Dissent the Blog: Tom Fuentes at 34: "consultant"

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Tom Fuentes at 34: "consultant"

by Roy Bauer

Part 1:

Caspers: disappeared in 1974

2 comments:

Anonymous said...: Really? They never found his body?; 1:03 PM, October 09, 2010
Anonymous said...: Does anyone actually like Tom Fuentes? Is there anyone who doesn't hate him?; 11:37 AM, October 11, 2010

How accreditation works

¶ Here’s how accreditation works. Your college labors to compose a self-study that’s dutifully written according to the Clueless Educationist Style Sheet, which is guaranteed to produce prose that impresses Paranormal Fans and fifth graders but that sends all literate people into paroxysms of laughter or dismay. Then the Accreds show up, go off to dark corners, and talk to everybody, including every crank and jackass within miles; next, after shaking their heads and making glum academic faces, the Accreds go home and get bitch slapped awhile by Babs Beno. That process ultimately yields a report that slams the college for not having enough “student learning outcomes” imbedded in its “mission statement” or in the seats of the new Performing Arts/Soccer Center—or for a failure to pursue digital delivery rubrics and co-curricular, asynaptic assessments. –Something like that.

¶ Yeah, then the college gnashes its teeth and wails for like six months, spiraling into an institutional depression; next, it labors mightily (and earnestly) to compose a follow-up report, which ‘splains how the college is taking all the accreds’ semi-confused criticisms super-seriously and running “at least” fifteen new committees to ensure that everybody’s on board with the “process,” which yields “do tasks,” which, naturally, are ugly and unrecognizable as anything any sensible person would ever do. College leaders sign it with their own blood and collapse into another corner. More tears. Everybody frets, muttering, “remember Compton.”

¶ So, anyway, accreditation self-study and follow-up reports often end up being perverse and artificial monstrosities, full of Orwellian creepoid verbulosity plus profound self-deception—and a dollop of flat dishonesty. I mean, if the Accreds show up and say that you’ve got yourself a nasty “plague of despair,” then you don’t do something sensible, like fire the source of said despair—usually a Chancellor or President or Vice President (or Board, but you can’t fire those people). No. Not in Accred World. Instead, you set up a committee to concoct “rules of civility,” such as, “smile and say ‘howdy do’!” or “respect all others and honor their feelings, even if they’re psychotic, and then draw a hand and tape it to your back.” (Patting yourself on the back. Get it?) –Stuff like that.

¶ Yeah, and when the Accreds tag you for the hideously unhealthy relationship between groups A and B, but then things change and so A and B are now, like, dating or something—and, in the meantime, C grows to fear and loathe B, threatening districtular collapse.... –Well, in that case, you make up some crap about how you’re “taking vigorous steps” to get A and B together. But, natch, you just let the C and B vexation fester beyond all recognition, cuz it's not relevant to the present accredular demands.

¶ Yeah, that’s the ol’ accreditation do-si-do. It’s very processular. It’s, um, measurable and, uh, based on factoidal and empirical data (probably pulled out of somebody’s a**).

¶ With that in mind,

• If it were MY NEIGHBOR'S COOL BOXSTER, a college’s accreditation report would probably look something like this:

• If it were KEN KESEY'S BUS, a college’s accreditation report would probably look something like this:

• If it were MY BRO'S ULTRA-UTILITARIAN COROLLA, a college’s accreditation report would probably look something like this:

• If it were an old silver DUNE BUGGY, a college’s accreditation report would probably look something like this:

• If it were a SEXY RED FERRARI, a college’s accreditation report would probably look something like this:

• If it were a SLEEK AND AGILE TEN-SPEED BIKE, a college’s accreditation report would probably look something like this:

• If it were SOME PUNK KID HANGIN' IN THE LIBRARY, a college’s accreditation report would probably look something like this:

• If it were A PAIR OF SENNHEISER HD 800 HEADPHONES, a college’s accreditation report would probably look something like this:

ETC.

Teaching as a clean, well-lighted place

¶ Rebel Girl has taught Thursday nights at the college for almost all her nineteen years here: a fiction workshop which attracts the usual students looking for a few transferable credits and the unusual, those dedicated to a certain art, a craft: writing. Some already have degrees, some do not. Those students, those Thursday night regulars, who enroll again and again until forbidden by regulations, form bonds. Some of them become lifelong friends, and Rebel Girl follows them as they move on, continue to write, go to grad school, publish, fall in love, marry, fall out of love, have children, face one crisis or joy after another...

¶ One of those students died last week and Rebel Girl thought of him all this long cool rainy weekend which found her observing the end of Dia de Los Muertos in Santa Ana and tending her own altar at home, a little overcrowded this year by recent departures, none as heartbreaking as her student.

¶ Rebel Girl can still see his font choice: the old school typewriter block letters of a Courier style, his name, first and last, in the upper left corner and the story that followed it below, the shapes of the paragraphs, the openness of each word, sentence. She was never disappointed by the stories he wrote. They were always worth her time and everyone else's. Something was always at stake. The workshop always cared about his characters and what they would do. The workshop rooted for his characters even if they failed.

¶ And he, he always cared about the workshop's stories too. Not everyone does, but he did.

¶ Rebel Girl never saw the demons that his other friends have referred to in recent days. She thinks she didn't because when she saw him, when the student walked into the modest institutional college classroom, brightly lit and too chilly from the dark night outside and entered the workshop's clean well-lighted place, (a story he must have read with the workshop once, twice, perhaps three times), when he became not a stranger but a fellow writer, student, when the class made their own warmth around the tables they pushed together, when they sat there and read and listened, spoke and shared, what the class and Rebel Girl saw of him was perhaps him at his best, who he wanted to be. Any demons were left outside.

¶ Whenever he came into the room, joined the circle, he was welcomed, warmly, for who he was, for who he was with us. As Rebel Girl mourns him, she is comforted by remembering this. This is what she tells the other students as she sends emails, makes telephone calls. We were there for him. We always welcomed him. We saw what was good in him and told him so, again and again.

¶ Rebel Girl doesn't know where people came from before class or what they go home to. Sometimes she learns, sometimes she does not. She understands now that for this student there was pain, grief, an unbearable loss.

¶ In the Hemingway story, two waiters, one young, one old, observe an old man while they finish their night shift in a café. It is one of Hemingway's Spanish stories and the language moves smoothly between English and Spanish. The old man drinks too much. The old man, it is said, tried to kill himself. The younger waiter is impatient with the old man, the older waiter less so. At the end of the story, the old man shuffles off, the younger waiter goes home to his wife waiting in bed and the older waiter says farewell:

¶ "Good night," the other said. Turning off the electric light he continued the conversation with himself. It was the light of course but it is necessary that the place be clean and pleasant. You do not want music. Certainly you do not want music. Nor can you stand before a bar with dignity although that is all that is provided for these hours. What did he fear? It was not a fear or dread, It was a nothing that he knew too well. It was all a nothing and a man was a nothing too. It was only that and light was all it needed and a certain cleanness and order. Some lived in it and never felt it but he knew it all was nada y pues nada y nada y pues nada. Ournada who art in nada, nadabe thy name thy kingdomnada thy will be nada innada as it is in nada. Give us this nadaour dailynada andnada us ournada as wenada ournadas andnada us not into nada but deliver us from nada;pues nada. Hail nothing full of nothing, nothing is with thee. He smiled and stood before a bar with a shining steam pressure coffee machine.

"What's yours?" asked the barman.

"Nada."

"Otro loco mas," said the barman and turned away.

"A little cup," said the waiter.

The barman poured it for him.

"The light is very bright and pleasant but the bar is unpolished," the waiter said.

The barman looked at him but did not answer. It was too late at night for conversation.

"You want anothercopita?" the barman asked.

"No, thank you," said the waiter and went out. He disliked bars and bodegas. A clean, well-lighted cafe was a very different thing. Now, without thinking further, he would go home to his room. He would lie in the bed and finally, with daylight, he would go to sleep. After all, he said to himself, it's probably only insomnia. Many must have it.

Saddleback College ain't no Concordia U, I guess

¶ This morning, I came across an article in the Concordia University (of Irvine) school newspaper, the Courier, regarding controversial San Juan Capistrano City Councilman and Saddleback College Political Science instructor Derek Reeve's departure from CU. (See Adjunct prof. no longer employed at Concordia; Concordia Courier, Oct. 11; by Stephen Puls, editor-in-chief.)

¶ As you know, Reeve has been accused of serial plagiarism but has denied the charge, despite overwhelming evidence that he did in fact present work that was written by others as if it were his own.

¶ Though it is nearly two weeks old, the article provides clarifying details concerning Reeve’s departure from Concordia that have not been reported in the (non-Concordia) press.

¶ (Note: the subsequent edition [Oct. 25] of the Courier makes no mention of the Reeve affair.)

¶ The article explains that “Reeve was serving as the instructor for both American Government and Comparative Political Systems [at Concordia] this fall. Doctors Adam Francisco and Daniel van Voorhis, Professors of History, will assume leadership of these classes for the remainder of the semester.”

¶ It reports (or opines) that “Concordia holds strong to its policy of academic honesty as a means to push students towards independent thinking and resourcefulness. It specifically states that students, as well as faculty, are expected to maintain the highest standards of academic integrity, holding true to commands regarding honesty in Scripture.”

¶ Further, it quotes a statement released by Dr. Mary Scott, Provost: “The university expects all members of the campus community to follow accepted, legal policies in matters of academic honesty.” The Courier implies that Scott's statement was released re Reeve's departure in particular.

¶ Assuming the Concordia Courier is reporting accurately, it seems clear that Mr. Reeve’s adventures in plagiarism (or perhaps his refusal to acknowledge that his posting of others' writings as his own [on Patch] constituted plagiarism) are indeed the cause of his departure from Concordia.

¶ Reporter Stephen Puls also reports that “University policy regarding academic integrity is placed at the beginning of the syllabus for every course.”

¶ MEANWHILE, the evidence suggests that Saddleback College has taken no action with regard to Reeve's plagiarism, despite Reeve's apparent failure to understand the concept of plagiarism combined with his obligation, as an instructor at Saddleback, to uphold the college's prohibition against student plagiarism in his classes.

¶ His name continues to appear on the Schedule of Classes for the Spring semester. As far as I know, he continues to teach at Saddleback this (fall) semester.

