Brown Boy’s Investigative Adventures: going after the "$100,000 club"

Dissent 54

October 23, 2000

Vaguely Veridical Snideage

 by Chunk Wheeler

1. Brown Boy’s Investigative Adventures           

Back in the 20s, Louisiana politician Huey “Kingfish” Long beat the pants off of an opponent by accusing the guy of “living in open celibacy” with his sister…And remember the time that Nixon announced John Dean’s internal investigation into White House shenanigans? —That was the first time Dean had ever heard of it!…The successful liar lies Big while looking “troubled.”           

—The Compleat Rat Bastard

Johnny Investigates Big Salaries

Earlier this year, SOCCCD faculty began to receive curious emails that alleged various wacky emolumental abuses by dissenting IVC faculty, including something about a honeymoon financed by the district (way cool) and the use of college resources (stamps?) to benefit a trustee candidate. As far as I know, the charges have no merit whatsoever. They seem to be the usual water-cooler drivel, based on rumor and mental disease. (The district did, however, pay for my 1997 divorce. I wonder how the Dark Side missed that one?)

Anyway, as I recall, the name “Defranco” popped up in some of these early harangues, and, later, the name resurfaced. For instance, at the April Board meeting, we learned that concerned “senior citizen taxpayers”—actually, just Ms. Virginia Defranco, whoever she is—wrote to a receptive John Williams, urging him to investigate a particular IVC faculty member (and Williams critic) who, she alleged, was making about $130,000 per year, thanks to “perks” and Lord-knows-what-else. She noted, with obvious alarm, that this fellow “is not the only one who continues to make a salary in excess of his/her college president”!

(—That’s old news, lady. IVC’s current president—Raghu “Tech Prep” Mathur—during his faculty days, was among those rapacious niggards who made salaries well in excess of their college president’s six-figure pay. As I recall, Mr. Goo held the #2 spot in the district’s salary sweepstakes, makin’ nearly the $130K that got Defranco’s knickers in a knot. Nowadays, faculty sweepstakes winners are rakin’ in over $150K, while the college presidents are stuck down in the $110s! This has got Mr. Goo plenty peeved, boy. It just ain’t dignified, no sir.)

Williams’ new emphasis on faculty salaries was odd. That an instructor can make Big Bucks—largely owing to overload opportunities—is a function of the faculty contract, something that Williams—scandalously, especially in light of his close relationship with the union’s Old Guard—directly negotiated and that, as a trustee, he whole-heartedly recommended and approved. How can Williams take the position that these salaries are excessive when they’ve got his fingerprints all over ‘em?

That’s just a rhetorical question, dude. Obviously, Brown Boy was just sniffin’ around for a viable campaign issue, and, in the “issue” department, abject fraudulescence ain’t considered a drawback--not  among his nasty crowd of Neo-McCarthyist, Nixonian Republicans. Simplicity: that’s the thing. “Faculty make too much money.” —Even your average South County Neandertal can keep that one in his head.

In her letter, Ms. Defranco asked the Board to “conduct an investigation into all faculty members making in excess of $100,00 [sic] per year for the last four years.” So, at the April 24 Board meeting, Williams formally requested a “staff report,” to be presented in May, that would provide a “detailed list of faculty members who made $100,000 or more [and] who received release/re-assigned time from teaching duties and taught overload courses for additional pay.” “The report,” announced Bailiff Boy, “should include the years of 1990-99, base salary of the faculty member, and a complete breakdown of additional monies paid.”

Again, Williams, more than anyone, should have realized that “release/reassigned time” has little or nothing to do with the Faculty Big Bucks phenomenon, which has not flagged a bit during this post-reassigned time era. (On the contrary!) So I guess he was just grandstanding for the Booboisie out there in TV-Land.

Or maybe he’s just really stupid. Lots of people who know him often say that about John. I remember one of his allies on the Board tellin’ me once: “John ain’t exactly a rocket scientist, you know.”

Old Guard to Brown Boy: Stop!

Well, naturally, nothing seemed to come of the “Defranco investigation,” presumably because light cast upon faculty salaries would inevitably reveal Fundamental Fact #1 about John’s faculty pals, the Old Guard: they make the really big bucks.

