Friday, August 9, 2013

Colleagues: make like a Republican

A fine summer tan
     SOCCCD colleagues,
     If your experience is anything like mine, the world has recently turned on you. In the last few days, dastardly forces have united and now seek to END YOUR SUMMER and cause you to don your TEACHING FACE. "It's August!" the infernal choir roars. "Get off your duff and start spewing pointless emails about lint and OSH and enrollment targets. Start planning every minute of your life so you can reconnect with every bovine, widget-obsessed committee you’re on and attend all those cheesy and deluded meetings about “persistence rates,” “digital studentry,” “the future of ATEP,” and "the new and improved curriculum process." Write your syllabuses and file ‘em with the secretary (and then write a note apologizing for using the word "secretary"). Contact your colleagues and pester ‘em about due dates for those A-Z SLOs. Turn in your 5420Bs and file your J-17s."
     And, above all, remove your goddam SUMMER FACE immediately!

     To this, I say…
     Make like a Republican: Just say "no" to all of it. Get up and scream, "I don't need to cooperate with anybody cuz I'm a true American!"
     Remember: you have a right to every goddam minute and every goddam second of your summer!
     Cooperation is unmanly and fey and possibly even French!

     Here's a magazine-load of handy tips:
1. For the next week, do not read your email. Face it: most of it is bullshit anyway. Toss it all in the trash.
2. Likewise, screen your phone calls carefully. Prepare to tell your dean you got his five messages but you couldn’t make ‘em out somehow. What’s a body to do?
3. Avoid proximity to colleagues and the college. I have alternate routes to the beach on file; just email me.
4. Start planning vacations for the week of August 19th. You’ll never take ‘em, of course, but you’ve got to believe that you’ll take ‘em—or else your mind will mess you up and make you all anxious and thinking that you’ve got to hurry to duplicating in the morning.
5. Start each morning with a cold shower whilst reciting this mantra: “it’s summer, and I ain’t got to be nowhere or listen to nobody NOHOW."
     And whatever else you do, do resist the urge to open the college Flex Program schedules, which can be found here:
• Saddleback College

     Just for laughs, check out this 1987 episode of “Moonlighting.” Our own Frank Pangborn briefly appears as a cop at 35:13 and 39:20. In the case of each appearance, sneeze and you’ll miss it.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Frank was young abd good-looking. I wonder why he didn't issue his acting career.

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