¶ As far as I know, there is no truth whatsoever to the rumor that Saddleback College has issued a press release regarding the Reeve affair, declaring that “Saddleback College doesn’t really care if all members of the campus community follow accepted, legal policies in matters of academic honesty.”

Money talks; big money talks bigger

¶ Nothing new here. Still: fellow instructors, you might want to read Big Money Talks (pdf), a 2010 report of the California Fair Political Practices Commission, which lists fifteen entities that, all together in a ten year period (starting January 1, 2000), spent $1 billion “on candidates, ballot measures and lobbying to influence the outcome of governmental decisions in California” (p. 4).

¶ On top of the list, as expected, is the California Teachers Association (CTA), of which our own SOCCCD Faculty Association is a chapter. (“Of the 15 identified groups, six are corporations, three are Indian tribes, two are labor unions and four are business associations.” P. 4)

¶ CTA spent nearly twice the amount of the second biggest spender on the list, the California State Council of Service Employees (a close third: the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America).

¶ As you know, teachers unions are widely viewed as the greatest obstacles to education reform in the nation’s K-12 systems. It seems to me that anger toward such organizations as CTA is growing among the electorate.

California Community College Locals and Contracts -- Shows all CTA (NEA) affiliates, CFT (AFT) affiliates, and affiliates of the CCI (The California Community College Independents) among California community colleges. ¶ California Teachers Association (CTA) an affiliate of the NEA ¶ Community College Association -- (CCA) The community college division of the CTA (NEA) ¶ California Federation of Teachers(CFT) an affiliate of the AFT ¶ Community College Council -- (CCC) The community college division of the CFT (AFT) ¶ California Community College Independents (CCCI)

27 CCC/CFT/AFT chapters

44 CCA/CTA/NEA chapters

12 CCCI/Independent chapters

(Note: five chapters are for part-timers only)

¶ My own view (still forming, actually) is that, for both principled and practical reasons, we should separate from the CTA.

¶ CFT (and AFT) is probably less problematic (than CCA/CTA/NEA).

¶ But there's a problem: it appears that the (CTA's) CCA and the (CFT's) CCC are merging, something that's been in the works for some time:

Merger talks between CCA and CCC progress (CTA publication)

¶ What about CCCI? As you can see above, CCCI comprises about a dozen chapters among California community colleges.

Legos® Valley Community College

Solving "real-world problems" with Legos®

Believe it or not, Irvine Valley College® is an actual college. It has always struck me as odd that IVC is best known for hosting such decidedly non-collegiate (i.e., adolescent or prepubescent) and noisy events as the "Astounding Inventions" thing. The latter entails a yearly invasion of wise-crackular, gizmo-clutching urchins, some of whom end up on the Tonight Show, bein' cute and funny, thereby promulgating the notion that IVC is seriously kid friendly, like a kind of Irvinian Disneyland, but without Mickey or Goofy or Clock Towers.

So the IVC "brand" already tends towards a kind of "It's a Small World" vibe. But now we learn (at the IVC website) that IVC leadership have decided to cement the college's Romper Roomian reputation in Super Glue, cuz, through their efforts, the "First® Lego® League Qualifying Tournament" will be held at the campus on Sunday, the 13th!

No doubt we'll get lots of press.

According to a flier available at the college website, “each year, FLL identifies a real world problem that today’s scientists and engineers are trying to solve” (see flier).

I'm not sure what this year's "problem" is. I provide a suggestion above.

At one recent "Astounding Inventions" event, an IVC Chem instructor taught the children how to whip up C4 in their bathtubs. ("Listen, we all know they're gonna try an' make the stuff. They may as well do it right.")*

Irvine Valley College's coveted "Do-Bee" Scholarship Button (Winners also get 250 bucks plus a jumbo jar of Cosgrove Honey) *

Typical "astounding" inventor : "My helmet--plus ducking and covering--will save you from the atomic bomb."*†

At IVC, delightful and infantile blue and white balloons are flown at the drop of a hat. Sometimes, "bouncy houses" can be found in the playground in front of the Student Services Bldg. I enjoy watching the students bounce idiotically.

At IVC, it is not unheard of for an instructor to send a student to a corner for a "time-out."*

One time, for some kind of "multicultural" event, officials provided a showing of "The King and I." (Oh, that's a different issue. Sorry.)

*Tea Partiers: here, I'm just kidding, OK? Send all complaints to IVC administration. All non-asterisked examples are quite real, however.

†Actually, this urchin's invention is "The Human Lightning Catcher"

It's a small IVC after all

Craig Justice: star of the silver (and black) screen

Administrator noir

¶ There's just no getting around it. Throughout his career, current Irvine Valley College VPI Craig Justice has been a distinctly "noir" kinda guy....

¶ ...Think "Craig Justice" and, right away, you think "hard boiled" and "cynical" and "dark." Golly.

¶ [Quotation:] Film Noir (literally 'black film or cinema') was coined by French film critics … who noticed the trend of how 'dark', downbeat and black the looks and themes were of many American crime and detective films released in France to theatres following the war, such as The Maltese Falcon (1941), Murder, My Sweet (1944), Double Indemnity (1944), The Woman in the Window (1944), and Laura (1944) ... Fear, mistrust, bleakness, loss of innocence, despair and paranoia are readily evident in noir…. (Tim Dirks)

Here's Craig in what is arguably his most familiar role—as the natty giggling psychopath in Kiss me, Death! God, he was wonderful in that. The part when he shoves that old woman down the stairs still gives me chills.

And who could ever forget him as Herman "Finger" Cain's duplicitous consigliere in The Godfather? The man is plainly born to play these parts.

Here he is as Spiv Eddy in the otherwise forgettable Night Bastards 'n Shades.

That one was a real stinker. They can't all be good, I guess.

Craig as the immortal "Weepy-Boy Santos" in They Drive at Night. (He's the one driving and weeping.)

Next week: Craig & Kumar's Novato Adventure

Who Don Wagner represents

¶ Assemblyman—and former SOCCCD trustee—Don Wagner, and no one else, is announcing that “the Civil Justice Association of California [CJAC] has awarded him its Civil Justice Leadership Award for the 2011-2012 legislative session.”

¶ Sounds pretty impressive.

¶ Says Don, "I am honored to be receiving this prestigious award. It has been my goal as a legislator to ensure the civil justice system in California continues to be as fair as possible, and will continue to make sure future laws reflect that."

¶ Yeah, fairness. That's what Don's all about.

¶ OK, but what are the CJAC all about? Just who is this Civil Justice Association of California?

¶ Well, according to their website, here’s what they do: “CJAC works to reduce the excessive and unwarranted litigation that increases business and government expenses, discourages innovation, and drives up the cost of goods and services for all Californians.”

¶ And who are CJAC? No doubt they are folks who represent the little people--ordinary citizens who love innovation and prefer cheap goods and services.

¶ Well, no. According to the site, the CJAC board comprises the following:

Allstate Insurance Company, Altria Corporate Services, Inc., American Council of Engineering Companies, American Insurance Association, American International Group, Inc., Amgen, Inc., Anthem Blue Cross of California, Apple Computer, Inc., Association of California Insurance Companies, AT&T Inc., Bank of America, Bayer HealthCare, BP, Bristol-Myers Squibb Company, California Apartment Association, California Association of Realtors, California Building Industry Association, CalChamber, California Farm Bureau Federation, California Hospital Association, California State Association of Counties, Caterpillar Inc., Chevron Corporation, CNA Insurance Companies, Cooperative of American Physicians, Inc., ExxonMobil Corporation, Farmers Insurance Group, Fireman’s Fund Insurance Company, Ford Motor Company, General Electric Company, Georgia-Pacific, GlaxoSmithKline, Greenberg Traurig, Hewlett-Packard Company, Intel Corporation, JPMorgan Chase, Johnson & Johnson, Kaiser Foundation Health Plan, League of California Cities, Liberty Mutual Insurance Group, LyondellBasell Industries, Nielsen, Merksamer, Parrinello, Mueller & Naylor, Oracle Corporation, Pacific Life Insurance Company, Pfizer Inc., Pharmaceutical Research & Manufacturers of America, Sempra Energy, Shell Oil Company, Southern California Edison, State Farm Insurance Companies, The Accountants Coalition, The Dentists Insurance Company, The Doctors Company, The Dow Chemical Company, The Flanigan Law Firm, The Hartford, The Irvine Company, The Travelers Indemnity Company, United Services Auto Association, Wells Fargo Bank

¶ Golly! That's a pretty comprehensive list of big business in this state. Clearly, if the CJAC were to have an accurately descriptive name, it would be something like "California Corporations that Hate to be Sued."

Tool

¶ "Fairness" my ass. CJAC comprises mostly the big and the powerful. They know how to get what they want. And what they want is profit and more profit.

¶ Don's their man, I guess. He's more their man than any other man is their man.

¶ I can just imagine the phone call:

CJAC: Hey, Don boy! How’d you like to be this year’s winner of our Civil Justice Leadership Award!

Don: Gosh, I dunno. If you give me that, I may as well wear a sign that says “tool of corporate America”!

CJAC: the people who’ll see it that way already know you’re a tool, Don! –Just kidding, boy!

Don: Yeah?

CJAC: Sure. Listen, the rubes back home will think it’s for real. That’s all that matters.

Don: OK, I'm your man. But tell me: how far down the list did you have to go?

CJAC: Hahahaha!

¶ According to Maplight, here were Don's top contributors in 2009-2010 (I couldn't find more recent data): see. (One contributor: Fieldstead.)

¶ You know who "Fieldstead" is, right? It's Howard Ahmanson, Jr. You remember him. Ahmanson's mentor thought that homosexuals should be stoned to death. Yeah. Ahmanson provided the start-up money for Tustin's Education Alliance, on whose board Don sits. He's pretty special.

Wikipedia notes that, in recent years, Ahmanson has labored to moderate his image:

Ahmanson is reported to have "never supported his mentor's calls for the death penalty for homosexuals"; instead, as the Orange County Register reported in 2004, he "no longer consider[s] [it] essential" to stone people who are deemed to have committed certain immoral acts. Ahmanson also told the Register, "It would still be a little hard to say that if one stumbled on a country that was doing that, that it is inherently immoral, to stone people for these things. But I don't think it's at all a necessity."

¶ He sounds like a swell guy. I'm not surprised that Don is his pal.