You doubt this? Last May, I wrote the district to make a “Public Records Request,” asking for various financial documents. In June, I received a very confused packet that was supposed to respond to my request. Listed among its alleged contents was the following:

5. All documents which identify any employee of the SOCCCD, whether employed as a faculty member or under contract as an administration [sic], who received total compensation in the amount of $100,000 or more in any year from 1995 to the present.”

            In fact, however, the packet included no such documents. Instead, it included a list of 99 district employees (including a handful whose “CYTD gross pay” was a lousy $95-99K) for the “1999 Calendar Yr.” This list, evidently, was the result, or was one result, of the apparently abortive Defranco investigation.

The list’s contents explain why Williams’ investigation was left moldering in the shadows. It’s a veritable Whose Who (or What’s That) of his old union pals, including Tone Loogie, Mr. Droopy Drawers, ET “Ears” McUnion, Mickey No-Neck, “Beans” of Thespis, Orphan Boy, Tom Cat, et alia.

—And that IVC instructor that Ms. Defranco was carpin’ about? He’s listed as makin’ about $22,000 less than she said. Of course, the instructor had made this clear in a letter to the Times in early April—a response to Brownie’s accusatory March 21 Times letter that repeated Defranco’s hooey.

Repeated debunkage didn’t prevent Brown Boy from grandstanding three weeks later at the Board meeting. He never apologized for the false accusations; he just repeated them.

The Prodigal Bailiff Returns

Well, since spring, we’ve heard lots of rumors about Williams and his crew of morons fixin’ to go to the DA with Defranco’s goofy imputations—the “paid” honeymoon, the yarn about somebody using campus facilities to assist Lang’s campaign back in ’96, etc.

Well, I’m told that Brown Boy finally got his 15 minutes before the Grand Jury, and they laughed him right out of the courtroom. I bet he played his “bailiff” card and they threw it back at ‘im: “What is this? A joke?”

The problem: no evidence. It’s not enough, John, just to say this stuff. Get a goddam clue.

The Old Criminal Investigation Con

But in Williams’ Trickster-Dickster world, want of evidence is not a problem. Sources tell me that he has moved to plan B: enlisting the aid of “Dot” Fortune and Nancy “Poo Pants” Padberg, Williams has instigated a “criminal investigation” into Defranco’s charges—by campus cops Harry Parmer (at Saddleback) and Ted Romas (at IVC). The ever-obedient El Ced Sampson (who, by the way, is NOT the highest-paid employee in the district—faculty are) gave the order.

Naturally, Harry and Ted are lookin’ for a needle in a no-needle zone. Their “investigations” will produce zip. So, you may ask, “What’s the point?”

The point, dear reader, is that Williams and his allies can now don troubled looks and report to voters that there is a “criminal investigation” into faculty misconduct. And who (asks Brown Boy) benefited from some of the alleged misconduct? That would be Dave Lang.

Lang, of course, leads a slate of candidates running against Williams’ “Rat Bastard” slate. Need I say more?

A Reversal of Fortune

“No one in this world, so far as I know . . . has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.” —H.L. Mencken

As you know, during the summer, just as Frogue was being replaced by Fuentes, Dot Fortune announced her decision not to run for reelection. She did that at a Board meeting. As I recall, a wave of joy broke across the room. Everyone beamed. Fuentes even twinkled.

Then, many weeks later, at the very last minute, Dot filed for the November race. Why the sudden switcheroo?

Here’s one theory: she snookered clueless retired educator Dave Colville into filing, thereby irreversibly splitting the non-incumbent vote in area 3 (Laguna Beach). Possibly, Colville would not have filed had he known he’d be going up against an incumbent. As things now stand, Colville must beat both Fortune and Shane, the “Clean Slate” candidate, and Colville ain’t got a dime.

Some speculate that Dot has no intention of remaining in office. According to one theory, she has agreed to run—as a favor to her Board Majority colleagues, who are banking on her incumbent’s advantage—and then to resign after her reelection. That would give the Board Majority another opportunity to appoint a BM-friendly colleague—one without Dot’s baggage, including her long-standing association with the Democratic Party. The latter, reportedly, is an unpardonable sin in the mind of Big Fish Fuentes.

