Dec 26, 2009

1969: Saddleback's war on hair

Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen:

Back in 1969, some hairy kid named Lindahl King tried to register for classes at Saddleback College, but he was turned away owing to his long hair. Fred H. Bremer was the Superintendent of what was then the Saddleback Junior College District, and he supported the action.

King sued.

(If you’re interested in the details of the court case, you might want to look here and here.)

In January of 1970, the “District Court issued its preliminary injunction enjoining [Saddleback] from refusing to register King in the college and from refusing to allow him to attend classes on the ground that his hair style was not acceptable under the applicable dress code.”

Two more kids signed on, and the same thing happened.

But, near as I can tell, things went downhill from there for these hairy kids. In the end (I believe), the courts ruled in favor of Bremer and Co.

I think King went on to make wooden tubas. Don't know what's become of his hair. I think maybe John's now got it pasted to the top of his head.

This is from the district’s 1970 appeal:

This is an appeal by Saddleback Junior College District from a grant of two preliminary injunctions sought by Lindahl King and two other students at the Junior College. ¶ Lindahl King alleged in a complaint filed in the United States District Court that he was refused registration at Saddleback Junior College … unless and until he conformed his hair style to the requirements of the established dress code of the school. The regulation in question proscribes:
"Hair which falls below the eyebrows, or covers all or part of the ear, or hangs entirely over the collar of a dress shirt."
He sought a declaratory judgment invalidating the regulation and an injunction enjoining the Junior College District, its Superintendent, and the president of the college from enforcing the regulation….


Fred H. Bremer: hair style "conducive to learning"

The matter came on for hearing on December 29, 1969…. On January 6, 1970, the District Court issued its preliminary injunction enjoining the defendants from refusing to register King in the college and from refusing to allow him to attend classes on the ground that his hair style was not acceptable under the applicable dress code.

Subsequently, two other students were added as plaintiffs, and on January 19, 1970, a hearing was held on their similar complaints. Upon a substantially like record the District Court, on February 5, 1970, issued the preliminary injunction in identical form against the defendants and in favor of the new plaintiffs, Mark Carlson and Michael Martin.

Well, like I said, things went downhill from there. In this appeal (April of 1970), the court opined:
Where preservation of the status quo favors denial of the injunctions, where the probability of ultimate success is in doubt, where the appellants have not shown any real hardship resulting from denial, and where the record at this time is based on affidavits which are confusing and contradictory, we do not believe the two preliminary injunctions should have been granted.
But litigation lasted at least until 1971, when the above April '70 decision was upheld. So this must have cost the district some real money.

Luckily, we know how important this case was to Bremer. In one of the filings, he was on record as opining:
"Based upon my academic training and administrative experience, I am of the opinion that dress codes which include regulations applicable to male hair styles are desirable for junior colleges. Such codes aid in maintaining an environment which is conducive to learning and in avoiding disruptions of the educative process."
Um. Guess so. In fact, no disruptions occurred with these three hairy kids set loose at the college.

Yeah, said the judge. But that doesn't mean it couldn't occur.


Young Natalie, Christmas Eve

Top photo: right-wing rocker, Ted Nugent, c. 1969

Stupid mascots and the Irvine Company's "black heart"





Pretty soon, Irvine Valley College students will confront the crucial matter of selecting a mascot to replace the ridiculous “Laser”—which, as you know, is a kind of flashlight. I’m rootin’ for the Bobcats.

For about forty years, Saddleback College has been saddled, mascot-wise, with the “Gauchos,” although all known “Gaucho” images used at the college make clear that the Saddleback College Gauchos have no clue what a Gaucho is. (They confuse the South American gaucho with, well, not the Mexican vaquero, but, well, the freakin' Frito Bandito.)

The only thing worse than the IVC Lasers and the Saddleback College Gauchos is the UCI “Anteaters.”

I arrived at UCI straight from high school, in 1973, and I guess I wasn’t very impressed. I’m pretty sure that the only club was the Young Republicans. It didn’t help that we called ourselves “anteaters.” That seemed stupid to me.



They still haven't dumped that silly mascot.

Well, in case you’re interested, above is a YouTube slide show about the selection of UCI’s mascot. It accompanies a rambling account, by one Schuyler Hadley Bassett, of how the mascot selection was made during the university’s opening year in 1965. (A conversation with Schuyler Hadley Bassett.) A freshman at the time, he spearheaded the “anteater for mascot” campaign, despite his well-founded reservations about that awful idea. Essentially, they pursued the "anteater" idea 'cause they didn't want to be pushed around by the Man.