¶ See also VoteSmart & FollowTheMoney, where we learn that Glenn Roquemore and Bill Hewitt have contributed to Don’s campaigns. Also James Vogt, the key attorney for the SOCCCD in Westphal v. Wagner, IVC instructor Ron Ellison, the notorious Michael Schroeder, Richard Tait (Fuentes’ old boss), Steve Frogue, Marcia Milchiker, Todd Burnett, David Hunt of GKK Works, Bob Cosgrove, Bill Jay, and John Williams.

The case of the sexually harassing painting (Ten years ago)

What I did on my summer vacation —Or: One thing all this misery is good for

by Rebel Girl

During the summer, Rebel Girl transforms herself from a meek and mild English Professor into a meek and mild mid-level* administrator at one of the country’s most prestigious writing conferences. She xeroxes, she collates, she answers phones, she picks up famous writers at the Reno airport, and she soothes the egos of nervous would-be writers far from home. Plus she stacks and unstacks those ubiquitous molded plastic chairs, a task that takes on Sisyphean dimensions as the summer wears on. But she’s happy. Really. The conference allows her to be a student again, to listen and to learn. In turn, her own writing (she hopes) strengthens and her teaching does as well. Each year, she returns from the High Sierra refreshed and ready to rock. [*RG became "high-level" years ago. Right now, she's working on a collection of writings on OC by well-known authors, et al. —RB]

From time to time during the summer, Rebel Girl finds herself sitting next to or standing near one or more leading literary luminaries. Yes, part of the writing conference scene is those parties you’ve no doubt heard about, the ones where writers gather and chat, dropping names, telling tales, comparing advances and editors. The wine flows and the metaphors do too.

Now Rebel Girl, for all her attitude in print, is, by nature, a shy girl. It’s true. Indeed, if Rebel Girl had followed another path, if she had lived the vida loca, the bruise-colored tattoo scrolling across her left shoulder blade might very well have read Shy Girl instead of English Major. But that’s another story.

At these soirées, Rebel Girl does her best to do very little, except perhaps, eat. Her goal is a low, well-fed, profile. Still, from time to time she is pressed to speak, to say something, anything, to the person standing next to her—just for the sake of simple cocktail party courtesy. In the past, this resulted in Rebel Girl telling people what they already know. Boring—boring to the particular guest, boring to Rebel Girl, an embarrassingly dull moment for everyone within ear shot. These people are writers, after all—Pulitzer Prize winners, National Book award nominees, former poet laureates. They care about language and content. So when Rebel Girl burbles something about the weather (Hot, isn’t it?) or, even worse, something about the writer or his or her work (Did you know an excerpt from The Joy Luck Club appears in a textbook I use for my composition class?), she feels the disappointment rise. People expect better.

This year, Rebel Girl vowed to do better. She vowed to be rude, to remain silent if necessary, anything to avoid hearing herself brightly observe the air temperature. I will not speak, she told herself, unless I can say something significantly engaging. After all, she’d 1istened in long enough to know what these folks really enjoyed was a good story, not a weather report.

So it happened that there she was, sipping a gin and tonic next to a writer whom Michiko Kakutani of the New York Times has called, “one of his generation’s most eloquent voices.” Rebel Girl nodded, she smiled, she sipped, but she said nothing. What could she say? “Just what does that Pulitzer Prize look like? Where do you keep it?”

Finally, Mr. Famous Writer said something. “I hear you teach at a community college,” he said in his gentle drawl. “What’s that like?”

She hesitated. She wanted to be careful. She sensed that her favorite subject, the sad level of literacy of the average student, however compelling, might not appeal to this gentleman of letters. Nor would course load or composition theory. What he really wanted, she reminded herself, was a story. A good story, one with characters and conflict, with something important at stake. She recalled the email she’d received just that morning from one of her colleagues. It detailed the latest outrages and included the text of recent news articles. The little college in the orange groves was still making headlines, even in the summer.

“Well....” she began. She described a painting that had hung innocently enough in the school office since she was hired, some seven years ago. Painted by an adjunct faculty member, the painting in question depicted two bathing suit clad women lounging in a shallow pool of water. She’d always thought the painting was about the effects of sunlight on water, the bodies providing a means to measure it. But what did she know? The new interim dean (—Interim dean number 2 by her count; did she mention that her district had been going through, uh, an administrative upheaval on par with President Nixon’s Saturday Night Massacre?), a gentlemen with multiple degrees, including a J.D., had, after a few days of contemplation, ordered the painting taken down. It constituted potential sexual harassment, he declared. He didn’t know much about art but he was a lawyer and he knew sexual harassment when he saw it. To her credit, the school secretary refused to remove the painting. Interim Dean 2 did it himself.

The famous writer was incredulous. “The painting,” he repeated, to make sure he got it right, “was sexually harassing people?”

“Apparently so,” she said.

“Was the dean acting on a complaint?”

“Apparently not. Unless,” she added, to be fair, “it was his own.”

“Amazing,” he said.

She agreed. “But that’s not all that’s been taken down,” she went on. Rebel Girl elaborated on another story that had also reached her that morning. Faculty had until August 8th, to remove any material posted on their office doors, windows or painted surfaces within their offices. If faculty didn’t remove material by that date, the material would be removed for them.

“Is this also about sexual harassment?” asked Mr. Pulitzer Prize.

“No,” she said, “it’s about worker harassment and the First Amendment. It’s about what they try to get away with when they think no one’s looking.”

“What are you going to do?” he asked.

“What we’ve been doing for the past two, three years,” Rebel Girl said. “Resist.”

“Tell me more,” the writer said, settling back into the easy chair. “Sounds like quite a story.”

The evening had just begun. There were so many stories to tell. The Purloined Poinsettia. The Michael Collins Piper Caper. The Clocktower Incident. The Case of the Homophobic Flyer. The Mystery of the Disappearing School Chairs. The Secret Life of George Kadar, Friend of Frogue and Fighter for White Power. The Jinx of the IVC Clap. The Crop Circles in the Orange Groves. —Oops, wrong story.

Dear Readers: Flash-forward a few years. Michiko Kakutani interviews the aforementioned author about his latest novel. “Your use of a community college as metaphor for the state of the union is magnificent,” she gushes. “It has everything: power-hungry politicans, Machiavellian administrators, conspiracy theorists, opportunistic players, phony populism—plus a plot that rivals Les Liasones Dangereux. At the beginning of the new millennium, your new novel sends a powerful message about the misguided priorities of America’s leaders. Tell me, where on earth did you get the idea?”

*Note: Not unlike Ronald Reagan’s latest biographer, Rebel Girl has taken some creative liberties in her dramatization of the preceding encounter. Still, its essence is true. It did happen. The characters, though unbelievable, are real. Rebel Girl, like myself, is a real person. Our pain, fellow workers, was indeed felt by one of the country’s leading authors, modest compensation for the neglect by much of our community. –RG

The "Clocktower" incident, 1998

Rebel Girl Says: “Basta!”—Or Tales of “Bad” Behavior and Nobel Prize Winners

by Rebel Girl (Dissent 14, 12/15/98)

Rebel Girl knows a demonstration when she sees one. And at 1:30, on Thursday December 3, Rebel Girl saw one at Irvine Valley College. All parties involved stood in the shadow of the IVC clock tower, in an odd snake-like formation, beginning at the perimeter of the A-Quad and leading to the large floor to ceiling tinted window of the august IVC presidential office in nearby A-100.

Rebel Girl knows that every demonstration needs props (related to propaganda, from the Latin for propagate or to spread)—how else to communicate a message to the masses? So while concerned faculty and staff arranged themselves in an impressive conga line, Rebel Girl ran to her faculty office and located a half-sheet of poster board stashed between the wall and a bookcase for just such an occasion. The placard was, she decided, large enough for just one word. But, she wondered, what single word would best communicate the nature of the crisis? Granted, one particular event had galvanized the crowd forming outside the President’s office window, but the incident had not occurred in a vacuum. No. During the last months, indeed the last week, conditions at the little college in the shrinking orange groves had worsened. Withheld accreditation reports, reprimands, curious summonings of a select few for Presidential audiences and now, a rumored transfer of beloved staff member. What single word would best capture both the current miscarriage and the parade of past injustice?

That was a tough one.

Rebel Girl is a seasoned veteran of demonstrations. She cut her activist teeth in the 80’s, when Ronald Reagan championed “constructive engagement” with South Africa and Rebel Girl learned how to spell “Apartheid” and “Free Mandela” and was a regular, if unwelcome, visitor to the South African embassy, located on Wilshire Blvd in Los Angeles. She marched, she chanted, she sat down, she stood in groups. Together with a lot of other people, she made noisy demands. Free Mandela. Free South Africa. She was told, by many people, that none of this made any difference. By President Bonzo. By the media. By her family. Indeed, she was informed, not only was her behavior foolish, it was embarrassing, uncivil, extreme. It would amount to nothing.

But Rebel Girl knew her history.

Thirty years earlier, another black man languished in jail. Rebel Girl read the letter he composed during his incarceration. It was written in response to criticism received from his colleagues, fellow clergymen who did not approve of the activities that had landed him in jail. The critics called his actions “unwise and untimely.” They deplored the campaign of demonstrations and marches he led. They asked the question, “Isn’t negotiation a better path?” They counseled “patience” and “moderation.”

The jailed letter writer pointed out that his critics deplored the demonstrations taking place—but not the conditions that brought them about. He answered the questions “Why direct action? Why not negotiation?” by pointing out negotiation is “the very purpose of direct action.” Indeed such action “seeks to create such a crisis and foster such a tension that a community which has constantly refused to negotiate is forced to confront the issue. It seeks to dramatize the issue that it can no longer be ignored.”

Then, in 1990, Rebel Girl was part of the audience that greeted a recently freed Nelson Mandela in the LA Coliseum. Had her actions, her noisy and outrageous demands, and the same behavior by others across the globe made a difference? Nelson Mandela himself said they had, citing the student movement in Los Angeles for special recognition.

Years later, in her cluttered office, the crowd of tension makers outside growing by the minute, Rebel Girl decided what exact word would serve. Six letters, plus the ubiquitous exclamation point. Rebel Girl, an English professor, generally frowns on overuse of exclamation points. The practice is, she feels, often used to make an argument more convincing or to add force to a weak statement (witness the recent spate of exclamatory official emails clogging our virtual mailboxes). Rebel Girl agrees with her associates in the English department that emphasis is better provided through word choice, sentence structure and reasoning. However this occasion was, after all, a demonstration, or as they say below the US border, a manifestacion, a term Rebel Girl thinks is a more accurate description of the true spirit of the activity. In such cases, deploying exclamation points is appropriate.

