As you know, Irvine Valley College President Glenn Roquemore is a remarkably, er, unacademic fellow. For a college president, he’s special, he is.
Today brought us the fellow’s latest public spasm of super special unacademery, coming this time in the form of singular Roquemorean verbiage—a "resolution."
Members of the college community just received an email from the IVC Chief of Police, alerting us to the upcoming Great California ShakeOut Earthquake Drill. In support of this effort, the Chief writes, IVC President Roquemore has issued a resolution:
A RESOLUTION OF INTENT TO PARTICIPATE IN THE GREAT CALIFORNIA SHAKEOUT AND WORK TOWARD BECOMING A SAFER CAMPUS COMMUNITY.
Golly. Do we really need a resolution to participate in this thing? Why not just announce that the college will participate?
But that's just me.
The Chief attaches the resolution, a pdf, to his email. I opened it up. I’ve posted it above (see).
Since it’s a resolution, it offers a series of “whereas”es and ends with a “be it resolved that.”
Here’s the first “whereas.” It’s a humdinger.
WHEREAS, the [“the”?] Irvine Valley College recognizes that no community is immune from natural hazards whether it [it?] be earthquake, wildfire, flood, winter storms, drought, heat wave, or dam failure and recognizes the importance [sic] enhancing its ability to withstand natural hazards as well as the importance of reducing the human suffering, property damage, interruption of public services and economic losses caused by those hazards….That’s one seriously special piece of writing.
Here’s a subsequent “whereas”:
WHEREAS, the protection of Irvine Valley College employees will allow them to facilitate the continuity of government and assist the campus community following a major earthquake event….Is it just me? Are others struck by the oddness of Glenn’s interest in protecting IVC “employees”? I guess the idea here is that, if the college secures the survival of employees, not being dead, after the quake, they can “facilitate the continuity of government.”
Yeah, cuz that's what community colleges are all about.
Plus, again, not being dead, they can “assist the campus community.” The idea here seems to be that IVC will target “employees” for protection so that those employees, having avoided earthquake death, can assist students post earthquake.
See what I mean? This is a special piece of writing, this resolution.
Here’s one more “whereas”:
WHEREAS, community resiliency to earthquakes and other disasters depends on the preparedness levels of all stakeholders in the community – students, staff, faculty, managers and administrators….“Resiliency.” I guess that’s Glenn’s special spin on “resilience.”
“Stakeholders”? Yeah, everybody in Irvine has a share in M&M Enterprises, and the Big One will make us all rich.
Here’s the resolution’s “be it resolved” finish:
Irvine Valley College hereby approves participating in the Great California Shakeout hereto by taking time to recognize and acknowledge the importance of preparing our college for the purposes of building a safer campus community and reducing the loss of lives and property from a major earthquake event by taking proactive steps today.So Glenn's resolution is a statement of "intent to participate" in the Shakeout; but it's also a statement of "approval" of IVC's (or others'?) "participating" in the Shakeout. Gosh, this nifty Res is a veritable Swiss Army Knife.
It gets better—er, more special. The Res is a statement of approval (of the Shakeout) "by taking time to recognize" such-and-such. That Glenn sure does know how to write special sentences.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all in favor of earthquake preparedness. And I’m not against this “shakeout” extravaganza. Not in principle, anyway.
But we’re a college. Maybe our public statements shouldn’t be so, um, special.