His account is mildly amusing.

I’ll give this Bassett fella credit: he manages to refer to the “black heart” of the Irvine Company. I guess he thinks everybody thinks that. I guess they do. According to Bassett, students wanted a silly mascot, like Santa Barbara's "banana slugs," but the Irvine Co. hired professionals to come up with dignified mascots and images, and the pressure was on. The students rejected all that. Must've pissed off those Irvinos.

I found the video on a blog called Anteater Antics, “Odds and ends from Special Collections and Archives, UC Irvine Libraries.” It ain’t much.



Previous posts (surprisingly brief) have included

Waiting for LBJ
(That’s right. The crude Texan was on hand for the opening.)

“Silent Movie”
(I was around for that one, in 1976. I recall thinking that Mel Brooks was the grumpiest man alive. He was that day.)

Famous speakers from the past
(Angela Davis, Eldridge Cleaver. Back in ’68 and ’69.)

From Gaucho and Laser ridiculosity (DtB, 2/15/06)
I'm told that, when the "mascot" issue first came up at IVC, then-President Ed Hart was determined to choose, as IVC's mascot, a critter like the Wolverine. "Wolverines"? said everybody. "Yeah, goddam Wolverines!" said Ed. He was like that.

Well, I asked IVC's surviving geezers—there's like three or four of 'em, and you have to catch them between naps—and some of 'em say it was the Wolverines, and some of 'em say it was the Wildcats.


There's a great "Wildcat" story. Once the "Wildcat" mascot idea was put out there, the campus was immediately divided about it. So one of the opponents of Wildcattery found a photograph of a cat engaging in, um, personal lickage. This lurid photo was circulated around campus. 

Upon it was written, "Nobody licks the Wildcats!"
Compare and contrast...

Lasers! Lasers!
Generating an intense beam of coherent monochromatic light!
Lasers lasers,
fight fight fight!

We are Bobcats, you are toast!
We use your ass as a scratchin' post!


Meanwhile, at Saddleback College:


Gauchos? Vaqueros? What the hey!
Get our learnin' from Frito-Lay!
Gooooooooooo Gauchos!

Dec 24, 2009

Xmas with Love on Letterman; plus Big Star gets all existential and sings about Jesus



The glorious original recording



Alex Chilton (of Big Star) is some kinda lunatic. But he’s brilliant and wonderful and I love this song. Always have. (I hear irony—especially when he sings, "we're gonna get born now," but Chilton is from the south, so who knows.)

From Big Star’s Third, recorded in 1974. Originally, only 250 copies were made.

Nevertheless, for what it’s worth, the album has long been a critical favorite. Rolling Stone included it on its list of the 500 greatest albums of all time. New Music Express ranked it as #1 of “the Top 30 most heartbreak albums.” (Evidently, the Brit rock press is illiterate.) Have a listen.

Some of you oldsters will  remember Chilton from his 1967 hit "The Letter," when he was singing for the Box Tops. He was sixteen-years-old when he recorded it. Had a gravelly, soulful voice. Another great song: "Cry Like a Baby" in 1968. (Love the fake-sitar guitar, the backing singers, the production—and Alex's soulful voice.)

As Chilton grew older, the growl in his voice disappeared. Go figure. I think he was moving toward purity, angelhood.
Angels from the realms of glory
Stars shone bright above
Royal David's city
Was bathed in the light of love

Jesus Christ was born today
Jesus Christ was born
Jesus Christ was born today
Jesus Christ was born

Lo, they did rejoice
Fine and pure of voice
And the wrong shall fail
And the right prevail

Jesus Christ was born today
Jesus Christ was born
Jesus Christ was born today
Jesus Christ was born

And we're gonna get born now

An excellent companion song/performance: Randy Newman in Rotterdam, 1979: "I Think It's Going to Rain Today" (original album: 1968)
Broken windows and empty hallways
A pale dead moon in the sky streaked with gray
Human kindness is overflowing
And I think it's going to rain today

Scarecrows dressed in the latest styles
With frozen smiles to chase love away
Human kindness is overflowing
And I think it's going to rain today

Lonely, lonely
Tin can at my feet
Think I'll kick it down the street
That's the way to treat a friend

Bright before me the signs implore me
To help the needy and show them the way
Human kindness is overflowing

And I think it's going to rain today

I’ve always included this among the great flawed songs. Why flawed? It’s flat bitter; its irony is callow. (No?) Another example: the Kinks’ “A Well Respected Man” (or “Dandy”). Great song (still magical for me), but it’s something that only a young and haughty whippersnapper would foist upon the world.