Finished, she returned to the clock tower picket with her sign. It was well received and passed along from one hand to another until it reached the window glass, where it was pressed so all inside could see it. Our message? Enough!

Rebel Girl invokes the proud legacy of direct action, of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Nelson Mandela and countless others who learned the lesson that, as King wrote, “Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.” She invokes this tradition because she was forced to reconsider it in light of the recent manifestacion.

Shortly after the sign was affixed to the window by willing hands, the Chancellor concluded his meeting with the President. Intercepted by Ms. J, the Chancellor was steered toward our group, which promptly surrounded him. Accounts of what followed have appeared previously in Dissent and the Irvine World News Weekender, so Rebel Girl will not bore her readers with transcripts of the passionate speeches and entreaties made by some in the crowd, which numbered at this point perhaps fifty. Instead, Rebel Girl will focus on what disturbed her most about this encounter.

The Chancellor cast his eyes upon us and declared that this assembly was no way to conduct business. He did not respect the angry and fearful people surrounding him. He felt that our assembly was, in the words of the clerical critics from 1963, “unwise and untimely.” He counseled moderation. He called us extreme. He exclaimed at one point, with obvious disdain, “Look at you!,” the implication being that had we the ability to see ourselves at that moment, we would be as repulsed as he was. Before excusing himself, he pointedly reminded us that we had no power.

Rebel Girl is, of course, paraphrasing here, but she has checked her account with others in attendance and they agree that her characterization of the Chancellor’s remarks seems faithful enough. Rebel Girl is, however, more than willing to revise or retract her account if the Chancellor wants to suggest that he did indeed respect the gathering, that he understood that these were, indeed, people of good faith gathered to express their outrage over yet another pending outrage, people who felt that all other channels had been exhausted and they had little choice but to stand, on a cold day, in front of the office window of the college president—who, tellingly, kept his back to them for the demonstration’s duration.

The Chancellor’s reaction reminds Rebel Girl of a similar response—this one generated from Steven Frogue. Some months ago, Rebel Girl’s alter ego authored an essay for the O.C. edition of the Los Angeles Times. The essay discussed the efficacy of recall efforts in general and the Frogue recall campaign specifically. Two weeks later, Frogue responded with a letter to the editor, in which he attacked the author: “One would have to see her screaming and chanting at a Board of Trustees meeting to be reminded of the old adage, ‘One may smile and smile and yet a villain be.’”

Rebel Girl sees nothing shameful (or villainous) about indictments of “chanting” and “screaming”—though she remembers doing so at only two of dozens of Board meetings the Rebellious One has attended. Like exclamation points, Rebel Girl advises using chanting and screaming sparingly, only when the situation truly warrants it. Other than the two occasions, Rebel Girl believes that her deportment at Board meetings is exemplary. When possible, she sits, listening, quietly grades papers.

Of course, with her “screaming and chanting,” she is participating in a process older than the Boston Tea Party, a process of which Frogue, a history teacher, perhaps “the best history teacher...in the country” according to him, might be aware. It’s a tradition that helped abolish slavery, establish women’s suffrage (Rebel Girls all!); end child labor, gain workers’ rights and, yes, as in the case of the misbehaving man in the Birmingham jail, advance civil rights. Of course, Rebel Girl knows that the problems of a little community college district in this county don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy mixed-up world, nor do they compare in deed to other infinitely more risky and necessary battles. Or do they? An injustice somewhere is an injustice everywhere.

Rebel Girl very much likes her sign. She has returned it to her office and stashed it between the wall and the bookcase. It will be there to be used when needed. Upon reflection, she realizes the sign sports an all-purpose go-anywhere kind of message. She’s considering retiring her gallery of aging placards and relying solely on this one in the future. Short, simple, to the point, no matter who you direct it at: college president or chancellor; corporate exploiter or union-buster; developer or polluter; white supremacist or fervent nationalist; Bill Clinton or the House Judiciary Committee; Augusto Pinochet or Slobodon Milsosevic. Enough already. Enough! —RG

See also: Clocktower: depositions

September board meeting

"Don Wagner is a leader among California Republicans."

¶ (For a sunnier take on this meeting, see Tere's board meeting highlights.)
¶ It’s 6:05 down here in the Ronald Reagan room, and it’s time once again for the monthly meeting of the venerable SOCCCD board of trustees.
¶ The audience is the typical thin crowd thus far. No sign of the trustees. I’ll keep you posted.
. . .
6:16: Two trustees have entered the room. A good sign!
. . .
6:24: OMG! Don Wagner's in the room! He's jawin' with Tod Burnett.
¶ The trustees are fixin' to start up.
6:27: Nancy Padberg opens the meeting.

• No actions taken in closed session.
• Invocation: Marcia Milchiker asks for God's help.... Quotes Robert Lewis Stevenson. Then says "amen."
• Pledge of allegiance: by Frank Meldau
• Resolutions for Professors of the Year. Marcia reads each. This is gonna take a while. I miss Fuentes' contempt for faculty and for board opponents. All this worshipfulness and earnestness and reverence is about to make me puke.

Public comments:

1. HAT LADY. A middle-aged lady in a hat and shades comes up to the podium. She indicates her interest in becoming Chancellor. Really. She lists her qualifications, which are radically deficient. She then indicates that she is preparing a lawsuit (against the district), something about a film or video class. I think I heard the mildly unpleasant sound of crinkling aluminum foil as she shifted her hat on her head. She's now left the podium. I catch Tere's eye. Her look is within the bounds of professionalism. I'm impressed.
2. DON WAGNER, former SOCCCD trustee, present leader of the legislative anti-public education contingent, grandly steps up to the podium. He tells the story of his coming across Bill Hewitt on a plane to Sacramento years ago. He says: We had a long discussion. We didn't agree about everything. We've continued those discussions. I'm happy to report, says Don, that a friendship developed. When I heard that Bill was retiring, I started working on a certificate of recognition or appreciation or some dang thing. I discovered how much he's done. Wow. So, being a big shot Republican in Sacto, I had the State Legislature write a resolution. (He holds it up in the air. It's framed. It highlights some of Bill's accomplishments, which Don reads. The thing has a big green strip on it. It looks like something from an old cigarette ad.) Bill's real legacy: thousands of students who have benefitted from his work. On behalf of the people of Cal, thanks, Bill.
¶ Applause. Bill speaks: Acknowledges his "staff." Humbly explains that he could not have done all those magnificent things that he has done—he mentions some of 'em—without... yada yada.

Board reports:

Bill Jay: no report
Frank Meldau: thanks for the tour of SC, Tod, he says. Great football game and homecoming. Chili bowl cook-off was great, despite that pesky power outage.
Marcia Milchiker: yes, no power for chili cook-off. Dang. But it was a great event. In the dark.
T.J. Prendergast: Yeah, the homecoming game was great. I will be attending the water polo game.
Nancy Padberg: yeah, I too went to the game. Saddleback's "Constitution Day" was wonderful, with a "big article in the paper."
Dave Lang: Thanks IVC Prez Glenn Roquemore for something, don't recall what. It was a nice homecoming.
Student trustee: puts tawdry crown on his head; then announces, "I won homecoming king!" He attended water polo games. (I think this kid hopes to be on TV one day.)
Chancellor Gary Poertner: mentions accred follow-up report and strategic plan—two items tonight. They represent a "very huge effort." Thanked all of the people who worked so hard on the report, etc.

6:58: unanimous vote for consent calendar.

4.1 Presentation about Accred. follow-up reports:

¶ Roquemore introduces the team: IVC Senate Prez Lisa Davis Allen, Kathleen Werle, Saddleback Senate Prez Bob Cosgrove, VPI Don Busche.
¶ It's been a long journey. August 2010—we submitted self-study reports. January 2011: both colleges got warning status. ¶ Ouch.
¶ He thanks Gary Poertner for his crucial efforts.

So here's the presentation:

It was like a dream or something

Tod Burnett: it was an effective district-wide effort. Poertner put together a district steering committee. Yada Yada.
. . . (Trust me, you don't want the details)
¶ (As you know, a camel is a horse designed by a committee...Just sayin') . . . (just how many angels can dance on the head of a pin? Well, that's a very important question, of course. Let's see) . . . I do believe that I am in a coma now. I'm fairly certain that I'm drooling. I hear voices droning...
7:11 Kill me now....
¶ I hear voices: ...we have found these delightful plastic forms. We have shoved turds into them, with great care. Behold the lovely product: remarkable things, aren't they? Behold their perfection. Wow we must be good.
I hear those voices again. We have been very diligent... Standards. Reports. Dedication. Excellence. Drool. .... Voices....
¶ ... I see trustee faces. Some are sleepy, bored. One seems pained, but that's probably about something else. The voices keep changing, droning. Drool....
It's 7:18. Kill me, kill me now.... We want to thank... I hear snoring. How many pinheads can angel on the head of a....? Constituent groups in the district.... Planning and decision-making.... Relevance...
¶ Dysfunctional.... Tax-payers.... Werle handles that special recommendation....
¶ College-wide discussion boards have been initiated.... Safe, transparent.... A policy on mutual respect.... Yeah, protect the worst faculty for decades..... respect.... Gotto have mutual respect....
¶ The ACCJC Accred Teams will visit in November.
¶ In January, the ACCJC board will meet, and they'll decide whether we should stay on warning....
¶ We'll be notified in February....

¶ The dream suddenly lifts.
¶ Nancy: "thanks for a great report." Board members, any questions? NONE.

Next: district-wide strategic plan:

Poertner: very little difference between info item last time and what we have today, he says. Mentions one addition: establishment of a new DISTRICT facility between IVC and Saddleback College, a long-time desideratum. This may be the time to pursue that, what with the economy in the toilet.

Vote to accept plan: unanimous

Item 6.2: a cash-flow matter.... Borrowing money from ourselves.... They vote: unanimous.

Yada yada. I so miss Tom.

Too many notes, I think

6.5 Board Policy Revision....
¶ Lang has comment ... He offers suggestions re the wording of the code of ethics policy. Blah blah blah.
¶ Nancy P seems mighty peeved by this "wordsmithing." Wants to move things along. The sarcastic Nancy emerges. Marcia says, gosh, she likes all Dave's tiny changes. Well, ask to be recognized next time, snaps Nancy, the ruthless Nancy.
¶ Let's use "according" instead of "giving," says Dave.
¶ I think they're referring to this line:

Respectfully working with other Board members in the spirit of harmony and cooperation and giving each member courteous consideration of his or her opinion.