3. Déjà vu all over again

A. The Airport. Have you seen Dot and Brown Boy’s TV spots on OCN? The bottom of the screen is emblazoned with this message: “Stop the El Toro Airport!”

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!

B. True Conservatives? Looks like the fogies in Leisure World recently received one of those homophobic and libelous “same-sex” fliers not unlike the one mailed by the union (Old Guard) back in ’96.

This latest flier reads in part:

Endorsement for:Saddleback College Board of Trustees (South O.C. Community College District) Don’t let your education tax dollars be Diverted from your Saddleback College EMERITUS INSTITUTE CLASSES to pay for SAME-SEX DOMESTIC PARTNER BENEFITS. Vote for these true conservative America candidates who will keep your tax dollars in the classroom...These conservative American’s [i.e., Williams/Fortune/Fuentes/Davis] will NOT vote for same-sex domestic partner benefits…ULTRA LIBERALS [—right, three Republicans and an independent]...have promised the gay & lesbian organizations and the college union negotiators….

—And so on. The flier was mailed to individual homes in envelopes with no return address, though the flier itself had a P.O. box address. The flier’s distinctive use of capital letters suggests that it was authored by the same person or persons who distributed four similar fliers in recent weeks, including those claiming to be written by the non-existent “Lynn Hudson” and her “Gay-Lesbian Task Force.”

One of those fliers appeared to be the work of Saddleback’s Tony Garcia of the ersatz (or non-existent) “Conservative” Faculty Association.

4. The District Mailer 

For years I thought what was good for our country was good for General Motors, and vice versa. The difference did not exist.

       —Charles Erwin Wilson

Have you seen the $50,000 district mailer, that proud monument to puffery, sophistry, incompetence, and illiteracy?

The mailer was supposedly sent as part of the district’s “image improvement” initiative. But, in view of its timing, one naturally suspects that its real purpose is political, for its celebratory message—arriving just before the election—is bound to benefit incumbent trustees now running for office, including Fuentes, Williams, and Fortune. (Well, that would be true if the thing weren’t embarrassingly inept.)

Trustee Lang (another incumbent) actually made that point during a Board meeting, urging a delay in mailing to erase any hint of politics. Padberg, I’m told, “countered” Lang’s point by arguing that he need not worry, for the darned thing will have little (political) impact, since it will get lost among all those political mailers! (Remember: this woman is the president of the Board.)

Padberg’s point, of course, is an excellent reason for holding off on the mailer until after the election. It is also a tacit admission that Lang had hit the nail on the head.

Perhaps I should describe this excrementitious mailer to you, page by page. Yes.

Page 1. The mailer’s title (“SOCCCD”) is in blue writing against a blue background; hence, it is barely visible. Its theme (I guess) appears in red: “Learning Opportunities on Your Horizon.” (Lame, stupid.) The page’s two colors—a murky blue atop a pastel green—clash hideously. Yecch!

The cover photograph (of twin tetons—Saddleback?) is utterly obscured by the messy and ill-matched graphics scattered on top of it. Photos of the colleges’ two full-time “outstanding faculty” (apparently, part-time “outstanding faculty” don’t count) are each ensconced in one of the blue teats. What does this mean? Dunno.

A strip of writing near the bottom announces: “Helping People and Businesses in Our Community Reach Their Goals.” The pro-business theme is continued elsewhere: “Employee Training Programs Designed for Business”; “Corporate Training.” (At times like these, I wonder if anyone in authority in this district has ever gone to a real college.)

Pages 2-3. But it gets worse. The two inner pages offer the same celebration of ugliness—plus a demonstration of illiteracy.

Consider: the “left” page presents a letter from Saddleback President Dixie Bullock, which says

“Our strong ties with the communities we serve is helping generations of residents fulfill their aspirations.” (Our…ties…is?)

“Students find a stimulating learning environment, challenged to fulfill their potential, encouraged to achieve their goals, and supported in their educational and personal endeavors.” (Just who or what is “challenged” and “encouraged”? Students? The “environment”? I don’t get it.)

It’s a good thing most South Countians don’t read; we’d be in big trouble.

The “right” page presents a letter from IVC’s Raghu P. Mathur, a fellow who can always be counted on to produce embarrassing illiteracies:

“Strong ties with business and industry to ensure that campus instruction is geared to today’s employment needs.” (Hey, dude, where’s the verb?)

“Students who want to change careers or enrich their personal knowledge, IVC’s non-credit corporate training and community education are a major resource.” (Um, something’s missing here, Goo.)

“Up to 20% of faculty, and numerous staff, hold doctorate or post-graduate degrees.” (This implies that 80% of IVC’s faculty don’t even have an M.S. or M.A., let alone a Doctorate. Wow, we really suck.)

“Our new state-of-the-art multimedia studio…offer increasingly more classes….” (Our studio offer?)

“Student government and student clubs offer involvement opportunities.” (Involvement opportunities? Yeah, those complement the various non-involvement opportunities, of which there are many.)

The mailer’s center, of course, presents a letter from Chancellor “El Ced” Sampson, which sports this howler:

“Completely interactive and private, students can now manage all of their customized information, access class schedules and review unofficial transcripts.” (Students are completely interactive and private? What does that mean? I don’t get it.)

Under El Ced’s letter, we find an old photograph of “groundbreaking ceremonies.” According to the caption, the district was “founded in 1967” and “dedicated in 1968.”

So which is it?

Page 4. Here, next to a silly photograph of El Ced and a Marine, we find a description of the “Advanced Technology and Education Park of South Orange County.” (Has anyone noticed that the “park” isn’t located in South Orange County? Does no one care?)

Alas, the writing is less than lucid:

“ATEP will provide multiple career study opportunities. Special certification through graduate study will be offered to launch new ventures through a business incubator.” (—Huh?)

“The ATEP will provide in residence and distance education train-the-trainer component for the foreign, non-physician health providers affiliated with this project.” (Um—What?)

The “shitty writing” motif continues in the blurbs devoted to “International Programs” and “Employee Training Programs.”

I do, however, appreciate the mailer’s innovative spelling of “laser”: Irvine Valley College, it seems, has a “Lazer/Electro-Optics Technology Program.”

Lets face it. Should any literate person actually read this mailer, she will be persuaded that ours is a district of morons. 

5. Tabula Raza? 

            Recently, we at IVC received an email from president Raghu P. Mathur, who seemed to encourage faculty and staff to read an online newsletter entitled Educators Working for Educators. Near as I can tell, he directed us in particular to an article in that publication that reads as follows:

These days, when you begin a conversation about teaching—“pedagogy”—you will almost inevitably arrive at the topic of the “path of discovery,” and the “processes of gaining knowledge,” ultimately replacing the age-old standard of knowledge transferring from the learned unto the “tabula raza” [sic] of the student, or the “less-learned.” All of this is well and good, but what does it really mean?

            OK, that does it. No further proof could possibly be required for the thesis that Raghu is an utter  and complete ignoramus. Good Lord!

6. Fuentes’ “Hardship”

            Recently, a friend sent word that the agenda for Monday’s Board meeting (on the 23rd) includes the following item (#22):

It is recommended that the board adopt resolution 00-42 authorizing payment to Trustee Fuentes who was absent from the September 25, 2000, Board of Trustee’ meeting.

            Evidently, the resolution cites Section 72425:

“A member (of the Board of Trustees) may be paid for any meeting when absent if the board...finds that at the time of the meeting he or she is performing service outside the meeting for the community college district, he or she was ill or on jury duty, or the absence was due to a hardship deemed acceptable by the Board. This compensation shall be a charge against the funds of the district.”

            Evidently, the resolution goes on as follows:

…Whereas it was determined that Trustee Fuentes’ absence was due to a hardship…Now, therefore, be it resolved that Trustee Fuentes shall be paid at the regular rate of compensation for the regular meeting of the Board of Trustees held on September 25, 2000.

            The “hardship”? On the 25th of September, Fuentes attended a Republican Party function.

What does it all mean?

Dunno.  —CW