This satirical piece (aka "fake news") was written by a colleague in the sciences who insists on calling himself "intrepid girl reporter Lana Lang." —RBGround was broken, and construction begun here at IVC this past Tuesday, January 14, on the much touted and long-anticipated Raghu P. Mathur Commemorative Hole-In-the-Ground, a gargantuan cavity to be dug deep into the IVC campus.
The hole is funded in part by the state’s investment of $50 million during the second special legislative session of 2008, according to a news release from SOCCCD Board Chairman David Lang’s [sic] office. “It will be a great monument to a great man, emblematic of all he has done for the people of this district and of Orange County in the past, and all that he is going to do in the many, many years ahead,” said Lang, age 64.
In attendance at the ground-breaking ceremony were Lang, IVC President Glenn Roquemore, SOCCCD board members Tom Fuentes and John Williams, celebrities Ed McMahon, Bob “Front Row!” Uecker, disgraced New York Giant running back Plaxico Burress, deceased wrestler Andre the Giant, a Wolfman Jack look-a-like, and noted entertainment figure Chesty Morgan—as well as the great man himself, SOCCCD Chancellor Raghu P. Mathur.
“This groundbreaking represents a very great monumental step forward in our district’s continued expansion and growth of on-campus facilities and ongoing efforts to serve for the best interests of our students, who must come first, while providing job growth to the economy in a cost effective manner for the benefit of all peoples of Orange County,” said Mathur, age 67, a Pisces, pointing out that the hole construction would employ over 100 people at close to minimum wage. “In essence—this wast hole in the ground is a wast new cylinder in the educational and economic engine that is the SOCCCD,” he concluded.
Construction of the new Raghu P. Mathur Commemorative Hole is scheduled to be completed by July 2012, said Fuentes, a life-long Republican and a terrible dresser. Cost overruns, construction, delays, and materials shortages are expected to drag the actual completion date to sometime in late September of 2017, Fuentes added, with an actual opening to the public for a nominal fee expected sometime in the summer of 2019. The final costs, not adjusted for inflation, are anticipated to exceed 245 million dollars.
“A year ago today,” said Mathur, 5’4”, 195 lbs, in his opening address to the dozen or so on-lookers, “I told you that ‘in the knowledge-based economy of this century, inwestment and opportunity flow to places vere the vork force is prepared … vere the business climate is velcoming . . . and vere educational opportunities are being supplied by a caring faculty and staff, facilitated by a top-notch . . .” he droned on and on like that, before his microphone malfunctioned and he was partially electrocuted.
Construction foreman Eduardo Contreras, age 47, married, three children, commented that, “It’s a very difficult project. We will be displacing over 1.2 million cubic yards of earth, and where do you put it all, huh? The landfills have all refused it, and we will not be allowed to haul it over municipal or county rights-of-way . . . so we will be looking for ways to redistribute it . . . across campus, maybe. I don’t know.”
“In fact we will use some of the student and staff parking lots to stockpile the overburden,” said SOCCCD board member Williams, brown hair, brown eyes. “As well as building rooftops and unused storage areas. If we leave it out long enough, a lot of it will simply blow away, I think.”
“Putting some of the extra soil in available classroom spaces on a temporary basis is not out of the question,” added SOCCCD board member Fuentes, age 87. “Afterall, we should put those spaces to some good use,” he quipped humorously, before falling over into an uncovered gas-main search trench.
“Oh, those are all swell ideas” added Contreras, whose status in this country is thought to be entirely legal. “Or maybe they could just put up a fucking sign, ‘free topsoil’ or something, huh? I mean—sheesh! Coños!”
Over the course of the construction project, there will be numerous disruptions to local traffic, noted aspiring state-level politician David Lang—including long-term closures of College Drive, and occasional shut-downs of Jeffrey Road and Irvine Center Drive to make way for the movement of truck cranes, crawler derricks, gantries, semi-driven dump trailers, hydraulic excavators, wheel loaders, back-hoes, precision vibrating earth rammers, bulldozers, skid steer loaders and just a whole shit-load of other kinds of heavy earth moving equipment.