¶ Prendergast: maybe we should look up the word "according"; maybe the right word is "affording," says TJ. (He teaches P.E.) Nancy says, "affording" makes sense to her. Let's do that.
¶ (Good Lord. These people are in charge of colleges?)
¶ 6.5 passes.

6.6 More revisions. Delegation of authority to the Chancellor. Discussion.
6.7 Resolution to rescind five grant-funded classified layoffs. Roll-call vote. Unanimous.
6.8 Academic personnel actions. Unanimously passes.
6.9 Classified personnel actions. Unanimously passes.

Miss you, Tom

Reports:
7.1 Notice to board of ceremony to be held at Disneyland Hotel.
7.2 Reassigned time and stipends. Info only.
7.3 Speakers. No comments/questions.
7.4 Basic Aid Report.
7.5 Facility plan status report. No questions.
7.6 Monthly financial status report. No questions.

Reports from constituency groups:

Bill Hewitt

Saddleback College Ac Senate: blah blah
Faculty Association: no report
IVC Ac Senate: no formal report
Peebles/ATEP: no report
Roquemore/IVC: congrats faculty of year. Robert Young's lecture: paradise at middle age. Exploration of OC from an urban development perspective. Blah, blah.
Burnett/SC: thanks Cosgrove and Busche. Also Claire C-S. Blather about homecoming. Blah blah.
¶ (Will this never end?)
Bugay: nice to be in a district that remembers 9-11.
Fitzsimmons: (too many words, too quickly said)
Et al.

7:57 adjourned (in name of student who died in skateboard accident).

August board meeting

¶ [These are lowlights. For Tere's "highlights," go here.]
6:11: Well, it's just after six o'clock here in the Ronald MacDonald BoT meeting room in beauteous Mission Viejo, CA. The meeting was supposed to start at 6:00, but there's no sign of the trustees.
6:15: the room's filled up a bit. Still no sign of the trustees. Someone's brought a baby into the room; I hear her crying.
¶ There's something festive about summer meetings (yes, I said summer; I refuse to relinquish it). The drive was lovely. Mission Viejo really is "beauteous."
¶ Helen Locke is huddling with some of her students. What's that about?
6:21: As you know, the trustees are in closed session (prior to their open session at "6:00."). I bet they're yelling at each other about now. I wonder if Lang and Padberg ever get into fistfights? She'd win.

¶ There's no "discussion" item tonight, which could really streamline things. The two student governments will be presenting their final budgets. In the old days, with Fuentes and Wagner, that reliably produced fireworks, and often for good reasons. You know where ASG gets much of its money? It's a fee tacked onto textbooks bought at the bookstore.
¶ It's nearly 6:30, and still there's no sign of the BoT.
6:37: Trustee Prendergast has emerged! There's Bill Jay, chewing on something. Looks like he just woke up.
6:41: still only Prendergast and Jay. A minute ago, they were standing next to that awful bust of Ronald Reagan. Yes, it's sitting immediately behind the trustees at about trustee chest level. From down here, he looks like a peeping tom, poking up from behind some bushes.
¶ Here's Meldau, and now Lang. I do believe Nancy punched Betrayal Boy in the face. His hair looks like mine and his face is all mushy.
¶ Nancy and Marcia have entered, though Dave's gone off somewhere. Looks like Bugay will be filling in for Poertner.
6:44: They're about to START.

Pinch hitter

START. Clerk reads out actions: no actions taken.
Invocation: Bill Jay. Says: 38 killed in hurricane, many without power. So he holds a moment of silence.
The Pledge: Lang
Nancy: urgent family matter took Poertner away. Bugay will fill in.
Resolution: model classified senate award. Blah, blah, blah. Laura U got a "vision" award even though she's wearing glasses. More awards. Sherpa. Bramucci, Gaston, introduce.
Erin Long comes up to make comment. Catastrophic leaves. They oughta be better.
¶ Woman barges in, comes up to podium. A Ms. Do. Something about her handicap, which is not apparent. Has some legal papers. Is she a crank? Nancy tries to shut her down; no luck. "You didn't turn in a slip!," she says, always the stickler for rules when it suits her, as the lady stalks away. (Were those tiny mouse heads I saw poking out of the top of her bag? Who knows.)

Board reports:

Jay: comments on parking. It took him a while to find a space.
Meldau: toured renovation of library at Saddleback. Impressed by quality of people "here." He's downright gabby tonight.
Milchiker: has much to say about the upcoming chili cook-off. Ceramic work by students, local artists, faculty--at this chili thing, I guess. Money will go to veterans memorial.
Prendergast: library tour was impressive. "Kinda interesting." Chancellor's opening session, too, was "kinda interesting." Usually, he's funny. Tonight, he's a knucklehead, kinda.
Padberg: at chancellor's opening session. Will be on Laguna Woods TV. Check it out.
Lang: couldn't make the Chancellor's opening session. "Intersected with our vacation plans."
¶ Student trustee Larson: went on library tour. Seems pleased as punch.

Bugay: we do a lot of things really well. "I'm proud of where I work," he said. (He can be that way.)

Nancy P: will pull 5.8 from consent calendar. Advance 7.3.

7.3. That's the district-wide strategic plan presentation.

¶ IVC Prez Roquemore, Saddleback Prez Burnett, Bob Cosgrove, Lisa Davis Allen, walk up to podium. (Was that a mouse I saw, scurrying across the floor?) Slides shown.
¶ The bulk of this plan was developed over the summer time. Yadda yadda. Roquemore introduces two faculty: Cosgrove/Allen. (As Cosgrove walks past me, he steps right on my foot. Funny. Burnett and I exchange smiley faces.)

Lisa Davis Allen:
¶ Lots of hard work. Names of participants listed. (Not a crew that inspires confidence, I've gotta say. Almost all of 'em have a strong motive to placate the powers that be.)
¶ A very collegial experience, she says. Cookies and punch, no doubt.
¶ Accreds focused on strategic planning. Short-term and long-term. Gotta plan better.
¶ What is a "goal"? --An overarching concept used as conceptual tool used to determine policy and practice, she says.
¶ We move toward accomplishment of goals through objectives: "smart" criteria. Specific criteria. Measurable, achievable, etc.
¶ We developed 6 goals, 13 objectives, 73 action plans.

Goal 1: create district-wide culture...of mutual respect/collaboration..celebrates uniqueness of each institution. [Good grief. Any true conservative would vomit projectiles.]
Objective: chancellor will see to collaboration. Will periodically communicate goals, etc.
Goal 2: support innovations....
Objective: increase rate of completion....5% annually
Goal 3: maintain tech leadership, make future advancements
Objective: district will articulate its vision....

Mr. Cosgrove

Bob Cosgrove:
We hope to get away from all these dealings with the ACCJC

Goal 4: increase effective use of resources by developing cycle of integrated district-wide planning.
Objectives: develop a model for the cycle...; review resource allocation process; will provide annual report that goes through goals. Want to base everything on evidence.
Goal 5: will prepare date-driven district decison-making processes that are collaborative, transparent, etc.
Goal 6: assess ed needs of communities and pursue joint venture partnerships.... This is particularly directed toward ATEP.
Objectives: collaboration to determine responsibility and use of ATEP

¶ A slide is shown: three circles. I hate these things. Two circles with arrow pointing at bigger circle, which is the district-wide planning council.
¶ Want info from the community (by Sept. 15). Direct to college Prezes or VC.
¶ Bob offers a quotation: "The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place." Love that Bob. END.
Bugay: we employed consultants for this. They went off and interviewed many people. Turns out we don't always have a positive culture of discussion between groups. Poertner has worked hard on this. College Prezes will lead by example. Etc.

Nancy: Anything to pull from consent calendar? 5.8, 5.12
Vote on consent calendar: unanimous.

7:26: Prendergast asks why counsel A,L,R&R gets more money. Good question, dude.
Bugay: they "review" their rates annually. Increased 'em. We've used this firm, have been pleased with their services. You can vote for or against.
¶ Approved unanimously.

The Board Prez

6.1: final budget of both student governments. Start with Saddleback.

Saddleback College:
¶ Prez of ASG at Saddelback: Joseph Hessine?
¶ Two things have changed: allocation to scholarships is one. There's another, dunno.
¶ The kid is good, but rattles on a bit too quickly. None too clear, though no doubt accurate and relevant.
¶ Scholarships and awards: $106,000. Actually more...
¶ Essentially, budget has same structure. Same foci. Any questions?

Lang: thanks for fine presentation. Unlike IVC report, you didn't have headers showing comparative years. (Students start to stare at each other.) Question about rollover grants. Line item. About $90K. Blah, blah, blah.

¶ They vote: yes, unanimous

Irvine Valley College:
¶ Mr. Allen w/ Vice Prez (didn't catch her name). They look seriously young and cute and lost. Allen looks like he just now got out of bed.
¶ Highlights of changes: increase of beginning fund balance. Higher revenue than expected. So will be funding more things.
¶ Beginning $158K. Lots of rollover from prior year.
¶ This is OK, but the kid rattles on too quickly.
¶ $355K comes from bookstore.
¶ Total use of funds: $594K
¶ $232K goes to co-curricular!
¶ Questions? None.
¶ Vote: yes. Unanimous.

7:43:
¶ District final budget. Deb. Fitzsimmons comes up to present. Has important contributors stand up for recognition. (Beth Muller, et al.) "Great fiscal team." She really seemed to mean it.

Overview:
$555.8 million budget (half a billion)
¶ Workload reductions will occur in community colleges. That's 6.2%. Doesn't apply to basic aid districts. If we were under SB... that would be 8 million...
¶ Tax revenue will be lower or flat. So will get less basic aid moola.
¶ 85-89% salaries/benefits at colleges. Acceptable range.
Shows basic aid trends. Up and down over years. Wise to use for one-time only.
¶ $40.4 million for future projects (of basic aid). Roll-overs no longer allowed. That hurts.
¶ If revenue projections not met (and they surely won't be), then reductions will be triggered. Basic aid districts have more vulnerability. Esp. in Categoricals.
¶ State chancellor's office priorities: categorial restorations, COLA, growth.
¶ New activities (planning) prompted by Accred will be good for us.
¶ Fitzsimmons seems to do a great job. But what do I know.
Questions?
Prendergast: moves the budget
¶ Carries unanimously. (I see a mouse running past the podium. It's been dashing all over the front area of the Ronnie Reagan room.)
¶ Burnett comes up to present proposed "Ronald Reagan: A Saddleback College Tribute"
At that point, the mouse climbs upon the Reagan bust and shits on it (in my imagination)
Burnett: we couldn't find all the stuff about Reagan & Saddleback over the years. That's just not right. Goes through history of Reagan and district. 1968: then-Gov Reagan dedicated Saddleback College.