–Still…..

Big Star (were never big stars; just great little ones)

Dec 23, 2009

SOCCCD People of the Year

Yesterday, on Red County (Conservative Of The Year), Christian Milord informed readers that the newspaper Human Events has named Dick Cheney its Conservative Of The Year for 2009.

“Conservative of the Year”: evidently, this isn’t like the Time magazine “Man of the Year” title, which has been bestowed on the likes of Hitler and You. Nope, CofY is an honor.

Milord says that Cheney deserves the award, for he’s defended “enhanced interrogation methods” (you know: torture) and he favors free markets (although he does seem to make exceptions for companies with whom he is associated) and limited government (except, I guess, when his crowd is in charge of government).

“Thank you,” says Christian to Dick, “for your great service to America and the cause of Freedom.”

OK. I hereby nominate Raghu P. Mathur for the “really competent and selfless SOCCCD leader who isn’t after money, that’s for sure” award for 2009. Also, I nominate Tom Fuentes for the “Not a rat bastard & doesn’t let politics intrude, plus he’s a true Christian” prize.

These men will long be remembered for their extraordinary achievements. They have attained the extremities of conduct—really they have—and have done so despite the burdens of defective organs and/or faculties.

They truly stand out.

I’m told that the Chancellor looks forward to the award ceremony in January, to be held immediately after the “invocation/moment of silence” of the SOCCCD “Chancellor’s Opening Session.”

We’re looking forward to that day too.

Mr. Fuentes has already commented on his award. During a recent phone interview with Dissent, he displayed his customary likability and warmth, insisting that “others, really, are far more ‘not’ a rat bastard than I will ever be!”

“Yeah, Tom? What about the ‘not letting politics intrude’ part?”

“Ha! The truth is, I let politics intrude all the time. And, by the way, I could be a much better Christian than I am!”

“Yeah? So, should we take the prize back!?”

“Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!”

• Texas Man Says He Found Rat Jaw in Frozen Veggies

Rebel Girl is Baja Bound





See you in the new year!

Dec 22, 2009

Dissent gift idea (dear reader)



IT'S WINDY AND COLD and beautiful up in these mountains—kinda portentous, actually—and so, naturally, I have a suggestion.

Ever hear of the band Love and their 1967 album “Forever Changes” (FC)? No? Well, it’s time you caught up. Better yet, buy the dang album and give it to a friend. Then they can tell you all about it. It’s great. And unique.

For the initial FC sessions, the band, except for leader/singer Arthur Lee, were strung out on heroin, and so few members were present (Neil Young was involved at this stage). But after a few songs were recorded with all the fancy session musicians (including Carol Kaye on the bass), the band realized that, just maybe, they were missing their big chance, and so they straightened up and recorded the album, and quickly too. That’s hard to believe, listening to the album, which is wonderfully well-produced.

For what it’s worth, this psychedelic album, which sold dismally, has always had a stellar critical reputation. New Musical Express rated FC #6 on their greatest albums list. Rolling Stone named it 40th on its list of all-time greatest albums.

All the central players are dead now. Oh well. The music lives on. It sounds great in these crazy-sunny-cold mountains right now. (Uh-oh, I see clouds. They're moving too fast.)

The death part just makes the music sound better. (No Matter What You Do, My Little Red Book, Everybody’s Got To Live)


Some black guys and white guys, makin' psychedelic music together in the 60s


1967: meanwhile, in Detroit....
(Proof that assholes, too, can make great music.)


“Tired and disengaged? –Well, yeah, guess so. Whatever.”

In this morning’s Inside Higher Ed:

Do American Students Bring Down the Curve?
"My Lazy American Students," an op-ed in The Boston Globe, is attracting considerable online debate. The piece – by Kara Miller, who teaches history and rhetoric at Babson College – compares her American and foreign students. "My 'C,' 'D,' and 'F' students this semester are almost exclusively American, while my students from India, China, and Latin America have – despite language barriers – generally written solid papers, excelled on exams, and become valuable class participants," writes Miller. She compares the way her foreign students listen to everything she says, while "[t]oo many 18-year-old Americans, meanwhile, text one another under their desks (certain they are sly enough to go unnoticed), check e-mail, decline to take notes, and appear tired and disengaged." ….