Additional problems associated with the project include disruption to campus electrical and water supplies, as over ten thousand feet of copper wire, and three-quarters of a mile of concrete pipe and pipe fittings, will have to be removed to accommodate the expanding depression. In addition, the recently-built, two-story, 60,000 square foot library building will have to be entirely demolished to make way for the colossal Mathurian fissure.
¨The college has been steadfast in following the Facility Master Plan and the District Five-Year Construction Plan,” noted IVC President Glenn Roquemore, who is a former United States Marine and father of one. “From Fall 2003 to Fall 2008, Distance Education sections offered at IVC have increased by over 680%,” he noted cheerfully, for no discernable reason. A heavy explosion sounded from the construction pit as he did so, disrupting a flock of starlings.
“Yeah, it’s like the return of the fucking pharaohs,” said construction foreman Contreras, as he paused to lean against his shovel in the unseasonable 82 degree Santa Ana conditions, while workers busied themselves on the emerging testimonial crater. “All this fucking effort for the sake of one man’s seemingly unassuageable ego. Ai chinga’o!”
“You know, most college district chancellors, they work a few years in one position, and then they move on, eh?” Contreras continued, “But this guy here, this Mathur guy, I guess he just don’t get the idea, huh? So he gets his cronies to build this monument to him while he is still in office rather than when he retires or dies, cuz, you know—when else can they do it? He’s not ever going to leave, and he’s not ever going to die. Que cabron!”
“Ai, puta madre!” he added later.
The commemorative hole project was originally envisioned and proposed by former IVC Dean of Humanities Howard Gensler, a diminutive bald man of some sixty-odd years, almost five years ago when he was his intense groveling and brown-nosing style initially ingratiated him with Mathur and other district board members. The plan, however, was ridiculed and laid aside once Gensler fell out of favor with, and was eventually hatcheted by, twisted district apparatchiks. The deranged and unholy scheme was resurrected by Mathur and the current board majority when their joint efforts failed to produce a better idea.
“I want just want to thank everyone who attended,” said IVC President Roquemore at the closing of Tuesday’s ceremonies, “And everyone who participated. Thank you. Thank you all.”
The hole is funded in part by the state’s investment of $50 million during the second special legislative session of 2008, according to a news release from SOCCCD Board Chairman David Lang’s [sic] office. “It will be a great monument to a great man, emblematic of all he has done for the people of this district and of Orange County in the past, and all that he is going to do in the many, many years ahead,” said Lang, age 64.
In attendance at the ground-breaking ceremony were Lang, IVC President Glenn Roquemore, SOCCCD board members Tom Fuentes and John Williams, celebrities Ed McMahon, Bob “Front Row!” Uecker, disgraced New York Giant running back Plaxico Burress, deceased wrestler Andre the Giant, a Wolfman Jack look-a-like, and noted entertainment figure Chesty Morgan—as well as the great man himself, SOCCCD Chancellor Raghu P. Mathur.
“This groundbreaking represents a very great monumental step forward in our district’s continued expansion and growth of on-campus facilities and ongoing efforts to serve for the best interests of our students, who must come first, while providing job growth to the economy in a cost effective manner for the benefit of all peoples of Orange County,” said Mathur, age 67, a Pisces, pointing out that the hole construction would employ over 100 people at close to minimum wage. “In essence—this wast hole in the ground is a wast new cylinder in the educational and economic engine that is the SOCCCD,” he concluded.
Construction of the new Raghu P. Mathur Commemorative Hole is scheduled to be completed by July 2012, said Fuentes, a life-long Republican and a terrible dresser. Cost overruns, construction, delays, and materials shortages are expected to drag the actual completion date to sometime in late September of 2017, Fuentes added, with an actual opening to the public for a nominal fee expected sometime in the summer of 2019. The final costs, not adjusted for inflation, are anticipated to exceed 245 million dollars.
“A year ago today,” said Mathur, 5’4”, 195 lbs, in his opening address to the dozen or so on-lookers, “I told you that ‘in the knowledge-based economy of this century, inwestment and opportunity flow to places vere the vork force is prepared … vere the business climate is velcoming . . . and vere educational opportunities are being supplied by a caring faculty and staff, facilitated by a top-notch . . .” he droned on and on like that, before his microphone malfunctioned and he was partially electrocuted.