8:00 p.m.
¶ Pictures shown. "We're a college town!" says dead paper. Lost the original copy of paper. Good grief.
1970: Letter from Reagan to district.
1986: Letter: congrats to Saddleback on 20th anniversary. We see letter.
¶ A video: 1992. Reagan appears, talks about Saddleback College. First-rate faculty. 25 years of excellence, he says. Nice little video. Thanks, Ron.
¶ "That's very special," says Burnett.
2008: we named this very room after Ronald Reagan. (Yeah, check out that bust with a turd on it.)
¶ We have many more artifacts. 1968: one of RR's quotations: "Function of education: each individual grow... fulfill potential ... our job to provide that opportunity...great rewards for the community."

¶ A nice, elderly lady named "Joyce" comes up: mentions the "little mouse." (She cringes.) Was afraid it would climb "up your leg," she says to Burnett, who mock freaks. A good laugh is had by all. But not that mouse, I bet.
¶ Padberg says: this item says "various memorabilia" to give to Reagan library. Too general for her.
¶ A worthy project. A bit too nebulous to support, says Nancy. Motion: to table for next meeting. Maybe a subcommittee can work on this so we can have our own Reagan display here.
Burnett: most of what we have are copies anyway....
¶ Lang supports motion to table (to next meeting). [I almost interrupted to recommend that we hand over that funky bust.] Vote is unanimous except for Milchiker's "no."

6.4: unanimous. 6.5: unanimous. 6.6: etc.
6.8 ~~directing basic aid money away from BSTIC to Fine Arts building~~, I think. [CORRECTION: SEE END OF POST.] Unanimous. (I'm surprised they didn't direct it all to that goddam speech program.)
¶ Yadda yadda.....

¶ Reports: blah blah blah.
¶ No comments or questions. This gang is focused on getting home.

¶ Finally, 8:0, reports from constituent groups

An attorney was there

Saddleback College Ac. Sen Prez: blah blah
Faculty Association: no report
IVC's Ac. Senate Prez (LDA): have finalized our lecture series, etc. Sept. 22, we'll have distinguished academic lecture: Robert Young, star of Father Knows Best (well, no, not that one). Something about Paradise and middle age.
Randy Peebles: nothin'
IVC Prez Glenn Roquemore: one of our faculty was selected as winner of win-tale design, license plate. Also: commemoration of tenth 9-11 anniversary.... At Performing Arts Center. Nancy Padberg will be offering remarks on behalf of the board. Sandra Hutchins, et al. Growth: it is flat. Parking lots are full, growth is flat. Last year, we were running 3% unfunded. Had to bring that down. Productivity values quite high. 525 is state average. Probably 540 or 560 when things settle at IVC.
Saddleback's Burnett: we're up a bit in headcount. Our productivity is also up. Mentions "Tod stadium" jokingly.
Bramucci: the MOE apps--we've just updated. He got all wonky. Don't know what he said.
Deb. Fitzsimmons: nothin'
IVC Classified senate: gone
. . .
8:36, meeting over

[UPDATE: turns out the trustees went on their Library tour from 4-5 and then got back to their closed session at 5:00.]

CORRECTION: I do believe I grossly misdescribed item 6.8 of the agenda. Here is the actual item (which was approved):

Fourteen years ago

ANOTHER VIEW: Why we don't support changes made at Irvine Valley College

Irvine World News guest editorial

August 1997

BY DAVID LANG AND JOAN HUETER

¶ We strongly oppose the vote of the majority of the board of trustees of the South Orange County Community College District in its action to remove nine Irvine Valley College school chairs and replace them with five deans from Saddleback College.

¶ Notwithstanding Trustee Dorothy Fortune's opinion in the Irvine World News (July 24), we believe that the decision by the board majority was terribly misguided, both in its substance and in the heavy-handed way in which it was effected.

¶ Trustee Fortune identifies her central motive to be her desire to reduce "inordinate expenditures" and offer additional classes to serve the "thousands that were kept from enrolling because of lack of space." She hints at a conspiracy among college administrators to proliferate non-academic positions as a way "to continue to advance their salaries.

¶ Finally, Trustee Fortune justifies the recent drastic reductions by Interim President Raghu P. Mathur in faculty time devoted to state committees, instruction and student support program administration, and governance participation as "streamlining administration" in a move to "eliminate fiscal waste."

Low in comparison

¶ While it is true that IVC dedicates approximately $3.4 million of its nearly $27 million budget to necessary administrative support of instruction, this amount represents approximately 12 percent of the college's operating budget. This figure is considered statewide to be extremely low, given the size of the college and the 11,000 students it serves each semester.

¶ Although 10 school chairs and their support staffs may "cost over $1 million," this expenditure will not be eliminated by reassigning them to the classroom. The actual cost to the college for its school chairs is the salaries (approximately $200,000) of the part-time faculty that teaches the classed the chairs do not. The college will still be required to pay their salaries as classroom teachers, and at salaries identical to their former salaries as school chairs.

¶ Ironically, it was the economy of the school chair model that was a significant factor in the college's move to adopt it in 1986. Coupled with the benefits of a "flat" organization and the involvement of the college faculty in important decision-making processes, IVCs administrative model has been a resounding success in fostering the growth and development of the college.

¶ Trustee Fortune declares that the money "saved" by the board's action will be used to add classes. However, she fails to state that both IVC and Saddleback College have already scheduled classes for the next academic year to accommodate a far greater number of students than will be funded by the state.

¶ To offer additional classes in such a situation is to assure that the district will incur enormous expense without a penny of off-set income.

A political payoff

¶ Our last point is the most disturbing. Veiled as a "personnel action," the latest authoritarian move by the board majority was made without any consultation with or participation by the college employees it most directly affects. Indeed, top district leadership has spoken passionately against it. What disturbs us most is our firm belief that the real motive for such a precipitous action is political payoff to those who oppose certain Saddleback College deans and the silencing of the IVC school chairs who have been vocal critics of the board majority.

¶ Let's remember that academic freedom is one of the basic tenets of the American education system. Reorganization can be healthy for many reasons, but it appears to best serve organizations when consultation and long-term planning take place in unison and decisions are made carefully.

David Lang and Joan Hueter are members of the board of the South Orange County Community College District.

Hugh Hewitt on Mathur

OC METRO (Times? Register?)
December 4, 1997

College district trustee has cornered himself.

...First, there's the question of Irvine Valley College President Raghu Mathur. President Mathur does not have what it takes to run IVC, pure and simple, and for the board to pretend otherwise is ridiculous. Even quick perusal of his stormy tenure persuades any objective observer that the board made a colossal mistake in putting Mathur in charge of IVC. Among his first actions was a double-cross of the Irvine Unified School District on an issue of where to locate a Montessori school, and it's been an unbroken string of silly confrontations and petty puffings since then. The picture emerges of an excellent community college saddled with "leadership" verging on buffoonery that continues to injure the reputation of every faculty member teaching there and every student enrolled. We pay taxes for that college, and they ought to go for excellence, not mediocrity....

Hugh Hewitt, a partner with Hewitt & McGuire in Irvine, is co-host of the nightly news show "Life & Times" on KCET.

By Red Emma (2002)

GUESS WHO’S CHANCELLOR?

Editor’s Note: The Los Angeles Times gets hundreds of letters to the editor. Those published indeed represent only a fraction of those received. Through a new Times-Dissent partnership, we’ve secured copies of a few letters recently sent the paper after appointment of Raghu Mathur as chancellor of the embattled South Orange County Community College District. Regrettably, the paper was unable at the time to publish these due to space considerations.

Dear Editor:
Some teachers at Irvine Valley College and Saddleback are naughty. They say bad things about President Mathur. We do not like them. No. Some students listen to them, and then march around the campus, chanting “Mathur Must Go” and cause a lot of trouble, noise and litter. Not us. Some students study the Constitution and get big ideas. No way. No siree. Nope. We are proud of our college and of President Mathur. We have team spirit, school pride, transcripts and letters of recommendation.Sincerely,
Students for Choice
cc: Raghu P. Mathur, Ed.D., Chancellor SOCCCD

Dear Editor:
Arf! Raghu Mathur saved my life. Woof! Raghu is a good master. Bow-wow! Raghu feeds me and lets me out of the garage occasionally. His security stipend from the district saved me from a life in the pound, and still left him cash to spare. When I looked out of my pen into his big brown eyes, I wanted to go home with him. Whenever Kate Clark comes around I bark and bark. Grrrr. “Attack,” says master, “attack!”Woof,

“Stipey” the Security Hound

Dear Editor:
Friends, I have been so very blessed to meet many good men and women, including presidents and kings. Raghu Mathur is a good man. I am a good man. I plan to host a special education-themed “Hour of Power” next Sunday featuring my special guests and personal friends: radio personality Dr. Laura, golfer Jack Niklaus, entertainers Donny and Marie, General Colin Powell, and a very honorable man, fellow American and new SOCCCD chancellor, Dr. Raghu Mathur. This event will feature the amazing Crystal Cathedral chorus singing with Donny and Marie, the folding of the world’s largest American flag into a very tiny American flag, putting tips from Jack Niklaus and a stern talk by Dr. Laura (“Ten Things Bad Teachers Do To Their Students When They Stray From Administrative Free Speech Policies”). We will hear an inspiring message from General Powell, who will present a special award to Dr. Mathur, newly appointed chancellor of South Orange County Community College District. As in our special Christmas pageants, during this special presentation, Dr. Mathur will fly like an angel.Blessedly,
Dr. Robert Schuller

Dear Editor:
As a dean at IVC, I want to offer our school’s appreciation for the appointment of Dr. Raghu P. Mathur as district chancellor. While others dismissed me, even suggesting I was a sociopath, smiling toad, neck groper and funny dresser with not a clue about academic protocol, it was Dr. Mathur who recognized my genius. After earning numerous degrees simultaneously and a coupla advanced degrees, and rewriting The Odyssey and The Illiad so that they have better endings, I had everything but respect from my colleagues (or a fulltime teaching job). After years of toil, it was Dr. Mathur who recognized my talent, not to mention my terrific people skills and Photocopy Accountability Management Program. I owe my success—and popularity!—at IVC to Dr. Mathur.Obsequiously,
Anonymous Dean

Dear Editor:
We at Nova Southestern University couldn’t be prouder at news of the appointment of our recent alumni Dr.(GRADUATE NAME HERE) to the position of (POSITION NAME HERE). At NSU (“Go Fighting Novettes! Go the Distance!”), we take pride in the achievement of Dr. (GRADUATE NAME HERE), and are proud of our close association with Dr. (GRADUATE NAME HERE). Nova Southwestern University is proud of its low residency, distance-education, pay-per-view and mail order diploma programs, for which we were recently ranked 234 of 234 national universities. We are confident that our recent graduate Dr. (GRADUATE NAME HERE) will more than live up to NSU’s reputation.Cordially,
Dr. (DEAN NAME HERE), Ph.D.
Dean, Nova Southwestern University

cc: Dr. (Graduate Name Here), Ph.D.

