Memos Mean I Love You

TO: the college community

FROM: the office of the College President

RE: recent events at the edge of campus (i.e., the greenhouse)

As some of you are aware, the college greenhouse suffered damage last week. It seems that the power source serving the facility was—alas—inadvertently disconnected by the crew working on the new state-of-the-art theater facility on that Friday. (SNAFUery)

That weekend's record-breaking high temperatures inspired my own family and I to fly to the river and enjoy our Sea-Doos. I love my Sea-Doo. Vroom, vroom. But I digress.

The unseasonable heat—plus, of course, the lack of power to regulate temperatures inside the greenhouse—meant that the plants within were unable to survive. Sources say that the temps inside reached 160 degrees. Impressive. (But not as impressive as me on my Sea-Doo. Talk about HOT. Whoa.)

I have not always been a fan of the greenhouse. You may remember the firm public stand I took when a faculty member faced the loss of his job for allegedly placing a nameplate on the facility. I am a firm believer in rules, even those that don't exist at the time they are being enforced.

But, after awhile, my motto was: "Live and Let Live"—and until last Friday, that's exactly what happened in the greenhouse, except there in bio it's called "photosynthesize and let photosynthesize."

We are not about killing plants, people. That's not the American way.

Were this any other institution, you might expect to be apprised of this news via the college newspaper, but, as most of you know, that award-winning program was systematically underfunded and oppressed until it was no more—it was, as some say, "run into the ground" or "had its legs cut off from under it." You get the picture.

That's why you have to depend on these irregular memos from me to inform you of events and to dispel rumors. For example, there is absolutely no truth to the idle tittle-tattle that the Chancellor was seen skulking about in the orange groves adjacent the greenhouse with wire cutters and a GPS. The Chancellor has personally assured me that he is not a man who holds grudges, and we know that personal assurances are the gold standard in this district. Though others have pointed out that our leader is under considerable stress these days, the idea that he would stoop to vindictive acts is incomprehensible to those who know him well.


Now the good news: it has been brought to my attention that Board Policy 345691.98 states:

"In the event that the building of one facility causes the inadvertent destruction of another facility and/or irreparable damage to another facility, the faculty who have suffered the loss can assume ownership of the offending facility."

This means that our Life Science colleagues can expect to possess what many have longed for: a state-of-the-art theater. I know this must especially please one: yes, soon one Bio prof will be able to stage Gilbert and Sullivan festivals, and yes, flex credit will be offered.

Of course, this leaves Fine Arts with a greenhouse filled with wilted and roasted flora and fauna. Sorry guys.

Some say that the others should be held responsible for this tragedy—that there should have been oversight, supervision, accountability, liability, that management should have been managing affairs, etc. Some think that this episode is inextricably linked to the recent unfortunate series of events which found us without adequate classrooms on the first day of classes and of course, the re-keying situation, which left faculty and staff locked out of their offices and classrooms.

But we know better, don't we?