MORONS RUN DISTRICT? by Chunk Wheeler

Have you seen the district’s latest promotional campaign? Evidently, our district "marketing" crew hopes to entice students to Saddleback and Irvine Valley Colleges via the distribution of hacky sack balls, the display of incoherent surfer images, and associations with lurid TV shows.

I don’t know what to make of the hacky sack balls (see image), but it is probably worth noting that they are a pair and they come with a pencil, I think.

The district is also giving away a “waterless tattoo” (see below balls). The tattoo sports an image that also adorns the 12X12 flier (see).

The image is of a surfer who is about to “wipe out.” The picture is cracked or something. Random blurry black lines appear.

I don’t get it.

I showed the graphic to Mark down the hall, and he didn’t see a crack. He saw “barbed wire.” He stared down at the image in silence for quite some time. He cocked his head. We heard cackling in the distance.

Well, whether it’s a surfer wrapped in barbed wire or a surfer who's cracked—either way, the image seems to say: “we oppose surfing.”

I don’t get it. What’s wrong with surfing?

The flier mentions “the OC.” Unless I am very much mistaken, that element of the new campaign is a ploy to exploit the cool vibe of the hot Fox teen-age TV show called The OC. I’ve never actually seen The OC, but the ads make it look like a pile of crap. I would bet my right hacky sack that it is a big steaming pile.

Just for laughs, I headed to the show’s website, which, at first, opens up to swirling spudular Burger King ads. When the burgers and fries clear, one finds a bio of the show’s main character “Ryan Atwood.” It says:

“Ryan slowly warmed to Seth’s ‘The Way We Were’ plan and eventually he and Marissa reunited. But then Ryan’s brother, Trey, tried to rape Marissa. When Ryan found out, he tracked down his brother and they fought. Unfortunately, Trey had a gun and the fight went from ugly to deadly. Before Trey could do in his brother, Marissa grabbed the gun and shot him in the back.”

--Attempted rape, shooting people in the back, Whoppers: I can certainly see why the district wants to associate this show with our colleges.

The promotional tattoo sports a website url: myOCcollege.com. I tried the url on my office computer, and my screen immediately froze. I tried it again. It froze again. I had Rebel Girl try it on her computer. Her screen froze too.

Evidently, the district is run by morons.

Back home, on my Mac, I tried the “OC” url again. This time, it worked, and I was brought to a display of the surfer image, only now the image was even less coherent. Inexplicably, the portion of the image that includes the horizon line now appears isolated on top of the screen. Meanwhile, the portion of the image that includes the surfer is scrunched at the bottom right. In between: pitch black.

What does it all mean? I have no idea.

Suddenly, I see: “Are you ready for the NEXT STEP?”

Japanese music starts to play.

Then: “Want the SMARTEST CHOICE for college?” Then another question: “learn from the BEST FACULTY at the LOWEST COST?”

More Japanese music.

Eventually, one enters the main page, whereupon one encounters this message, among others:

Want a million bucks?

Over on the right, there’s a photo of an attractive young lady who is beaming with joy. She is quoted as saying: “I want to change the world and make it a better place for humanity.” (The “million bucks” thing appears under her.)

Also on the right, there’s a profile of students who are identical twins. We learn that: “With the help of science, multiple birth rates have gone up….”

The help?

Elsewhere on the site, we encounter “Stuff to Do.” Among the things listed:

Hang out at the mall.

Catch a movie, rays or some waves.

Take a surfing class.

Get a bite to eat or great coffee.

Somehow, I really like that last one. “Get a bite to eat”: yes, that is indeed enticing. But I’ve got my own marketing and PR ideas, and I’ll share them with you in my next posting. --CW

Update (9/23/05):

Reliable sources tell me that, a few days ago, at "Chancellor's cabinet," it was revealed that the district is looking to hire yet another outside consultant, this time to figure out our enrollment problem. I'm told that some faculty who were present at the meeting expressed concern (consternation? frustration?). Faculty noted that the district has an expensive crew of administrators, and yet the task of running the district is evidently beyond them, and so, once again, we are forced to hire expensive outside help.

Recently, Chancellor Mathur's salary was boosted to a Quarter Million Dollars.

OK, so the board will hire a consultant. If the past is any indication, once they get the consultant's report, they'll throw it in the trash.

Back in the late 90s, an earlier incarnation of the "conservative Board Majority" dithered about our "governance" problems. In March of '97, they hired an expensive outside consultant, the Sorenson group. In June, they got the report they paid for. The Sorenson Report observed that there is a "very low" "level of trust" between groups in the district and that "Each and every stakeholder group has been disempowered." On the basis of such findings, the Sorenson group urged the board to refrain from making dramatic changes--at least until "stakeholder groups" could be brought into the decison process.

So what did the board do? Wthin days of receiving the report, they (illegally, as it turns out) imposed a drastic administrative reorganization on the two colleges.

In the two months prior to the Reorg, then-IVC President Mathur had instructed his VPI to work on an administrative restructuring of precisely the kind that ultimately occurred. The VPI was told to work in secret. (When the VPI took steps to reveal to other governance groups what changes were being planned, he was formally reprimanded.)

While this was going on, in July, Mathur assured IVC faculty (in writing) that no administrative changes would be contemplated until faculty returned in the fall.

Then, all of a sudden, in mid-July, in a closed session, the colleges were radically reorganized. --CW