Mailroom hijinks!

Originally entitled: WHENCE NEGATIVITY? by a Low Life Creep (i.e., CW) [Dissent 37, 11/15/99]

(Ain’t the Old Guard grand? Recently, Professor Bob Parsons sent out a letter in which he called district dissenters “whining malcontents,” “crybabies,” and “low life creeps.” He advised us to “shut up” and “look for a new job.” The day before, Professor McLendon wrote everyone to describe “the Soviet Rep Council,” whose members are “small-minded,...petty, vindictive, cold, selfish, political martinets.” I want to thank you two fellows for clarifying for the visiting accrediting teams just where the district’s notorious “negativity” comes from. I salute you! But, of course, the Old Guard has long favored negativity. To see what I mean, check out what they’ve done with the union website--accessible through the district website—which is filled with “articles” attacking various union members. (website.) Enjoy!)

It’s not easy being positive in the SOCCCD. I recall an episode about a year ago at IVC. I had entered the mailroom in B200 with a handful of Dissents. Walter was standing there, scowling. Nevertheless, I pleasantly inserted newsletters in mailboxes. I do believe I was whistling. Walter attempted to taunt me, and so I hurried, for I feared another hideous display of vitriol and quakage such as I had experienced a year earlier during a conversation with him in front of SSC. I told friends at the time that I thought the poor fellow was gonna pop a blood vessel. “He’s much too negative for his own good,” I said. That day, I didn’t give Walter a newsletter. In general, I don’t leave newsletters with the Unfriendlies, in part because, ironically, they claim to be offended by “negativity,” a point they have on occasion made with no small ugliness. As I left the mailroom and entered the adjoining area, I thought: Gee, is Walter the kind of guy who would remove and read other people’s mail? Hmmm. I turned around. Hello! The darned guy was engaging in surreptitious newsletter removage and readage! What to do? I strolled into the mailroom and said, “Reading others’ mail, are we?” Walter was startled. In one great and horrible spasm, he stuffed the newsletter back into its owner’s mailbox, whereupon he turned red. He glowered. I was very pleasant. I said: “If you want one, Walter, just ask.” He teetered in bewilderment and silence. I do believe he shat his pants. That’s pretty negative. I went out and had pie. * * * * * It has been my experience that sneering, braying fools are rare. For instance, during the last ten or so years, I cannot recall a single incident at a restaurant or a theater or a market in which someone has sneered and brayed at me—or at anyone else. I guess I’m lucky. I must confess, however, that, within the last three years, at Saddleback College and IVC, I have witnessed several sneerings and brayings. For instance, after the election of ’96, that imp Patrick J. Fennel left me an astonishingly ugly and disturbing voicemail message, which I played for friends. “Who the heck is that?,” they asked. “Oh, that’s just Patrick J. Fennel. He teaches theater at Saddleback. He’s part of the union Old Guard.” “Yeah, but what’s the matter with ‘im?” they asked. I still have that tape. It isn’t positive at all. Not at all. * * * * * As everyone knows, Saddleback College is idyllic. Thanks to the dispersal of buttons [buttons with an inane message had been widely distributed at that time], mutual respect is the rule. Still, the Liberal Arts area of the campus has on occasion been a locus of highly negative sneerage and brayage (and even hittage, if you’re a woman). Occasionally, I go there, risking an encounter with Ken “the Needler” Woodward. “Look, it’s that Roy Bauer,” he’ll say. “Yeah, it’s that Roy Bauer. NA na NA na NA NA!” Late last Monday, the 8th, I was in the Liberal Arts mailroom distributing the latest Dissent. It was a good issue, and I was as pleased as punch. I chirped and whistled. The little mailroom on the 3rd floor was very quiet. The pestiferous Ken was nowhere to be seen, thank God. But then the door opened: it was Lee Walker! When he saw me, he froze, staring up at me as though I had sprouted antennae. “Oh no!” I thought. After a few seconds, Lee spoke. He declared: “Bob Cosgrove distributes the Dissents!” “What?” “Bob Cosgrove distributes the Dissents!” “No he doesn’t,” I said. “I do.” “I thought Bob Cosgrove was the one that distributes them.” “No, Lee, I do. I’m distributing them right now. See?” I demonstrated. Now, it pains me to have to say it, but the next thing Lee did was decidedly negative. He got in my face (i.e., my belt-buckle). “Who pays for those!” he barked. Dealing with a negative person can be difficult. Just what do you do? Do you act like he’s not there? With some negativists, that only inspires more intense negativity. I opted for providing minimalist answers. “I pay for them,” I answered. (That’s true, though various other people do occasionally make substantial contributions.) Lee was not satisfied. “Who pays for duplication!” he hissed. “I do.” “Show me the receipts!” he demanded. Receipts? The Dissent is a private newsletter. I don’t need to show no stinkin’ receipts. I indicated that I wasn’t going to show him receipts or anything else anytime soon, and I walked out the door. Phew! A few seconds later, I wondered: Gee, is Lee the kind of guy who would remove and read somebody else’s mail? I headed back to the mailroom. I was shocked, shocked! The fellow had taken a Dissent from someone’s mailbox and was reading it! Incredible! So I opened the mailroom door and, once again, I said, “Reading others’ mail, are we?” Lee lacks Walter’s cat-like reflexes. His are more sloth-like. His eyes shone as he now fumbled with that newsletter, cramming it into its owner’s box. I wondered whether, when I left, he would remove all of the Dissents I had just delivered. So I stood there. He spewed negativity. I don’t recall what he said, but it was negative, boy. I listened; then, finally, I said something like, “Don’t you have some place to go, Lee?” That set him off. “This is MY mailroom,” he declared. “You leave MY mailroom! He scampered in search of a stool. I’ll just sit here in MY mailroom.” He affected a defiant posture, his arms crossed, his nose glowing. Good Lord. It was time to leave. As I left, I advised Lee not to read others’ mail. I walked out. “Don’t think I will!” he shouted after me. (Huh?) I went out to my car. I had planned to go have a nice pie. Now, I wasn’t so sure. I try to be positive, but Walter and Lee and Curt and Raghu and Cedric and Sherry and Steve and Dot and Ken and Sharon and John sure do make it hard. –LLC [To this day, Walter F defends the Raghu Regime. Not sure about Lee. He retired, and I'm glad.]