Dec 21, 2009

California Community College ba(t)ch degrees?



A four-year degree from a two-year school? It could happen (Contra Costa Times)
With tens of thousands being turned away from state universities, California lawmakers likely will consider granting community colleges the right to offer a limited number of bachelor's degrees. … Bachelor's and higher degrees are offered by University of California and California State University campuses, while community colleges offer two-year associate degrees and certificates for a variety of professions. … [Assemblyman Marty Block, D-San Diego] said he began considering community college baccalaureates after San Diego State recently closed admissions to local applicants. The decision left many qualified San Diego-area students without a local university option, he said….
Comments

‪Anonymous‬ said...
nooooooooooo!
10:29 AM, December 21, 2009
‪Anonymous‬ said...
Hey, they're already doing it in several states. Get used to it!
10:59 AM, December 21, 2009
‪Anonymous‬ said...
I LIKE the fact that our students move on!
11:02 AM, December 21, 2009
‪Anonymous‬ said...
What good is a degree from anywhere if there isn't a job out there after graduation?
1:51 PM, December 21, 2009
Anonymous said...
And thus the state could cut its cost per bachelor's degree substantially. Neat trick.
6:18 PM, December 21, 2009

Pictured: "Orange Union High School," 1920. Now Chapman U.

Dec 20, 2009

Old Town Irvine


DID YOU KNOW THAT, until the fifties, "Irvine" was Irvine Village, located on Sand Canyon? It was founded as a "hub" by the Irvine Ranch in 1887—when the Santa Fe Railroad came through—and soon included a lima bean warehouse (1895), general store (1911), hotel (1913), blacksmith's shop (1916), and post office. By the mid-60s, the focus had shifted to the new development surrounding UCI, and "Irvine village" became "East Irvine." The new-fangled fools with their planned city to the southwest took the name "Irvine."

"East Irvine" didn't stick, I guess. Today, I dropped by what is now called "Old Town Irvine," the neat product of redevelopment (and some bulldozing) by the city in 1984.
Here's a photo of the warehouse as it appeared in the 40s or 50s:



I took the shot below—of the northeast part of the building, now occupied by Tia Juana's Long Bar—maybe a year or two ago. (See history.)



I'm not sure when this one (below) was taken. It is a shot from the east, about where the 5 meets the toll road nowadays. Observe that we see two long buildings. I suspect that they were joined after the 1984 redevelopment.


You can see that western warehouse(?) below, too:


I'm told—by a friend who once worked in the building—that much of the original (processing?) machinery is preserved and visible inside the west end (at right), now offices. I'll check that out one of these days.
Below: judging by the hairstyles, this pic is, what, from the 1930s?


This shot (below) is from an earlier era, I think. Circa 1910-1920?


The general store, hotel, etc. were restored and moved closer to the warehouse decades ago. The Knowlwood restaurant occupies the old blacksmith's shop.






This appears to be from circa 1920-25. The general store?



The hotel? Circa 1913?


Compare these images with the restorations depicted above.


The east end, about a year ago.



According to La Quinta, the hotel includes "unique rooms built in a lima bean silo."



Pepper tree, across Sand Canyon, near the spot where, I believe, the general store once stood.

For information about the "Old Town" redevelopment project (1984), see city document. "Old town" was first designated "Myford," after James Irvine's son, since the name "Irvine" had already been taken. That was in the 1880s. By 1914, the other Irvine must've dissolved, cuz the name became available; they took it. Hence: "Irvine Village." Then, in 1964, the Irvine Co. needed the name for their UC-centric development to the southwest. "Irvine" or "Irvine Village" became "East Irvine," or "Old Town Irvine." Now, it's pretty much forgotten, except by customers of Tia Juana's Long Bar.

Holiday cat



TigerAnn pretty much does what she wants to do. You can make requests, but she generally ignores them. Luckily, most of what she wants to do is pretty acceptable. Plus she tolerates hugs and kisses and such--up to a point. It cannot be denied that she has settled into a kind of permanent peevishness, although it is combined with a kittenesque inclination to do stuff, keep active, rip around.



Most cats I've known betray at least a hint of solicitousness, unless they're solitary brutes who seek to avoid or destroy humanity. Not TigerAnn. If I'm working on my laptop and she wants attention, she'll climb right on my chest or laptop and plant herself there, as though my interests couldn't possibly matter. It is a remarkable thing. It is marvelous. Sometimes, I try to communicate the existence of my contrary interests, but it is of no use whatsoever. She commences pressing keys, standing on them. Her expression: utter inscrutability.



She is, I think, a tolerant cat. That is, she tolerates me. She does not annoy easily. If I want something from her, she will quietly ignore me, communicating only an utter indifference to my interests. She is, in her mind, rising to the occasion, waiting patiently for me to just go away. She is virtuous.



The infernal feline often looks into the distance, but I have yet to observe her actually offering an opinion or inclination about it. I am vexed.

Ask Miss Fortune!

From Dissent 34, 10/25/99

Dear Miss Fortune:

Enough already! I can handle mass protests in the streets of Belgrade and dissent at the university. I can handle attacks on my strange wife and good-for-nothing son. I can deal with NATO missiles and losing Kosovo. I can even endure international sanctions. But I will absolutely, positively not stand for further comparisons of me in the pages of the Dissent newspaper to that wannabe, Raghu P. Mathur!

President-Slobodon Milosovic

Dear Slo:

At least you understood the comparison. I’m sorry. Really. Nobody deserves what you’ve had to endure. Please, please don’t sue us. By the way, are you aware of the fine Anger Management Counseling programs available through the SOCCCD Employee Assistance Program?



Dear Miss Fortune:

As a God-fearing Christian conservative, I’m writing to explain the difference between “religious” and “religious right.” Easy. If you’re not religious, you’re wrong. If you are religious, you’re right. See? Whenever I’m confused about this, I consult with the local Fine Arts guy who attends our church, which the rest of the week is a community college we’re arranging to buy and rename “Irvine Valley Calvary Chapel (inc.com.edu.)” We’ll have distance learning and corporate sponsors and fun pancake breakfasts and the gym will be perfect for Promisekeeper events. We have big plans for decorating the campus, too. Imagine: Thousands of tiny bright lights strung on all the campus buildings, visible to South County passersby from the 405 freeway. The Fine Arts guy says this is all okay because it’s not political, it’s religious. Right?

Funda Mental

Dear Mental:

God bless you. It’s quite a vexing problem, isn’t it, balancing one’s theocratic impulse with undermining pluralistic secular public education? Myself, I’ve taken to wearing a small button on my lapel, which, writ in small faux gold letters, reads “WWRD?” Whenever I’m feeling confused about matters spiritual or political, I look at my special pin and wonder to myself: “What would Raghu do?” Just repeating this handy mantra makes me feel positive and upbeat, though, oddly, it causes people standing near me to pick up their phones and call their lawyers. For further amplification on spiritual themes, I call the Vice President of Student Services. Although, come to think of it, I know what he would do.

Hey Miss Fortune, You G*d**n *****!

I’m a guy who likes to make threats. Oh, boy, do I love to threaten people. Frighten. Scare. Intimidate. Gee, I use dirty, filthy, horrible language. Sometimes I use such awful, terrible, extraordinarily offensive filthy language that I can’t even read the stuff I write myself! I type it on the keyboard with one hand and have to cover my eyes with the other just so I don’t offend myself. Yes, that’s how awful it is. I’m so nasty that sometimes I e-mail people, sometimes I use the telephone, sometimes I write letters. There’s no method that I haven’t used to do my nasty, awful things. That’s really how horrible a bad, nasty guy I am. So, I was wondering: How can I get a copy of Dissent, ‘cuz my secretary’s cut off my supply?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

Just stop by Raghu’s office. I hear he’s got a secret file just full of ‘em.

Dear Miss Fortune:

I’m the illegally-appointed president of a small community college, thinking positively, bringing people together and spreading the One True Light. Lately, my flock seems upset about discovering my secret files on them and a couple of the arranged marriages are falling apart. A few dark panel trucks with “Accreditation Team” painted on them have just pulled up in front of A-100, but since I’ve had all the phones rerouted through PIO Joyce Kirk’s office (“We’re pleased about all the activities going on in the compound”), few of the Chosen Ones will even know. Besides, now that I’ve had my contract renewed, we can stay holed up here for two more years.

The Appointed One

Dear Wacko:

I’m putting down the phone now. I have Glenn here with me. We’re going to walk, slowly, across the quad and make a swap. You’ll give us the files and the keys to the Greenhouse and we’ll give you Steve. Okay?


DISSENT 46, 3/6/00:

Dear Miss Fortune:

I pulled up the signs and headstones on the lawn. The President ordered me to put them back. Next, I mounted lock boxes on the bulletin boards, then took them down. Finally, I built a $3,000 storage room in the middle of a lobby where I was ordered to hide the photocopy machine, which used to sit in exactly the same place.

I feel oddly like Sisyphus, forced to drag the same stone up a hill, only to have it roll down again, except that I was ordered to mount a plaque on my stone and now I’m supposed to take it off. Will my existential suffering never end?

signed: Maintenance Staff

Dear Staff:

What, you didn’t hear? They’re renaming the library, “The Raghu P. Mathur School Book Depository.” The lawn will now be called the “Grassy Knoll.” I’ll be Jackie, Armando will be Abraham Zapruder. Later, Cedric will be Earl Warren.

Regarding Existentialism, I like to cheer myself up by reminding everybody that, despite the uniqueness and isolation of the individual in a hostile or indifferent universe, you can still get people’s attention by showing them your butt.




Dear Miss Fortune:

I’m flying back to the Fatherland this weekend, where I expect full and speedy recovery from brain damage I suffered while buying a raincoat in London. I understand there may be work for me at IVC.

signed: Augusto

Dear General:

Yes, I think we’ve got a place for you on our winning team. You’ll be a real “feather in our cap.” How does “Director-of-Student-Affairs-For-Life” suit you? With your people skills, talent at stifling dissent, and shiny jackboots, you’ll fit right in. It’ll be like Oktoberfest all year round. Plus, we’ve got one Trustee who’s a really big fan.

Dear Miss Fortune:

It’s me, again, the illegally-appointed president of a small community college, thinking positively, bringing people together and spreading the One True Light.

Meanwhile, the judge threw out my SLAPP suit and now I’ve spent my raise on lawyers’ fees. How can I get the district to cover my losses?

signed: Slapped

Dear Slapped:

I’d ask for another security stipend, but if that doesn’t work, how about this: sue yourself. As President, the district lawyers will be required to defend you. Clever, huh? You lose, you win. I’m sure there’s a down side, but it can’t be any worse than teaching your new pet pit bull “Stipey” how to distinguish the Kate Clark mannequin from the Wendy Phillips one.

Dear Miss Fortune:

I’m responsible for the financial records of the former Faculty Association PAC, which I kept for the longest time in a black box. Now they’re in a pretty red box with balloons and horsies painted on the side. When I wind the little handle, a funny tune plays and, after a while, a happy clown pops up and surprises me with a subpoena. What should I do?

signed: Surprised

Dear Surprised:

I’d put those nasty old records in an old F.A. ballot box, unmarked. That’s the last place anybody’d look.



Dear Miss Fortune:

I recall your brave position opposing “same-sex” marriage in the last trustees election, so maybe you can help me out. Should I vote for Prop 22 because I hate others or just because I hate myself? They’re not like us, are they?

signed: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

You sound kinda existential. Some of my best friends are existential. We had one living next door. Once I dated an existentialist, but I’d never let my daughter marry one. When faced with difficult moral choices, I find it best to follow the example of Raghu Mathur. In that spirit, I’m taking down your name, foolishly included in your return address, photocopying this letter, and handing it out to the whole Board. Federal law, my ass!

Dear Miss Fortune:

I’m so scared to join the union. Somebody might find out. I’m scared to write a letter to the editor because somebody might recognize my name. I’m scared to look a certain untenured Biology teacher in the eyes. And, now I’m being asked by colleagues to speak out like the rest of them at a special meeting on March 9. Help!

signed: Xavier Onassis

Dear Save:

Hey, I like your spirit! You tell your small group of disgruntled faculty colleagues to try showing up at that Thursday, March 9, special board meeting. Yeah, just try. You try and attend that meeting. We haven’t said where it is or what time, so you can try, all right. Hah!

MISS FORTUNE

From Dissent 26, 5/3/99

Dear Miss Fortune:

Remember me? I am the illegally appointed president of a once-esteemed community college whose door is always open. While a teacher and I we were meditating on “divine intervention” and the oneness of all things at a recent IVC Prayer Breakfast, that very teacher (oddly, the only faculty member attending) asked questions of a spiritual nature. When, he wondered, is a faculty breakfast not a faculty breakfast? How can one reconcile with one’s enemies when one’s enemies will not eat flapjacks? And what is the sound of one IVC hand clapping?

—The Amazing Mathurini

Dear Amazing:

The answer to your spiritual questions is, as with all questions, distance learning. Learning from a distance, even of thirty or forty feet, elevates one’s perceptions, tunes one’s consciousness toward peace and away from divisiveness and eliminates anxieties about pesky Accrediting Teams and micromanagement. I therefore suggest you remove yourself to a great distance.

Dear Miss Fortune:

I’ve just chaired my last meeting of the Faculty Association. Whew! All those meetings without ever learning Roberts Rules of Order or the name of that damn orphanage. Now that I’ve got some free time, I had an etiquette question: Which of the union’s credit cards is the correct one to use when the lunch bill at La Ferme totals over a hundred dollars?

—Rather Be Shopping At Nordstrom

Dear Rather:

I am informed that, in an effort to make things easy for everybody, the orphanage’s name has been changed. It will now be called “Sherry and Bob’s Place.” Easy to remember, huh? All residents will, in an ecumenical electronic-virtual-distance-learning ceremony, be rechristened “Sherry” or “Bob” or, in some lucky cases, both. Regarding your use of the SOCCCD F.A. credit card, I think touchy financial matters are best left to the experts, but you might consider holding a community education seminar and invite, say, Charles Keating or Robert Citron.



Dear Miss Fortune:

As editor of the F.A. newsletter, I’m fond of poking fun at people who disagree with my unlikely anti-union positions. Can I be held legally responsible for sending out unauthorized mailings using F.A. letterhead at the expense of union members?

El Rey

Dear El:

Unlike this lousy rag, your newsletter is the official organ of an organized local, authorized to perform collective bargaining. Oddly, the law frowns on poison pen articles and misrepresentations when they stray from the will of the members they putatively represent. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t do something similar: say, send out a mailer exploiting South County voter fear and hatred of homosexuals. Capiche?

Dear Miss Fortune:

The Accrediting Committee arrives soon for its follow-up visit. As interim V.P., I’ve instructed everybody to look busy. Unfortunately, some spoilsports are insisting on meeting with the team. I’m wondering if now might be a good time to announce my plan for a week of Spring activities involving organized distraction and obsequiousness. Monday: President Appreciation Day. Tuesday: Distance Learning Up-Close. Wednesday: Geology is All In Your Head. Thursday: Tour of the President’s Poinsettia Garden. Friday: Health Awareness: The IVC Clap is not a Social Disease.

Shovel Boy

Dear Shovel Boy:

You sure know how to use that thing, dontcha? My only suggestion is that you engage the Trustees in your brilliant Machiavellian plan by adding golf, meditation or pancakes to the program.

—RED EMMA



From Dissent 53, 10/9/00

Dear Miss Fortune: I recently left a high-ranking eleven-year administrative position in Belgrade to spend more time with my family. Little Marko is making new friends here in Moscow and, gosh, Mirjana is already plotting to overthrow the darn government.

I’ve spent a few thoughtful days lately, considering how the decisions I made affected Serbians and running from angry mobs and two guys who say they’re from something called a War Crimes Tribunal. I understand the IVC Foundation is seeking a Director and I hope that you’ll consider me for the position.

Signed:

Slobo M.

Dear Slobo: You’ll fit right in here. Some helpful hints toward securing this coveted position: Change your party affiliation. Enroll in classes at a prestige academic institution, say, Nova Southeastern University. Get yourself on the hiring committee. CC your CV to RM at IVC.

Dear Miss Fortune: I was staffing the Army recruitment table outside the Student Services building, talking to the UPS employment fellow and the nice lady from MasterCard, who was handing out free T-shirts to kids who signed up for a credit card.

We waved and threw brochures over to the Ye Olde Crafts Faire booth. There, a crew of tiny elves assembled handsome figurines of schnauzers dressed as clowns, these lovely statuettes made entirely out of Q-tips, yarn and rhinestones. Two nice young men from the Church of the Holy Townhouse Tabernacle came by, handing out Harvest Crusade literature. We were all havin’ such a great time.