Dear Editor:
This is a routine administrative request, newly instituted by the office of the chancellor, which SOCCCD attorneys assure me is entirely legal and well within the purview of my official capacities. Please, therefore, forward to me the names of all who wrote letters to your paper regarding my appointment to district chancellor. Disloyalty will not be tolerated. Thank you.Sincerely,
Dr. Raghu Mathur, Ed.D., Chancellor SOCCCD

Roy's music faves here

“Blue Moon” ~ Big Star, 1975
“Found Someone New” ~ Susan Tedeschi, 1998
“Ghosts of Princes in Towers” ~ Rich Kids, 1978
“Into the Woods” ~ My Morning Jacket, 2005
“The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth” ~ Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, 2005
“Whizz Kid” ~ Mott the Hoople, 1973
"A New England" ~ Billy Bragg, 1985
"Baby Baby" ~ The Vibrators, 1977
"Blue Moon" ~ His Name is Alive, 1993
"Complete Control" ~ The Clash, 1977
"Crossroads" ~ Robert Johnson, 1936
"Don't Worry Baby" ~ The Beach Boys, 1964
"Draw Your Brakes" ~ Scotty, 1972
"Elenore" ~ The Turtles, 1968
"Fly Me To the Moon" ~ Frank Sinatra/Count Basie, 1964
"Honour Your Mother and Father" ~ Desmond Dekker, 1963
"I Had a Good Father and Mother" ~ Washington Phillips, 1929
"I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself" ~ White Stripes, 2003
"I Say a Little Prayer" ~ Dionne Warwick, 1967
"I Want To Be Ready" ~ Tuskegee Institute Singers, 1916
"I Wonder" ~ The Gants, 1967
"I'm Straight" ~ The Modern Lovers, 1972
"It Won't Be Long" ~ Charley Patton, 1929
"Jeepster" ~ T-Rex, 1971
"Little Girl" ~ Syndicate of Sound, 1966
"Madame George" ~ Van Morrison, 1967
"Ramble Tamble" ~ Creedence Clearwater Revival, 1970
"Rid of Me" ~ P.J. Harvey, 1993
"Rock Lobster" ~ The B-52s, 1978
"The Littlest Birds" ~ The Be Good Tanyas, 2005
"Victoria" ~ The Kinks, 1969
"Voodoo Child (Slight Return) ~ Jimi Hendrix Experience, 1970
"Watching and Waiting" ~ Moody Blues, 1969
"We Would Be Building" ~ John Fahey, 1968
"We'll Sing in the Sunshine" ~ Gayle Garnett, 1964
"When the Saints Go Marching In" ~ Sidney Bechet, 1951
"Where is My Mind?" ~ The Pixies, 1988
"Why Don't You Do Right?" ~ Peggy Lee, 1947
"You Were On My Mind" ~ We Five, 1965
"You Won't Have To Cry" ~ The Byrds, 1964
"Zig Zag Wanderer" ~ Captain Beefheart, 1967
“Ball and Biscuit” ~ White Stripes, 2003
“Lisa Says” ~ Velvet Underground, 1969
“Love Letters” ~ Ketty Lester, 1962

Ask Miss Fortune!

From Dissent 34, 10/25/99

Dear Miss Fortune:

Enough already! I can handle mass protests in the streets of Belgrade and dissent at the university. I can handle attacks on my strange wife and good-for-nothing son. I can deal with NATO missiles and losing Kosovo. I can even endure international sanctions. But I will absolutely, positively not stand for further comparisons of me in the pages of the Dissent newspaper to that wannabe, Raghu P. Mathur!

—President-Slobodon Milosovic

Dear Slo:

At least you understood the comparison. I’m sorry. Really. Nobody deserves what you’ve had to endure. Please, please don’t sue us. By the way, are you aware of the fine Anger Management Counseling programs available through the SOCCCD Employee Assistance Program?

Dear Miss Fortune:

As a God-fearing Christian conservative, I’m writing to explain the difference between “religious” and “religious right.” Easy. If you’re not religious, you’re wrong. If you are religious, you’re right. See? Whenever I’m confused about this, I consult with the local Fine Arts guy who attends our church, which the rest of the week is a community college we’re arranging to buy and rename “Irvine Valley Calvary Chapel (inc.com.edu.)” We’ll have distance learning and corporate sponsors and fun pancake breakfasts and the gym will be perfect for Promisekeeper events. We have big plans for decorating the campus, too. Imagine: Thousands of tiny bright lights strung on all the campus buildings, visible to South County passersby from the 405 freeway. The Fine Arts guy says this is all okay because it’s not political, it’s religious. Right?

—Funda Mental

Dear Mental:

God bless you. It’s quite a vexing problem, isn’t it, balancing one’s theocratic impulse with undermining pluralistic secular public education? Myself, I’ve taken to wearing a small button on my lapel, which, writ in small faux gold letters, reads “WWRD?” Whenever I’m feeling confused about matters spiritual or political, I look at my special pin and wonder to myself: “What would Raghu do?” Just repeating this handy mantra makes me feel positive and upbeat, though, oddly, it causes people standing near me to pick up their phones and call their lawyers. For further amplification on spiritual themes, I call the Vice President of Student Services. Although, come to think of it, I know what he would do.

Hey Miss Fortune, You G*d**n *****!

I’m a guy who likes to make threats. Oh, boy, do I love to threaten people. Frighten. Scare. Intimidate. Gee, I use dirty, filthy, horrible language. Sometimes I use such awful, terrible, extraordinarily offensive filthy language that I can’t even read the stuff I write myself! I type it on the keyboard with one hand and have to cover my eyes with the other just so I don’t offend myself. Yes, that’s how awful it is. I’m so nasty that sometimes I e-mail people, sometimes I use the telephone, sometimes I write letters. There’s no method that I haven’t used to do my nasty, awful things. That’s really how horrible a bad, nasty guy I am. So, I was wondering: How can I get a copy of Dissent, ‘cuz my secretary’s cut off my supply?

—Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

Just stop by Raghu’s office. I hear he’s got a secret file just full of ‘em.

Dear Miss Fortune:

I’m the illegally-appointed president of a small community college, thinking positively, bringing people together and spreading the One True Light. Lately, my flock seems upset about discovering my secret files on them and a couple of the arranged marriages are falling apart. A few dark panel trucks with “Accreditation Team” painted on them have just pulled up in front of A-100, but since I’ve had all the phones rerouted through PIO Joyce Kirk’s office (“We’re pleased about all the activities going on in the compound”), few of the Chosen Ones will even know. Besides, now that I’ve had my contract renewed, we can stay holed up here for two more years.

—The Appointed One

Dear Wacko:

I’m putting down the phone now. I have Glenn here with me. We’re going to walk, slowly, across the quad and make a swap. You’ll give us the files and the keys to the Greenhouse and we’ll give you Steve. Okay?

DISSENT 46, 3/6/00:

Dear Miss Fortune:

I pulled up the signs and headstones on the lawn. The President ordered me to put them back. Next, I mounted lock boxes on the bulletin boards, then took them down. Finally, I built a $3,000 storage room in the middle of a lobby where I was ordered to hide the photocopy machine, which used to sit in exactly the same place.

I feel oddly like Sisyphus, forced to drag the same stone up a hill, only to have it roll down again, except that I was ordered to mount a plaque on my stone and now I’m supposed to take it off. Will my existential suffering never end?

signed: Maintenance Staff

Dear Staff:

What, you didn’t hear? They’re renaming the library, “The Raghu P. Mathur School Book Depository.” The lawn will now be called the “Grassy Knoll.” I’ll be Jackie, Armando will be Abraham Zapruder. Later, Cedric will be Earl Warren.

Regarding Existentialism, I like to cheer myself up by reminding everybody that, despite the uniqueness and isolation of the individual in a hostile or indifferent universe, you can still get people’s attention by showing them your butt.

Dear Miss Fortune:

I’m flying back to the Fatherland this weekend, where I expect full and speedy recovery from brain damage I suffered while buying a raincoat in London. I understand there may be work for me at IVC.

signed: Augusto

Dear General:

Yes, I think we’ve got a place for you on our winning team. You’ll be a real “feather in our cap.” How does “Director-of-Student-Affairs-For-Life” suit you? With your people skills, talent at stifling dissent, and shiny jackboots, you’ll fit right in. It’ll be like Oktoberfest all year round. Plus, we’ve got one Trustee who’s a really big fan.

Dear Miss Fortune:

It’s me, again, the illegally-appointed president of a small community college, thinking positively, bringing people together and spreading the One True Light.

Meanwhile, the judge threw out my SLAPP suit and now I’ve spent my raise on lawyers’ fees. How can I get the district to cover my losses?

signed: Slapped

Dear Slapped:

I’d ask for another security stipend, but if that doesn’t work, how about this: sue yourself. As President, the district lawyers will be required to defend you. Clever, huh? You lose, you win. I’m sure there’s a down side, but it can’t be any worse than teaching your new pet pit bull “Stipey” how to distinguish the Kate Clark mannequin from the Wendy Phillips one.

Dear Miss Fortune:

I’m responsible for the financial records of the former Faculty Association PAC, which I kept for the longest time in a black box. Now they’re in a pretty red box with balloons and horsies painted on the side. When I wind the little handle, a funny tune plays and, after a while, a happy clown pops up and surprises me with a subpoena. What should I do?

signed: Surprised

Dear Surprised:

I’d put those nasty old records in an old F.A. ballot box, unmarked. That’s the last place anybody’d look.

Dear Miss Fortune:

I recall your brave position opposing “same-sex” marriage in the last trustees election, so maybe you can help me out. Should I vote for Prop 22 because I hate others or just because I hate myself? They’re not like us, are they?

signed: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

You sound kinda existential. Some of my best friends are existential. We had one living next door. Once I dated an existentialist, but I’d never let my daughter marry one. When faced with difficult moral choices, I find it best to follow the example of Raghu Mathur. In that spirit, I’m taking down your name, foolishly included in your return address, photocopying this letter, and handing it out to the whole Board. Federal law, my ass!

Dear Miss Fortune:

I’m so scared to join the union. Somebody might find out. I’m scared to write a letter to the editor because somebody might recognize my name. I’m scared to look a certain untenured Biology teacher in the eyes. And, now I’m being asked by colleagues to speak out like the rest of them at a special meeting on March 9. Help!

signed: Xavier Onassis

Dear Save:

Hey, I like your spirit! You tell your small group of disgruntled faculty colleagues to try showing up at that Thursday, March 9, special board meeting. Yeah, just try. You try and attend that meeting. We haven’t said where it is or what time, so you can try, all right. Hah!

—MISS FORTUNE

From Dissent 26, 5/3/99

Dear Miss Fortune:

Remember me? I am the illegally appointed president of a once-esteemed community college whose door is always open. While a teacher and I we were meditating on “divine intervention” and the oneness of all things at a recent IVC Prayer Breakfast, that very teacher (oddly, the only faculty member attending) asked questions of a spiritual nature. When, he wondered, is a faculty breakfast not a faculty breakfast? How can one reconcile with one’s enemies when one’s enemies will not eat flapjacks? And what is the sound of one IVC hand clapping?

—The Amazing Mathurini

Dear Amazing:

The answer to your spiritual questions is, as with all questions, distance learning. Learning from a distance, even of thirty or forty feet, elevates one’s perceptions, tunes one’s consciousness toward peace and away from divisiveness and eliminates anxieties about pesky Accrediting Teams and micromanagement. I therefore suggest you remove yourself to a great distance.

Dear Miss Fortune:

I’ve just chaired my last meeting of the Faculty Association. Whew! All those meetings without ever learning Roberts Rules of Order or the name of that damn orphanage. Now that I’ve got some free time, I had an etiquette question: Which of the union’s credit cards is the correct one to use when the lunch bill at La Ferme totals over a hundred dollars?

—Rather Be Shopping At Nordstrom

Dear Rather:

I am informed that, in an effort to make things easy for everybody, the orphanage’s name has been changed. It will now be called “Sherry and Bob’s Place.” Easy to remember, huh? All residents will, in an ecumenical electronic-virtual-distance-learning ceremony, be rechristened “Sherry” or “Bob” or, in some lucky cases, both. Regarding your use of the SOCCCD F.A. credit card, I think touchy financial matters are best left to the experts, but you might consider holding a community education seminar and invite, say, Charles Keating or Robert Citron.

Dear Miss Fortune:

As editor of the F.A. newsletter, I’m fond of poking fun at people who disagree with my unlikely anti-union positions. Can I be held legally responsible for sending out unauthorized mailings using F.A. letterhead at the expense of union members?

—El Rey

Dear El:

Unlike this lousy rag, your newsletter is the official organ of an organized local, authorized to perform collective bargaining. Oddly, the law frowns on poison pen articles and misrepresentations when they stray from the will of the members they putatively represent. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t do something similar: say, send out a mailer exploiting South County voter fear and hatred of homosexuals. Capiche?

Dear Miss Fortune:

The Accrediting Committee arrives soon for its follow-up visit. As interim V.P., I’ve instructed everybody to look busy. Unfortunately, some spoilsports are insisting on meeting with the team. I’m wondering if now might be a good time to announce my plan for a week of Spring activities involving organized distraction and obsequiousness. Monday: President Appreciation Day. Tuesday: Distance Learning Up-Close. Wednesday: Geology is All In Your Head. Thursday: Tour of the President’s Poinsettia Garden. Friday: Health Awareness: The IVC Clap is not a Social Disease.

—Shovel Boy

Dear Shovel Boy:

You sure know how to use that thing, dontcha? My only suggestion is that you engage the Trustees in your brilliant Machiavellian plan by adding golf, meditation or pancakes to the program.

—RED EMMA

From Dissent 53, 10/9/00

Dear Miss Fortune: I recently left a high-ranking eleven-year administrative position in Belgrade to spend more time with my family. Little Marko is making new friends here in Moscow and, gosh, Mirjana is already plotting to overthrow the darn government.

I’ve spent a few thoughtful days lately, considering how the decisions I made affected Serbians and running from angry mobs and two guys who say they’re from something called a War Crimes Tribunal. I understand the IVC Foundation is seeking a Director and I hope that you’ll consider me for the position.

Signed:

—Slobo M.

Dear Slobo: You’ll fit right in here. Some helpful hints toward securing this coveted position: Change your party affiliation. Enroll in classes at a prestige academic institution, say, Nova Southeastern University. Get yourself on the hiring committee. CC your CV to RM at IVC.

Dear Miss Fortune: I was staffing the Army recruitment table outside the Student Services building, talking to the UPS employment fellow and the nice lady from MasterCard, who was handing out free T-shirts to kids who signed up for a credit card.

We waved and threw brochures over to the Ye Olde Crafts Faire booth. There, a crew of tiny elves assembled handsome figurines of schnauzers dressed as clowns, these lovely statuettes made entirely out of Q-tips, yarn and rhinestones. Two nice young men from the Church of the Holy Townhouse Tabernacle came by, handing out Harvest Crusade literature. We were all havin’ such a great time.

Then, suddenly, a group of IVC faculty and students showed up with a card table and a flag. They said they were there to register voters. Well, I knew they were there to scare away all our business, crowd us out of our designated Free Speech area, and generally put a damper on our good time.

I’m trying to be all I can be, but these folks are treading all over my First Amendment rights. Right?

Signed:

—G.I. Joe

Dear Joe: When you’re right, you’re right. I thought I saw you out there, in those short brown pants. Gosh, I love a man in uniform. Speaking of which, have you ever seen Lee W in his Fife and Dumb Corps costume? It makes Miss F want to march to the beat of his big, bad bass drum. Regarding your particular problem, I’d report all suspicious voter activity directly to the district. They seem to have all kinds of Board Policies, just the thought of which gets Miss F Hot.

Dear Miss Fortune: I’m the Chancellor of a community college district up for his contract renewal. If my bosses win the election, I’m guaranteed employment. If they lose, I’ll have to find a new college. Any ideas?

Signed:

—Chance

Dear Chance: I’d try to do a mailing with a picture on it of Ronald Reagan riding a horse. Get the taxpayers to pay for it. Alternatively, you might hire the Blue Angels to fly overhead during the next trustees meeting, dropping brochures about free golf and homosexual teachers on the adoring crowds. Or they might crash, offering you an opportunity to foist blame on a small group of disgruntled pilots.

Dear Miss Fortune: It’s me again, the illegally-appointed president of a small community college, thinking positively, bringing people together and spreading the One True Light.

I was sitting in my comfy new chair just the other day, noting on the giant wall-sized graph on my office wall the history of ways my actions affected students. Raising my eyes from the floor, I saw a vision. There, on the wall, was Ronald Reagan’s horse. As if in a beautiful dream, I leaped up and mounted the handsome steed and rode off into the sunset.

Signed:

—Visionary

Dear Airy: Reviewing carefully the “Unusual Occurrence” reports forwarded to me by Campus Security, I note one involving a small man seen pushing a leather chair around in the A-100 Building at two in the morning hollering “Giddyup, Evil Empire” and “Whoa, Distance Learning.”

I’m prepared to ignore this episode if you can get another high-level administrator’s secretary to sign off on my recent request to officially rename the Clocktower Quad the “Miss Fortune Urban Park.”

Dear Miss Fortune: I’m confused. What’s all this about “same sex” benefits? I gotta tell you I just don’t see it. My husband and I have been having the same sex for thirty years. You know the problem: It’s all over in less time than it takes the SOCCCD Trustees to violate the Brown Act. I’ve chilled champagne, lit scented candles, put on sexy lingerie, even left copies of Board Policy 8000 lying open on his side of the bed. Nothing seems to work. Help.

Signed:

—Frustrated

Dear Fruss: Do what I do, honey. Send out some really filthy campaign literature. One thing that makes a fellow friskier than dirty pictures is dirty tricks. That and a handful of Dilantin. Well, no, actually, that makes you want to drop a bomb on Korea, but that kinda makes this sexy girl hot too.

Dear Miss Fortune: The Boy Scouts can’t take public money to discriminate. God-loving folk can’t pray at a public high school football game. And homosexuals, Jews, and Communists are taking over the SOCCCD Board of Trustees. I go to my weekly Rush Limbaugh meetings and ask my friends for advice. Everybody shakes their dittoheads and laments the passing of the good old days, when the head of the County GOP could run for a pissy little college district seat and win without having to spend $100,000.

When will things be the way they oughta be?

Signed:

—In Limbo

Dear Limbo: I don’t know what you’re complaining about. After my recent conversion, I’ve had to meet a whole new group of people at GOP meetings. I used to be a Democrat, albeit a Reagan Democrat, so people keep coming up to me looking for the Mark of the Beast. (FYI: I had it removed with laser therapy.)

Sadly, my new board allies aren’t buying it. As a test of my true allegiance, they’ve agreed to let me stay on the slate if I officially change my name on the ballot. Although I’ve spent a great deal of time developing voter trust in the good Fortune name, I’ve agreed. Note to SOCCCD district voters: Don’t ask, just please, please mark the box that now reads Dorothy Harvest Crusade. God bless.

—MF

Dissent the Blog

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Tom Fuentes at 34: "consultant"

2 comments:

Sudden Fiction Latino: Short-Short Stories from the United States and Latin America

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BlogRoll

Hugh Hewitt on Mathur

By Red Emma (2002)

Roy's music faves here

Top IVC Admin:

Ask Miss Fortune!

How many letters of recommendation were you asked to write for IVC Foundation Scholarships this year?

VPI Craig Justice