Construction foreman Eduardo Contreras, age 47, married, three children, commented that, “It’s a very difficult project. We will be displacing over 1.2 million cubic yards of earth, and where do you put it all, huh? The landfills have all refused it, and we will not be allowed to haul it over municipal or county rights-of-way . . . so we will be looking for ways to redistribute it . . . across campus, maybe. I don’t know.”
“In fact we will use some of the student and staff parking lots to stockpile the overburden,” said SOCCCD board member Williams, brown hair, brown eyes. “As well as building rooftops and unused storage areas. If we leave it out long enough, a lot of it will simply blow away, I think.”
“Putting some of the extra soil in available classroom spaces on a temporary basis is not out of the question,” added SOCCCD board member Fuentes, age 87. “Afterall, we should put those spaces to some good use,” he quipped humorously, before falling over into an uncovered gas-main search trench.“Oh, those are all swell ideas” added Contreras, whose status in this country is thought to be entirely legal. “Or maybe they could just put up a fucking sign, ‘free topsoil’ or something, huh? I mean—sheesh! Coños!”
Over the course of the construction project, there will be numerous disruptions to local traffic, noted aspiring state-level politician David Lang—including long-term closures of College Drive, and occasional shut-downs of Jeffrey Road and Irvine Center Drive to make way for the movement of truck cranes, crawler derricks, gantries, semi-driven dump trailers, hydraulic excavators, wheel loaders, back-hoes, precision vibrating earth rammers, bulldozers, skid steer loaders and just a whole shit-load of other kinds of heavy earth moving equipment.
Additional problems associated with the project include disruption to campus electrical and water supplies, as over ten thousand feet of copper wire, and three-quarters of a mile of concrete pipe and pipe fittings, will have to be removed to accommodate the expanding depression. In addition, the recently-built, two-story, 60,000 square foot library building will have to be entirely demolished to make way for the colossal Mathurian fissure.
¨The college has been steadfast in following the Facility Master Plan and the District Five-Year Construction Plan,” noted IVC President Glenn Roquemore, who is a former United States Marine and father of one. “From Fall 2003 to Fall 2008, Distance Education sections offered at IVC have increased by over 680%,” he noted cheerfully, for no discernable reason. A heavy explosion sounded from the construction pit as he did so, disrupting a flock of starlings.
“Yeah, it’s like the return of the fucking pharaohs,” said construction foreman Contreras, as he paused to lean against his shovel in the unseasonable 82 degree Santa Ana conditions, while workers busied themselves on the emerging testimonial crater. “All this fucking effort for the sake of one man’s seemingly unassuageable ego. Ai chinga’o!”
“You know, most college district chancellors, they work a few years in one position, and then they move on, eh?” Contreras continued, “But this guy here, this Mathur guy, I guess he just don’t get the idea, huh? So he gets his cronies to build this monument to him while he is still in office rather than when he retires or dies, cuz, you know—when else can they do it? He’s not ever going to leave, and he’s not ever going to die. Que cabron!”
“Ai, puta madre!” he added later.
The commemorative hole project was originally envisioned and proposed by former IVC Dean of Humanities Howard Gensler, a diminutive bald man of some sixty-odd years, almost five years ago when he was his intense groveling and brown-nosing style initially ingratiated him with Mathur and other district board members. The plan, however, was ridiculed and laid aside once Gensler fell out of favor with, and was eventually hatcheted by, twisted district apparatchiks. The deranged and unholy scheme was resurrected by Mathur and the current board majority when their joint efforts failed to produce a better idea.“I want just want to thank everyone who attended,” said IVC President Roquemore at the closing of Tuesday’s ceremonies, “And everyone who participated. Thank you. Thank you all.”
—Lana Lang
2 comments:
I got a commemorative pen from the event!
Is it possible to just toss Mathur in to that commemorative hole? I don't think that anyone would miss him. Well, maybe Fuentes and Wagner, but not anybody else.
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