t know what to make of the hacky sack balls (see image), but it is probably worth noting that they are a pair and they come with a pencil, I think.

The district is also giving away a “waterless tattoo” (see below balls). The tattoo sports an image that also adorns the 12X12 flier (see).

The image is of a surfer who is about to “wipe out.” The picture is cracked or something. Random blurry black lines appear.

I don’t get it.

I showed the graphic to Mark down the hall, and he didn’t see a crack. He saw “barbed wire.” He stared down at the image in silence for quite some time. He cocked his head. We heard cackling in the distance.

Well, whether it’s a surfer wrapped in barbed wire or a surfer who's cracked—either way, the image seems to say: “we oppose surfing.”

I don’t get it. What’s wrong with surfing?

The flier mentions “the OC.” Unless I am very much mistaken, that element of the new campaign is a ploy to exploit the cool vibe of the hot Fox teen-age TV show called The OC. I’ve never actually seen The OC, but the ads make it look like a pile of crap. I would bet my right hacky sack that it is a big steaming pile.

Just for laughs, I headed to the show’s website, which, at first, opens up to swirling spudular Burger King ads. When the burgers and fries clear, one finds a bio of the show’s main character “Ryan Atwood.” It says:

“Ryan slowly warmed to Seth’s ‘The Way We Were’ plan and eventually he and Marissa reunited. But then Ryan’s brother, Trey, tried to rape Marissa. When Ryan found out, he tracked down his brother and they fought. Unfortunately, Trey had a gun and the fight went from ugly to deadly. Before Trey could do in his brother, Marissa grabbed the gun and shot him in the back.”

--Attempted rape, shooting people in the back, Whoppers: I can certainly see why the district wants to associate this show with our colleges.

The promotional tattoo sports a website url: myOCcollege.com. I tried the url on my office computer, and my screen immediately froze. I tried it again. It froze again. I had Rebel Girl try it on her computer. Her screen froze too.

Evidently, the district is run by morons.

Back home, on my Mac, I tried the “OC” url again. This time, it worked, and I was brought to a display of the surfer image, only now the image was even less coherent. Inexplicably, the portion of the image that includes the horizon line now appears isolated on top of the screen. Meanwhile, the portion of the image that includes the surfer is scrunched at the bottom right. In between: pitch black.

What does it all mean? I have no idea.

Suddenly, I see: “Are you ready for the NEXT STEP?”

Japanese music starts to play.

Then: “Want the SMARTEST CHOICE for college?” Then another question: “learn from the BEST FACULTY at the LOWEST COST?”

More Japanese music.

Eventually, one enters the main page, whereupon one encounters this message, among others:

Want a million bucks?

Over on the right, there’s a photo of an attractive young lady who is beaming with joy. She is quoted as saying: “I want to change the world and make it a better place for humanity.” (The “million bucks” thing appears under her.)

Also on the right, there’s a profile of students who are identical twins. We learn that: “With the help of science, multiple birth rates have gone up….”

The help?

Elsewhere on the site, we encounter “Stuff to Do.” Among the things listed:

Hang out at the mall.

Catch a movie, rays or some waves.

Take a surfing class.

Get a bite to eat or great coffee.


Somehow, I really like that last one. “Get a bite to eat”: yes, that is indeed enticing. But I’ve got my own marketing and PR ideas, and I’ll share them with you in my next posting. --CW

Update (9/23/05):

Reliable sources tell me that, a few days ago, at "Chancellor's cabinet," it was revealed that the district is looking to hire yet another outside consultant, this time to figure out our enrollment problem. I'm told that some faculty who were present at the meeting expressed concern (consternation? frustration?). Faculty noted that the district has an expensive crew of administrators, and yet the task of running the district is evidently beyond them, and so, once again, we are forced to hire expensive outside help.

Recently, Chancellor Mathur's salary was boosted to a Quarter Million Dollars.

OK, so the board will hire a consultant. If the past is any indication, once they get the consultant's report, they'll throw it in the trash.

Back in the late 90s, an earlier incarnation of the "conservative Board Majority" dithered about our "governance" problems. In March of '97, they hired an expensive outside consultant, the Sorenson group. In June, they got the report they paid for. The Sorenson Report observed that there is a "very low" "level of trust" between groups in the district and that "Each and every stakeholder group has been disempowered." On the basis of such findings, the Sorenson group urged the board to refrain from making dramatic changes--at least until "stakeholder groups" could be brought into the decison process.

So what did the board do? Wthin days of receiving the report, they (illegally, as it turns out) imposed a drastic administrative reorganization on the two colleges.

In the two months prior to the Reorg, then-IVC President Mathur had instructed his VPI to work on an administrative restructuring of precisely the kind that ultimately occurred. The VPI was told to work in secret. (When the VPI took steps to reveal to other governance groups what changes were being planned, he was formally reprimanded.)

While this was going on, in July, Mathur assured IVC faculty (in writing) that no administrative changes would be contemplated until faculty returned in the fall.