Then, suddenly, a group of IVC faculty and students showed up with a card table and a flag. They said they were there to register voters. Well, I knew they were there to scare away all our business, crowd us out of our designated Free Speech area, and generally put a damper on our good time.

I’m trying to be all I can be, but these folks are treading all over my First Amendment rights. Right?

Signed:

G.I. Joe

Dear Joe: When you’re right, you’re right. I thought I saw you out there, in those short brown pants. Gosh, I love a man in uniform. Speaking of which, have you ever seen Lee W in his Fife and Dumb Corps costume? It makes Miss F want to march to the beat of his big, bad bass drum. Regarding your particular problem, I’d report all suspicious voter activity directly to the district. They seem to have all kinds of Board Policies, just the thought of which gets Miss F Hot.


Dear Miss Fortune: I’m the Chancellor of a community college district up for his contract renewal. If my bosses win the election, I’m guaranteed employment. If they lose, I’ll have to find a new college. Any ideas?

Signed:

Chance

Dear Chance: I’d try to do a mailing with a picture on it of Ronald Reagan riding a horse. Get the taxpayers to pay for it. Alternatively, you might hire the Blue Angels to fly overhead during the next trustees meeting, dropping brochures about free golf and homosexual teachers on the adoring crowds. Or they might crash, offering you an opportunity to foist blame on a small group of disgruntled pilots.

Dear Miss Fortune: It’s me again, the illegally-appointed president of a small community college, thinking positively, bringing people together and spreading the One True Light.

I was sitting in my comfy new chair just the other day, noting on the giant wall-sized graph on my office wall the history of ways my actions affected students. Raising my eyes from the floor, I saw a vision. There, on the wall, was Ronald Reagan’s horse. As if in a beautiful dream, I leaped up and mounted the handsome steed and rode off into the sunset.

Signed:

Visionary

Dear Airy: Reviewing carefully the “Unusual Occurrence” reports forwarded to me by Campus Security, I note one involving a small man seen pushing a leather chair around in the A-100 Building at two in the morning hollering “Giddyup, Evil Empire” and “Whoa, Distance Learning.”

I’m prepared to ignore this episode if you can get another high-level administrator’s secretary to sign off on my recent request to officially rename the Clocktower Quad the “Miss Fortune Urban Park.”




Dear Miss Fortune: I’m confused. What’s all this about “same sex” benefits? I gotta tell you I just don’t see it. My husband and I have been having the same sex for thirty years. You know the problem: It’s all over in less time than it takes the SOCCCD Trustees to violate the Brown Act. I’ve chilled champagne, lit scented candles, put on sexy lingerie, even left copies of Board Policy 8000 lying open on his side of the bed. Nothing seems to work. Help.

Signed:

Frustrated

Dear Fruss: Do what I do, honey. Send out some really filthy campaign literature. One thing that makes a fellow friskier than dirty pictures is dirty tricks. That and a handful of Dilantin. Well, no, actually, that makes you want to drop a bomb on Korea, but that kinda makes this sexy girl hot too.

Dear Miss Fortune: The Boy Scouts can’t take public money to discriminate. God-loving folk can’t pray at a public high school football game. And homosexuals, Jews, and Communists are taking over the SOCCCD Board of Trustees. I go to my weekly Rush Limbaugh meetings and ask my friends for advice. Everybody shakes their dittoheads and laments the passing of the good old days, when the head of the County GOP could run for a pissy little college district seat and win without having to spend $100,000.

When will things be the way they oughta be?

Signed:

In Limbo

Dear Limbo: I don’t know what you’re complaining about. After my recent conversion, I’ve had to meet a whole new group of people at GOP meetings. I used to be a Democrat, albeit a Reagan Democrat, so people keep coming up to me looking for the Mark of the Beast. (FYI: I had it removed with laser therapy.)

Sadly, my new board allies aren’t buying it. As a test of my true allegiance, they’ve agreed to let me stay on the slate if I officially change my name on the ballot. Although I’ve spent a great deal of time developing voter trust in the good Fortune name, I’ve agreed. Note to SOCCCD district voters: Don’t ask, just please, please mark the box that now reads Dorothy Harvest Crusade. God bless.


MF