Chunk's open letter to the Chancellor

Cook: I was against it, you know.
Moore: Against what?
Cook: The Second World War.
Moore: Well, I think everyone was against the Second World War.
Cook: Yes, but I wrote a letter!

—Someone’s imperfect recollection of a famous Peter Cook/Dudley Moore sketch. Those guys had their moments!

AS YOU KNOW, some VIPs of the South Orange County Community College District are in the habit of making decisions on behalf (they proclaim) of the long-suffering "taxpayer."

Taxpayers do have it bad. For instance, it's hard for them to get reliable information about what goes on in the SOCCCD, what with unscrupulous politicians claiming that our faculty have "36 hour work weeks" or that they make on average 100 grand a year. I've met South County taxpayers who seem to think that SOCCCD faculty spend their days "teaching" the "gay and lesbian lifestyle." That's what they tell me, anyway.

Part of the problem is that the system makes it hard for citizens to monitor how decisions are made in the good ol' SOCCCD. As you know, in our district, the trustees "are the decider." Even when they're not supposed to be the decider, they're still the decider. OK. So how is the poor taxpayer to keep track of all this trustee decidery?

It ain't easy. Consider our board meeting agendas--composed, I assume, by Chancellor Mathur. The typical taxpayer must have trouble reading them. (They are readily available here, though the district makes no effort advertising that fact.)

I'm not saying that they're terrible. They're not. It's just that no effort is made to make them intelligible to the taxpayer, who likely has no idea what a "governance group" is or what "basic aid" is about. I can just see him or her asking himself, "Why is there a 'closed' session in the middle of this 'open' session?" "What on earth is 'reassigned time'?" "What are all these different 'senates' they keep referring to? Shouldn't there be just one?"

People who bother to get ahold of our agendas must get frustrated. After a while, I'll bet, they just give up trying to figure out what the next meeting is about.

Imagine if, instead, we made it easy for 'em!

So I've decided to write a letter:

Dear Chancellor MATHUR:

If you need help writing a taxpayer-friendly agenda, I am available to assit you. You know where I am.

Here's an example of my work. On the agenda for tomorrow's board meeting, regarding item 26, YOU wrote:

26. SADDLEBACK COLLEGE: ACADEMIC STIPENDS – SPRING 2007 - Approval of extra-contractual faculty assignments [sic] for Spring 2007.

Now, me, a guy who likes to look out for his fellow citizen, I would have written something like this:

26. WE'RE PAYING FOR SPECIAL WORK. Some Saddleback College faculty have agreed to do work next semester beyond their regular teaching duties—for instance, hiring and evaluating part-time instructors. This item informs the trustees about that [or it informs the trustees that these instructors will be paid for this work].

No doubt you can whip up a mean beaker of weird green chemicals. But let's face it, Raghu—you're no writer. Please note the obvious flaws of your own verbiage:

● The agenda says that item 26 is "information only"—that is, the trustees are not being asked to approve anything. And yet the above verbiage "informs" the board of "approval" of "assignments." That's confusing.

● Item 26's description indicates, in capital letters, that it concerns "stipends." And yet the verbiage that follows refers to "assignments." Aren't those two different things? Again, this is confusing, even to an insider! I think you're confused, dude, and when a writer is confused, his reader is even confuseder.

● Item 26 refers to "Academic" stipends. As opposed to what? Isn't everything at a college "academic"? —'Ceptin' for mowing the lawn, I guess.

—In general, taxpayers must find it hard to understand our agendas as they are now organized and written. It wouldn't take much to make them UTTERLY INTELLIGIBLE. Why not do that? I MEAN, DO WE CARE ABOUT THE TAXPAYER OR NOT?

Raghu, let me know if I can help. You won't even have to give me a stipend. I'll do it for free. Honest. But don't you be goin' to the board taking the credit, or insisting on being paid for MY WORK!

I know you, dude. I've got your number. Bigtime.

Yours truly,

CHUNK