REPENT OR HELL—reported by intrepid Girl Reporter Lana Lang

[—No, not Rebel Girl. Lana Lang!] The IVC campus quite recently became the lucky recipient of a chance visit by a wandering theological scholar, who held an impromptu guest lecture in the large quad. Eschewing the trendy but overused power point presentation, the visiting professor wrote his notes on a board, spoke in stentorian tones, and finally managed to en”rapture” a somewhat sizeable audience (see plate I and II), albeit consisting of only one individual (who was observed to take no notes.)

The topic of the thesis? Satan’s Children—who they are, and what to do about ‘em. In case you don’t have your reading glasses, here’s the list of those in desperate need of salvation. (Ahem!): “Hypocrite Christians, Lost Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and all other false religions.”

But wait, there’s more: “Sodomites, Pornographers, Pedophiles, Fornicators, Cross-dressers, Lesbians, Adulterers, Transvestites [author’s note: see “Cross-dressers, above] and all other weirdo Sex Perverts.”

PLATE I

Well, sure, that’s obvious. I mean—who can argue? Likewise Hellbound: “Scoffers, The Prideful, Atheists, Agnostics, Idolators, and all other Clueless Fools.”

Hmmm . . . is there such a thing as a clued-in fool?

And—lest we forget—the term “Satan’s Children” also encompasses: “Murderers/Babykillers, Liars, Thieves, Corrupt Politicians, and Covetous Moneygrubbers; Boozers, Dopers, Revelers, Mouthy Women, Girlie-men, and all Sin-loving Heathen.”

—In short: 99.99% of the population. The only people escaping God’s imminent though long-delayed wrath, apparently, would be: Jews who are not lost; Murderers and Babykillers who are clearly only one or the other; plus all non-weirdo sex perverts. Other recipients of the get-out-of jail-free card, judging by their absence on the picket sign: war mongers, racists, homophobes, misogynists, genocidists, morons and the embarrassingly smug and self-righteous. 

Well, Dick Cheney can relax now—except that he undoubtedly hits on at least one of the enumerated categories.

As for intrepid girl-reporter Lois Lane – she finds herself specifically called-out three or four times on God’s Official Enemies List. Alas.

The solution? Simple. REPENT OR HELL

“You know,” the lone member of the (snicker, snicker) “massive” viewing public was overheard to say, “You tell people these things . . . and they get offended!”

PLATE II

Photos submitted by IVC student Mehran Khamnehipour

IN OTHER NEWS – scientists have a discovered a strange ant species in the Amazon: