Monday, December 15, 2008

A philosophical question

By now, no doubt you've heard about the infamous Bush "shoe" incident. Somebody tried to hit the Commander-in-chief with a shoe! Then another! It's alarming! (See the disturbing video at the end of this post.)

Now, we here at Dissent the Blog in no way condone shoe-pelting, here or abroad. Still, we couldn't help but ask ourselves, "What if someone were to throw a shoe at Raghu P. Mathur?"

What kind of shoe should one throw?

This is what's known as a philosophical question. It has no bearing or relevance to reality whatsoever. I've been teaching the subject (i.e., philosophy) for 25 years, and I know. In reality, no one is going to throw a shoe at Raghu, nor should anyone get the notion to do so. So our question is way whimsical, fey even.

Still, it is important to ask: What kind of shoe should one throw at the fellow, if one were to throw a shoe at him (which, naturally, one would never do)?

What about flip-flops? They have marvelous flight characteristics, and they're cheap, so you don't mind givin' 'em up. Plus they're almost guaranteed not to hurt the stupid fellow.

Ah, yes, but thongs' celebrated lift is more a hindrance than a help, for, once launched, they go all akimbo, like a freakin' Sopwith Camel.

OK, what about the ever-popular "beer stein" shoe? It is reputed to go straight and true when launched, like a Fokker D.VII.

Yeah, but obviously you'd waste beer. My German heritage wouldn't allow it.

Let's get logical. What would be the most appropriate shoes to toss at the Gooster?

Why, of course, it would be a pair of rat slippers!


Yeah, but you've gotta kill rats to make rat slippers, and I'm an animal rights guy, so that's definitely out.

What about blue clown shoes? —Big ones? They're certainly appropriate! Even the trustees think Mathur is a clown, though not necessarily a blue one.

Yeah, but you'd have to wear 'em into the building before pelting him with them, and they kind of stand out like neon pontoons.

Devil-feet shoes then! Nope. He'd just catch 'em and slip 'em on, and nobody'd know the difference, and that would just take the starch out of the whole thing.

As you know, Raghu's nickname is "Goo," and "guh" means "sh*t" in Hindi. (The district's lawyers told me this.) So what about a pair of goo-encrusted sneakers?


Nah. You wouldn't wanna get any goo on you.

Green alligator high-tops then? Nope. They're much too valuable to toss away. It would be like tossing the guy a Gucci bag. Not me, brother.

How about those incredibly stupid wooden shoes? Nah. The Dutch have never done me any harm. Why drag them into this? (I don't hold the marijuana thing against 'em, though maybe I should.)

These philosophical questions are hard!

Let's try this: What kind of shoe would Raghu want tossed at 'im? Well, maybe he'd like some patriotic sneakers hurtling at his ugly mug! He always wears that stupid flag pin, so red-white-'n'-blue tennies seem like a good bet.

Yeah, but I don't want to implicate Old Glory in this thing. I'm an Eagle Scout, you know. I know about flag etiquette.

Well, I'll be thinking on this. Somebody sent me some more suggestions, but I dunno. Check 'em out.

Led diving boots. Hard to throw. Probably lethal, too. No good.

Mud-caked work boots? Too dignified. We're talking about pelting Raghu, remember?

Stone boots? I don't know how anybody ever gets 'em on!

* * * * *
I just heard that the SOCCCD Faculty Association's negotiations have been concluded. Check it out!

George Bush attacked with shoes:


Flying a Sopwith Camel:


Flying a Fokker D.VII:

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Throw the stone boots. Perfect.

13 Stoploss said...

das boot! (2:56)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qbJqPF1mCw&feature=related

Anonymous said...

I think we should throw socks, too. Stinky ones.

Anonymous said...

You have the opportunity to throw, not one, but two shoes at Bush and you miss both times! This was obviously a job for Random Task!

Anonymous said...

Nice article, but you make the entire process far too complex, and unnecessarily so. When throwing a shoe at someone really dumb, there is just on rule to be followed. Make sure the shoe you throw is as dumb as the dumb-as-a-shoe you're throwing it at. Or, to put it even more succinctly, make sure the shoe fits.

Anonymous said...

Bush has great reactions - very impressive - doubtful Al Gore could duck that fast. He'd have it sticking in his oversize schnoz. Then if it were Obama, he'd have caught the shoe and driven to the basket for a layup.

Anonymous said...

I don't know, IMO the throwing of the "size 10" shoe just about says it all about how thanks to "W" how the United States is viewed in other countries. As the saying goes, "If the shoe fits wear it," and IMO this sums up his administration. Although I wouldn't advocate hurling a shoe at any of our world leaders, in this case it was poetic justice. "W" has also put his foot in his mouth enough times, so now he is having one chucked at him. The shoe was thrown to make a point, and point was made.

Anonymous said...

You know, "W" invaded their country w/o any provocation (which Cheney later on admitted that we would have done whether or not there was any WMD), and b/c of this thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians were murdered, and United States military killed. As far as I'm concerned it was poetic justice. You know, "W" insulted the rest of the world's intelligence so for him to be insulted by the people he went in and tried to murder fits. That's just my opinion though. I definitely don't see the way "W" handled was all that smoothly. It's like "Sorry, try something less stupid." No, it didn't fall into the same category as Reagan's "Gee mommy, I forgot to duck."

Roy's obituary in LA Times and Register: "we were lucky to have you while we did"

  This ran in the Sunday December 24, 2023 edition of the Los Angeles Times and the Orange County Register : July 14, 1955 - November 20, 2...