Once more with the "new Raghu"

A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion says, "Because if I do, I will die too."


The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog.

The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp "Why?"


Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature."

—The Scorpion and the Frog

The first thing I noticed when I arrived this morning at Saddleback’s McKinney Theater for the CHANCELLOR’S OPENING SESSION was that the coffee was decaffeinated. “You’ve got to be kidding,” I said.

I was a little late, and so when I entered the McKinney apiary, Raghu had already started buzzing. He wore one of his expensive suits plus one of those spiffy headset microphones. He seemed chirpy yet somehow vulnerable.

He was really trying. It was hard to watch.

Raghu introduced board president Dave “changer of men” Lang, who yammered about the need for a “discourse of disagreement in a non-threatening environment.” He did this while the chief source if fear in our particular environment—Chancellor Mathur—stood a few yards away, nodding.

It was perfectly absurd.

Raghu then announced that we were in for a “great treat,” namely, a singer accompanied by a pianist. Tustin’s Robbie Britt then mounted the stage and started singing the Star Spangled Banner, with an American flag projected on the screen behind him.

I was sitting up front—I could count his teeth. So I got the full sonic blast. This Britt fellow is obviously used to warbling in stadiums, cuz he boomed. Not only that, but he gesticulated extravagantly, as though he intended for his expressions to be seen even way out in the cheap seats.

When he finished with the SSB, he boomed forth Irving Berlin’s “America,” in which he added a spoken aside: “America, I love you, America.” I think maybe he’s in some kind of recovery program.

[For info about Britt, go to Robbie Britt Ministries. Among Britt's associates: Robert Shuller and "faith healer" Benny Hinn!]

The pianist, a lady in her seventies, twinkled at me. Meanwhile, Britt directed his singing to an empty spot on the stage to his right. I think one of those flag pins fell off him. I studied Britt's shoes.

When Britt finished, Raghu was clearly moved. “What a team and what a voice! So inspirational!” said Mr. Goo with evident sincerity.


Eventually, Raghu offered some “brief remarks,” in which he focused on two words in our latest mission statement: “diverse” and “dynamic.” For him, said Raghu, diversity is about ideas. Blah blah blah. Plus we must be dynamic. He blathered about “the kind of dynamism that comes from…change.”

The poor fellow was saying that change comes from change. He must have a doctorate or something.

dynamic: Characterized by continuous change

--American Heritage College Dictionary

Raghu trotted out the standard suspect factoids concerning the impact of our district on the county’s economy: citizens of the county get a 17% return on their investment; we generate “1.7 billion dollars” in income. And so on.

He asked President McCullough to stand up. “This is the person,” he explained, “who assists me in providing leadership at Saddleback College.” It was a motif. He said the same thing about President Roquemore and then Park Ranger Kopecky. His assistants.

I bet those guys were pissed. I mean, wasn’t Mr. Goo saying that he, Goo, and not they, provide the leadership around here?

Eventually, we heard from guest speaker Lucy Dunn, the President of the Orange County Business Council. (I looked her up. She’s an active Republican.) A lively and friendly speaker, she explained about the Business Council, which is a kind of meta-Chamber of Commerce.

She explained that Orange County is amazing, commerce-wise. The OC is comparable to the country of Ireland, evidently.

After Dunn finished, the new administrative hire, Andrea Serban, who is very funny, introduced Dr. Warren Johnston, who is also very funny. Johnston focused on the impact of cardiovascular disease, especially on women.

The fellow ended his often hilarious talk with a somewhat outré illustration of men’s lives before and after marriage. This consisted of a picture of a lion humping a lioness—followed by a picture of a lioness apparently intimidating her large but cowering mate. The crowd ate it up. I thought that I had died and gone to my parents' house.

Then we heard from Kathleen Rigol, a nutritionist/dietician who assists obese people before and after bariatric surgery. I think she said that, if you eat one of those "6 dollar burgers" at Karl's Jr., you're likely to die later in the day.

I wonder if she knows that that very burger is the OC Business Council's official nasch!

The crooner and his accompanist came back for two more songs, starting with Louis Armstrong’s “A Wonderful World.” Britt's singing reminded me of Paul Robeson’s, but his movements resembled those of a spasmatic gymnast. A couple of times, I thought he was gonna twirl right off the stage. He sure can sing, though.

Next came the awarding of pins for years of service. I’ve never understood this pin business. I mean, hangin’ around for X years isn’t an achievement, is it? Why not award pins for how many lunches we've eaten? Or how many cars we've owned? So when Raghu finally got to the crew of 20-year faculty, of which I am a member, I ducked out. Whew!

I noticed that Walter Floser was among the 25-year people: I watched him wander up to the stage. He seemed lost. I bet that, later, in the dark, he ate his pin.

Bob Myers got a standing O for his 35 years of service, as did the President of Saddleback College, Rich M. Jeez, people really like that guy. How come he isn’t the Chancellor?


Raghu’s largely successful OPENING SESSION then ended with a slide show that featured beautiful shots of nature marred by ridiculous “inspirational” slogans, including:

Plan for tomorrow
but live for today

And

Life is a drawing
without an eraser

These images were accompanied by a stirring pop song. I spotted Raghu grooving to the beat. In all honesty, I felt sorry for the guy. He can do no better than he does.

Listen, it’s clear that, once again, Raghu is attempting to be kinder and gentler. —Or less preachy. —Or less of a bastard. Or whatever.

But Raghu is what he is.

Like that scorpion.