A straw hat, a kingly wave

"Man is a military animal, glories in gunpowder, and loves parade."

—Philip James Bailey

AS YOU KNOW, parades are stupid. No intelligent person who witnesses a parade is not stunned and amazed by its inanity.

That doesn't mean he or she can't enjoy it.

In the 17th Century, the word “parade” meant an “ostentatious display.” (My, how vulgar.) Pretty soon, the word could be used to refer to the “assembling or mustering of troops for inspection or display, esp. at set hours.” (Oxford English Dictionary)

Not long after its appearance, the word started to refer to ostentation or raw power on the move. (Doubly vulgar!)

That’s our word.

Now, it is true that there was a time, not so long ago, when one could present something impressive to a multitude only by parading it in front of them. For instance, when I was a child, I, and millions of others, could see the Queen of England in the flesh only because she zipped by us in a motorcade. I remember her as a flash of pink, a gloved hand.

Nowadays, of course, they could tie the Queen to the end of a rope and fly her around from city to city, pleasing millions more.

And yet, still, we have parades!


AN UNSAVORY THING

Let’s face it, parades arose from and with vulgarity, and vulgarity attends them still. In fact, there is little about parades that isn’t embarrassing and even unwholesome.

Think about it: If you had to work with one of two people, and one of ‘em loves parades while the other hates ‘em, who are you gonna pick? Well, it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?

And who would want to be IN a friggin’ parade? No doubt, most paraders parade involuntarily. You can’t blame ‘em for their ostentation. I get that.

But what about paraders who seek being objects of vulgar paradery? You know the sort I’m talking about.

And what about those who do that year after year, without fail? Every time you look up, there they are again, waving at the multitude!

Why, they’re narcissistic rat bastards. Obviously.

LEPRECHAUN

Years ago, I was at a colleague’s home for dinner. He told a story of coming across the yearly Lake Forest parade (it had a different name then). He couldn’t avoid it, cuz he lived there then.

At one point, to his surprise, he observed Raghu P. Mathur in the goddam parade! That's right, Raghu P. Mathur.

According to my friend’s story—I might have the details wrong—Mathur was waving to the crowd from a car while dressed as a leprechaun!

That’s another thing about parades. There’s no dignity in them, especially for participants.

Dignity-wise, willing participants may as well stick a flag pole where the sun doesn’t shine. It’s bad enough wanting to be seen by multitudes—“I am important. Behold me.”—but wanting to be seen by multitudes while wearing some stupid hat or costume? Now, that’s just sicko.

At the time, Mathur was a lowly chemistry teacher at Irvine Valley College, but, by hook or by crook, he had snagged a seat on a local school board, and so he counted as a local “official.” Hence, his paradery.

By 1997, again by hook or by crook (crook), Mathur managed to situate himself as interim president of Irvine Valley College. Thanks to the SOCCCD board’s indifference to the law, a few months later, Mathur was appointed permanent president.

Rumors began to fly that the fellow was back in the parade.

In 2001, after Mathur had received two massive votes of “no confidence,” the board naturally decided to make Mathur Chancellor of the entire district.

The rumors continued.

HUCK FRIGGIN' FINN

Last year, we reported that Mathur was again spotted in the Lake Forest parade. According to our source, sitting next to him was Thomas Fuentes, a notoriously ruthless and disagreeable fellow with a broad “I hate you” smile. I can see why somebody might want to take a gander at that guy. It’s like seeing a famous criminal.

Yesterday, the source wrote me a quick email. He offered a riddle:

Where can you find six llamas, some Scottish bagpipers, a shiny OC Waste Management truck (complete with a precision drill team, rolling shiny trash containers), Thomas Fuentes, and Raghu P. Mathur?

He had witnessed the annual Lake Forest 4th of July parade!

I asked him for details. He wrote back:

I never expect to see them, so it is always a bit of a shock. Last year they were on top of the back seat of a convertible and Oscar and I were waving like idiots because it didn't register who they were until they were upon us! I still have nightmares.

This year they sat down in the back of a Cadillac. I spotted them earlier this time, so I was able to smack down Oscar’s wildly waving arm before they got to us. (Poor Oscar.) Raghu donned a straw hat and waved a kingly wave. Tom, hatless but unfortunately not headless, waved hugely and yelled “Happy 4th of July” to everyone.

I felt a chill. Had Oscar and I remained on the other side of the street, where we had just been, our faces would have been about five feet from these two. Yikes!

Straw hat?! A friggin' straw hat!? ■

See also
• Tom and Raghu poop on our parade
• Lake Forest parade
• Narcissus (Mathur)