Then, all of a sudden, in mid-July, in a closed session, the colleges were radically reorganized. --CW

Monday, September 19, 2005

THE NEW GOO REALLY LIKES T&A by Chunk Wheeler

As all DISSENTers know, SOCCCD faculty recently experienced abject screwage—by DAVE LANG, the current president of the Board of Trustees. For years, IVC faculty have regarded this conservative Milquetoastian bean-counter as a friend and a stalwart in the crucial enterprise of ridding the district of Mr. Goo (aka Raghu P. Mathur).

We worked on Dave's campaigns, we gave the fellow our time and our money. We knew, we thought, that we could always count on old Dave—just as we could always count on Marcia Milchiker and Bill Jay.

By the beginning of last Spring semester, owing to Trustee Nancy Padberg’s evident change of heart re Raghu—it appears that she now despises the fellow—it seemed that we finally had the votes to rid ourselves of His Pestilence. In December, Mathur's contract was not renewed, and he and his Board boosters (Williams, Wagner, & Fuentes) had but a few short months to pull a rabbit out of a hat.

"No way," said the optimists. In our hearts, we rejoiced and commenced anticipating a new day of heavenly Goo-lessness.

But no.

Suddenly, despite the severe Accreditation spankage the colleges received--thanks largely to Raghu--and expensive Mathur-generated litigation against the district, Lang did a complete 180 re Mathur. Our jaws dropped as Dave helped renew Mathur’s contract. They dropped lower still when Mathur was given a Quarter Million Dollar salary, making him the highest paid Chancellor in the known universe.

WHAT HAPPENED? Naturally, some faculty confronted Mr. Bean. During these confrontations, Dave generally explains himself by insisting that he, Dave, is a CHANGER OF MEN. With Dave’s help, Raghu, he says, can somehow be made anew into a decent human being, one who embraces "open dialogue" and all other things warm and fuzzy.

“You must be nuts,” we say, jaws resting firmly upon the floor.

So is Mr. Goo new? Who, if not old Goo, does he DO?

WELL, HERE’S THE THING. Among the issues roiling the SOCCCD is how to define the roles and duties of the governance groups. (That's like saying that New Orleans is wet.) Recently, the Accreditation people recommended that "the board of trustees, district leadership, and college leadership [should] define, publish, adhere to, [&]regularly evaluate...the respective leadership roles and scopes of authority of college and district constituent groups...."

So it's official. Gotta think about roles.

Naturally, the district and the Academic Senates don't see eye to eye on this. What to do? Well, one approach is to call for "technical assistance," a process whereby a "neutral" party enters the picture and helps resolve conflict.

Now, the Academic Senates of our district have long been promoters of "technical assistance" (T&A). Here's how it usually works in our case: some third party comes in on behalf of the district and another third party comes in on behalf of faculty, and then fair and balanced discussion happens.

That's the theory anyway.

In actual practice, the district usually calls in the organization of community college trustees to be their "third party." That club is way slanted in favor of boards. We faculty counter by asking some pro-faculty entity like the State Academic Senate to by our "third party."

The district's Academic Senates have been calling for T&A for years, but the Imperious Goo has always just said "no." As you know, he has always prided himself on his staunch intransigence.

But the New Goo--the "open dialogue" Goo--has surprised everyone. He is now calling for T&A with regard to this Accreditation-fueled "roles" issue!

Could it be that the New Goo is new for true? Whoo!

NOT SO FAST. Not long after Mathur's surprise suggestion, Wendy G, President of the IVC Academic Senate, TOLD RAGHU that we (i.e., the faculty) were thinking of asking the Association of American University Profs to be our "neutral third party" instead of the silly old State Academic Senate.

The AAUP!? Those tireless champions of academic freedom? Raghu didn't like that at all. He sniffed and snorted.

So what does the True New Goo do? Does he shoot straight? Is his blue true?

Nooooo. Without telling the district's two Academic Senates, and in utter disregard of what Wendy told him, he went off and wrote the State Academic Senate, asking that body if it would represent faculty in T&A!

It was a classic Mathurian end run.

Ladies and gentlemen, behold the New Goo! --CW

--CHUNK

WONDROUS STINKOID APPARITION by Chunk Wheeler


Chunk Wheeler here. Late last night, Rebel Girl came to my home in the mountains and left a burning sack of Goo on my doorstep.

As per secret agreement, this stinkoid apparition meant the reawakening of Dissent after years of persistent and defiant snoozage. Too bad about my shoe, though.

Within the Goo was an email. I hosed it off. It said: DISSENT THE BLOG.

OK. I'll get to work.

-Chunk

We're Baaaaack!


Rudely awakened from our undogmatic slumber by obscene administrative salaries, stunning political betrayals and our love of the Spanish people, the ace reporters of Dissent have returned to afflict the comfortable and comfort the afflicted.

Stay tuned.

Roy's obituary in LA Times and Register: "we were lucky to have you while we did"

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